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TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2909
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Certified Professional Coach
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I'm in a relationship with my best friend and soul mate. We

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I'm in a relationship with my best friend and soul mate. We are very happy however he has revealed to me that ten years ago or so he regularly met with a male friend of his to receive anal sex which he really enjoyed along with oral sex etc. He also wore womens underwear during these meets and also had threesomes with his then girlfriend. He admitted that these meets were unprotected. I appreciate how hard it was for him to tell me this.
The main sticking point for me is that this wasn't protected and he received his friends ejaculation numerous times. This is going to sound awful but it turns my stomach and I feel sick at the thought of this and can't get it out of my head. He says he doesn't fancy men and doesn't want to go back to that part of his life but he really enjoyed the (numerous) meets and what his friend did to him. He's beside himself that hes ruined everything and our relationship is over. I am trying to reassure him and I want to make our relationship work but I just feel sick about it and don't know what to do. My knee-jerk reaction is to run very quickly in the opposite direction but I genuinely love him, I just don't know how to get round this.
Submitted: 4 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 4 months ago.

Thanks for being so open about it all. This is brand new information so it has taken you by surprise so I am glad you are not quickly running out the door as you are smart to realize this would be reactive. I think we both know how hard it was for him to open up and tell you about it and I applaud him for taking that risk with you. Tell me more about it making you sick to your stomach? I do think you can both move forward with all of this if you keep talking about things and expressing all of your feelings as well. 10 years ago is a long time and many people have sexual histories that can be difficult to know about and many people don't share it and then it can feel even more difficult to learn about. I am glad you are not running from this. Give yourself and him time to sit with it all, process it and process it together. Tell him all you feel about it, what your fears are and even that it turns your stomach..being open about it will make it all less scary and hopefully you can move forward and feel okay about him and with him.

Customer: replied 4 months ago.
He wants to forget it and start a new life with me. I have all kinds of worries in that he said he enjoyed it so why would he not want to do something he enjoyed? And also will he cheat on me with a man because I obviously can't give him that side of things? I'm not homophobic at all everyone should be and do what makes them happy as long as they aren't hurting anyone but the thought that he did that and allowed that I just can't process and he says he can't give me a definitive reason why he did which then makes me think he's holding back/lying about why because he doesn't want to hurt and lose me. This is my boyfriend, my protector and my head is swimming with images of him doing that and I feel sick and want to run a million miles but the rational part is saying it's past forget it its just not that easy. He is worried I am disgusted at him. I love him but what he did I guess does disgust me. I just don't understand a heterosexual man wanting that with another man and especially something as intimate as he has which then makes me worry he's suppressing or in denial that he likes men. I don't want to be hurt so my defences have come up but the thought of him touching me is making me recoil a bit. How can I get over this? I can't tell him any of this as it would crush him and I worry about what he would do if I did walk away. Our circumstances are that he had liked and wanted to be with me for 3 years before we got together because he was in an unhappy relationship but didn't have the guts to finish it before. We are so happy other than this. I've been avoiding talking to him about how I feel at all which he will obviously pick up on which makes me feel awful. I just want to cry and I don't have anyone to talk to because I don't want them to look at him differently.
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 4 months ago.

I hear and understand all of what you are feeling and by not talking about it with him you are crushing yourself and the relationship. Your worry about crushing him, I get, but I think you hurt yourself more by not being verbal about your feelings. Keeping it all in will only have your mind go wild with imagining things. And it is quite possible that he enjoyed that type of intimacy back then but no longer does...if we can look at things in a more fluid way that might help you. Things aren't always fixed and can change over time. Does that mean he will desire a man again? Not sure, there is no way to predict but whether a man or a woman, nobody is ever fully protected against someone being unfaithful. If he brought this up now, why would he need to lie? Talking to him and putting all of your fears and worries on the table will allow further discussion and reassurance. It is okay you are feeling guarded now...that is a normal reaction. Think more about what you need now around this and worry less about crushing him...being open and gentle with your feelings isn't crushing..it is a healthy way to work through a very difficult space. You get to tell him your worries, you get to ask him if he has the desire...all of it. Give yourself that chance.

