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TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3493
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Certified Professional Coach
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I need some relationship advice to see clearly what is going

Resolved Question:

I need some relationship advice to see clearly what is going on its a long distance relationship he says he loves me but has a v busy life and I need to know genuinely what to do
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
the situation is we met last october i hadnt been any form of relationship for over 3 years so was a big thing seemed v nice genuine guy v different to those I have been in relationship with in past when we met he had already been offered a job to move away but we had 3 months before he left so started seeing each other he moved in december it has been hard we made efforts to see each other then I was due for my first visit 3 months ago I was v ill so didnt make it he didnt manage a visit in 3 months due to new job work commimtments and this really affected me i saw him 2 weeks ago for a week he visited we had a really nice time the reason for my question is I am experiencing a lot of anxiety insecurity certain behaviours of his arent helping he contacts me via text and calling a lot but I feel the plans we had that were moving forward have been affected by the change and my illness now I am very unsure and looking for constant reassurance I dont know how to get clear answers he says he wants it is working towards it I have a bad history of relationships so do not trust I have been told by every man I was with lies and discovered affairs it is making trust a big issue and paranoid for what he is up to and the distanct doesnt help that I know these are my issues but I also dont want to be a fool with my naievity as before how can I get clear on if he is making moves to really be with me?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
i feel powerless to know what to do and its really affected my illness I ask him questions he answers straight he isnt a great communicator but says he wouldnt be in this if he didnt want it is doing the best he can is saving to find somewhere to live he is currently back at home with parents at 43 with new job etc
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
his behaviour of late has been hurtful a little cold he says he is busy stressed and that drives my worries feeling like its making me into a needy insecure person all the time and takes no part in his play in that it seems its me who is misreading everything
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.

Your issues of mistrust and insecurity are at work here and I worry that if you don't let go and force yourself to trust then you will push him away which will only reinforce your belief that he or any man can't be trusted. You have chosen to be in this long distance relationship and faith must be given for both of you...for you to be able to live free from this worry and him to be free to have this new job and get used to his new life. He is correct that if he didn't want this, he could easily end it and he hasn't. When you are most worried, practice a lot of self talk and remind yourself that he doesn't need to be in it and that he wants to. The reassurance needs to come from within as he cannot solve these long standing issues of mistrust. At some point just letting go and letting the chips fall where they may is the only way to go. You deserve a good relationship and now is the time for you to do your part and ease up on yourself and him so that can happen.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Hello thank you for your reply I understand what you say but how when certain things he says or doesnt say or do happen like no visit for 3 months when I was ill setting up a private twitter account without me knowing we had plans and they were moving until I became ill now he doesnt set them or its hard to chase him to do so he says its due to his work .......... how do I get a certain move forward on this to really know if he wants it and isnt just being nice
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.

All of what you say is valid....I think if he feels any pressure then he might pull away as you mention in these instances. I would not chase him and see if he comes to you and desires to see you or be in contact. Then you know what he desires. I know you are not feeling strong, but you can get there. Pull back a bit..not as a game, but to give yourself some space and clarity and to see what his interest is or isn't.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
he contacts me all the time messages asking how I am interest in my life day how I am feeling etc so I dont know how I can pull back much more to get answers?
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.

and maybe the answers don't come in words but rather if he asks to see you and visit. So, I would be in contact as you have, not push him to answer because it is all still new, and just go with the flow and let things reveal themselves in their own way and time. Forcing it won't help your goal. You also need to focus on you and your health.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
it just seems appears maybe all to be what when he wants I will do what you say stop asking try to stop giving wanting things with him and let him come forth is what you are saying?
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.

And it may be his way...and that will reveal itself and if that is the case then you will see that clearly in time and make a decision if that works for you. But for right now, let it all play out.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
but then sometimes I do nothing and it goes on and on as in the 3 months he didnt come it really hurt me makes me feel he has all the control I have none I am totally at the mercy of him there is a fine line in letting it play out? waiting at what point do I say when are the dates for him coming up again he has given vague ones but not confirmed wait until he does even if last minute surely thats not right fair?
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.

That time comes when you no longer desire to be in a relationship with someone that you feel isn't putting in the effort. If you are nearing that point, then maybe letting your feelings known to him and you making the decisions about what you want either moving forward with him or ending it. It is all your choice.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I think I am waiting to see that played out now just looking for the evidence of that to make my decisions and that hasnt quite been given yet as he gave dates for visit but hasnt confirmed that yet there are a few things I am waiting for a reply on now a couple of e mails I sent him a twitter account I asked to be added to the dates for the next visit so I will give it some more time but that has to be shown to me soon before I make a decision as he has an answer to everything I ask now but still no action
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.

That sounds like a good plan...let's see how he does around this and then you can decide.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Ok
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.

Be strong and focus on getting well in the meantime. Please take a moment to click on the rating tab to rate my support. I thank you in advance.

Jen

Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.

I am here again if you need in the future, but for now, please click on the rating tab so I may receive credit for my time with you. Thanks so much.

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Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Sorry I hadnt seen the last answers with switching off last night and the time zone difference thank you
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.

No worries. Be well and thanks for the rating.