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TherapistMaryAnn
TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5785
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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I've just split from my partner of 6 years, almost

Resolved Question:

I've just split from my partner of 6 years, almost unexpected, I'm very confused with everything and really need some advice to help me work out what's happening
Submitted: 7 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 7 months ago.

Hello, I'd like to help you with your problem.

Can you tell me more about what caused the break up and how you are feeling about it. Also, what do you want answered about your situation?

Thank you,

Kate

Customer: replied 7 months ago.
To be honest I don't really know. We split up a week ago, we have lived together in the house Yvonne owns for over 18 months. We have a 20 year age gap but that's never been an issue in our relationship. We sometimes have daft arguments in which I feel I start, for what reason I don't know. I've always been a very insecure person and put my barriers up often. Yvonne woke up one morning last week and just said 'I can't do this I'm better on my own, I need to be on my own, I can't change my mind. I'm used to being on my own.' I got my stuff but when I left we hugged and and kissed and she said she loved me. I feel like this isn't it but an confused my what is all means. Last week we had a conversation and she said she was nervous as she had never been a relationship this long before and she just wants us to be happy and not argue, then this! I'm so confused, I don't want to lose her. I'm meant to be meeting her tomorrow to chat. She keeps repeating that she can't change her mind over and over but I can't help thinking that it's just because she's scared and nervous.
Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 7 months ago.

Thank you for the explanation.

It sounds like you had a pretty normal relationship until the break up. Arguments here and there are part of a relationship. As long as you both were able to resolve the arguments, then there should be no issue there.

You are aware of two things here-one, you feel insecure and put barriers up in the relationship. That can be an issue depending on how Yvonne deals with the insecurity and if she feels it's a big issue between you. Two, you noted that Yvonne has never been in a relationship that is long term. That may be where the problem lies. If she ends relationships because of fears, then there could be an issue in her past that makes her feel that way. That may seem overwhelming to consider, but it is not an uncommon problem in a relationship.

When you meet with Yvonne tomorrow, talk to her about the possibility of her past interfering in her relationships. You don't have to resolve the issue nor should you try. But ask her if it's possible to try therapy with you or without you. Tell her that you want to be together and to help her with this problem. You can continue to stay apart physically until she decides what she may do about how she feels, but continue having contact and offer support to her until she can resolve what is causing her fears around relationships.

In the meanwhile, you may want to address your own insecurities through therapy and self help. Here are some resources to help both of you:

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/self-esteem/MH00129

http://psychcentral.com/lib/2006/how-to-raise-your-self-esteem/

Self-Esteem: A Proven Program of Cognitive Techniques for Assessing, Improving, and Maintaining Your Self-Esteem by Matthew McKay Ph.D. and Patrick Fanning

The Self-Esteem Workbook by Glenn R. Schiraldi

The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem: The Definitive Work on Self-Esteem by the Leading Pioneer in the Field by Nathaniel Branden

He's Scared, She's Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships

by ***** ***** and Julia Sokol

Relationship Anxiety: How To Stop Being Anxious, Worried And Afraid in Intimate Relationships (Stop Being Insecure,…

by Ryan Help

The fact that she still wants to see you and have contact is a good sign. Continue to be supportive but gently encourage her to seek help with how she feels. Until she does deal with the issue, she will continue to have problems in any relationship she is in.

I hope this has helped you,

Kate

May I please request that if you find the service I provided helpful at all that you rate me with three or above? Your rating is the only way I am reimbursed for my answer. Thank you so much!

Customer: replied 7 months ago.
Thank you Kate.
Is it bad to feel that this isn't the end? I spoke to her Friday, she had gone down to her family but when I asked she said she had not told anyone that we had seperated! Surely if it is final in her mind then why has she not told people, especially as she is close to her sister or am I wrong to think that? I'm worried that she will cancel tomorrow and I guess I am holding out on tomorrow that's the only positive I feel right now. I'm worried that I know that she tends to be a person who once has made a decision doesn't go back on it. And the fact she kept repeating herself saying it's for the best and I can't change my mind makes me feel like this is it. I'm sorry I feel I'm repeating myself but I'm so confused and really don't want this to be the end. I know I need to perhaps make changes to the way I react and deal with things. Our relationship was a secret for quite a while and I sometimes wonder if she doesn't think that I am proud to be with her
Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 7 months ago.

While there is no way to tell what she feels or what she will do, if she is repeating to herself that this is for the best, ***** ***** sounds like she hasn't convinced herself of that. Everything you have said points to her not being sure of this decision. If you do meet with her or even talk to her, you may want to bring up why the decision has to be final. There seems to be a problem going on with her that is less to do with your relationship and more to do with something bothering her from her past. Talk to her as you and I discussed and see what you can do to point her to getting help with whatever is bothering her.

Kate

TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5785
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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