Customer: replied 4 months ago.
I totally get the trying new things bit but the whole unprotected and ejaculation bit totally turns my stomach. That's so intimate and it makes me feel disgusting that I'm with someone who has done that. I just feel that he's trying to hide it now when I ask because he knows I'm not how I normally am with him. He's going over the top trying to stop me from leaving such as buying me presents and constantly telling me how much I mean to him and that he loves me but my reaction at the moment is that he's doing and saying those things because he waited so long for us to be together and he doesn't want to lose what we have rather than be brutally honest now he knows that I'm struggling to accept it. I couldn't look him in the eye when I saw him earlier and he has no idea I'm talking to anyone about this. It's affecting my work and I just wish I didn't know any of it because the constant thoughts are so upsetting and I don't know if I'll ever be able to get over it. I cant tell him it disgusts me because he'll feel awful and disgusting and I couldn't do that to him but I just don't know if I can bear him kissing or touching me knowing all this. It just feels like my whole world has come crashing down around me. I can accept the experimental such as wearing womens underwear even kissing a guy but the whole sexual act I don't think I can accept.
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 4 months ago.

I hear you and I am so sorry you are going through all this. How about we just give yourself some time to sit with it and let it work its way through your system. Your world has changed with this information and it is a lot to handle. If you are not ready to talk to him about all of your feelings that is okay...let's just breathe and take it slow. You don't need to make any decisions now one way or the other. Does that feel okay for you?

Expert:  TherapistJen replied 4 months ago.

Please let me know how else I can support you.

Jen

Customer: replied 4 months ago.
I spoke to him about it last night and he then divulged that this was happening as recently as "about a year ago" and that this man had now blocked him on Facebook. Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse! We had a massive argument about it and he said that he felt disgusted in himself and dirty after everytime. I don't feel I can trust him to be entirely truthful as he had led me to believe it had been years ago, not as recent as last year. Again this has just raised loads of self doubt and questions such as;
If the other guy hadn't blocked him would this still be going on?
If he felt that disgusting afterwards, why continue to do it over years and by his own admission "hundreds of times"?
Is he thinking about him when he has been with me?
Is this person going to pop up and start a dialogue with him again and itll happen all over again?
He says he's been tested for STIs but how can I believe him when he lied to me?! He said there's things he won't tell me which has just made me even more defensive because he said he had told me it all. He broke down during this argument and said that if I left him he'd have nothing and there would be no point carrying on so I am really concerned if I can't deal with this in some way and I can't stay what he will do and I can't have that on my mind. I want to see if he still has this guys number and messages on his phone. He says he doesn't and it's finished and he doesn't want it anymore but I just feel like he's lying to keep me but I don't believe in checking people's phones. What do I do? I talked to him and ended up hearing more than I wanted and it being worse than it had been already.
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 4 months ago.
There is so much to deal with around all of this. You both need to process it alone and individually and at this point I would suggest some counseling for both of you so you can work through it all and it can give you the proper space if an ending is happening and also get him the support he needs. This doesn't get solved in a day so please give yourself the time to deal with it all. All of the questions you have are normal and you might not get answered immediately. The mind is swirling so as best you can give yourself some space and calm.
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 4 months ago.

Let me know how you are doing today.

Customer: replied 4 months ago.
Hi I've tried to forget it and still deal with our relationship. I have still got some worries about what he actually likes but he assures me that he is no longer in contact with this person. He is keen for us to move in together to a new area away from all this for a fresh start and even agreed to change his number so there is no way this person can rear their ugly head. I have to accept that the efforts he is going to to make things right are huge and why would he do all this if it wasn't what he entirely wants. I'm having to trust him that he doesn't want to lose me. I'm hoping the horrendous images will go and we can move on.
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 4 months ago.

I am proud of your willingness...it shows your strength and love. Give yourself and him the time to work through this and start again and hopefully in time the images lessen and you can get back to being thrilled being with your soul mate.

I am here again if you need. If all good for now, please take a moment to click the rating tab to rate my support. Thanks in advance and here for you in the future.

TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2909
Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Certified Professional Coach
TherapistJen and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 4 months ago.
Thank you for all your help
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 4 months ago.

It is my pleasure. Come to me anytime and I wish you both a wonderful life together...keep talking about your feelings. Be well.

Jen

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