Hello, I'd like to help you with your problem. Can you tell me more about what is going on?
It sounds like you are not doing anything wrong. The problem seems to lie in what he thinks is okay for communication in the relationship or possibly a deeper problem with him.
People come into relationships with all kinds of issues from their past. They may have suffered trauma, been abused or witnessed their parents or caregivers interacting in a dysfunctional way. Growing up being exposed to these things can cause someone to think their behavior is normal in a relationship when it is not.
A person can also come into a relationship with pain from a past relationship, or they may have personality issues, such as anger problems or narcissism.
You are coming into the relationship with normal communication needs. You want to talk to the person you are with on a regular basis, which is normal. You also want to spend time together, which is also normal. But for the guy you are dating, he is choosing to hold back for some reason.
What you can do is to talk to him again, but this time, try to talk to him face to face. Communicating by text leaves too much possibility of misunderstanding. In a gentle way, ask him directly why he takes a while to respond to your texts. Is he busy or does he have an excuse that sounds legitimate to you? If so, then you have your answer. But if he implies that something is wrong with you for asking, that can be a red flag. You may be dealing with a person who does not see their own behavior as a problem. In that case, you may want to back off and rethink this relationship. Anytime you see someone not at least consider your feelings in a relationship, that may be the beginning of a more serious issue and a sign that you should re consider.
I hope this has helped you,
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It is very possible. You are noting a number of self centered behaviors including trying to control you at the beginning of the relationship by saying he wants to take things slowly then changing it when he wanted to. That can be a sign as well as ignoring your needs. It's especially important to note that he said he would be there for you when you needed him but when you did need him, he was not there.
From what you describe, it doesn't sound like he is interested in what you need in the relationship, which would need to be a factor in getting to know you better. It's hard to get to know anyone you if you are not willing to consider their needs.
All these behaviors point to potentially serious issues with his behavior. If he was just doing one thing, that might not mean anything. But behaviors like you describe all together can point to something more serious.
You have a choice in how to react. You can continue with him and see if he still acts in the same way, or you can back off and end the relationship before you become more involved. At this point, you are seeing enough warning signs to back out of the relationship and move on to someone who does want to know you and your needs.
It is unfortunate that you have to work with him. It is unclear if this emotional abuse, but if it continued it could be. You may want to consider therapy to help you cope with how the situation has affected your self esteem. In the meanwhile, try to see the positive as much as you can. You have spotted his problem behaviors early on, which means you saved yourself from being deeply hurt later on once you became very involved. You also are insightful, which is a great skill in relationships. Try to focus on caring for yourself right now. Do something different like take a break, change your hair, learn a new skill. It will help you feel better about yourself and give you something to focus on while you heal.
You're so welcome, anytime. You need to put yourself first in the situation right now. Take care of you and everything else will fall in place.
If he does have narcissism or a personality disorder, then manipulation is part of that. He would want to pull you in in order to seem genuine and sincere. At this point, if he is ignoring you after sharing so much, that is a red flag.
It sounds like he potentially has a personality disorder. In that case, you will see behavior like you are describing. It doesn't make sense to someone who does not have the disorder and trying to figure it out will never give you the answers that would help. The best way to deal with any red flags like he is giving you is to end things and move on.
Thank you. Let me know if you have any more related questions.
It is not so much about being a coward as it is having a mental health problem. He is going to react according to what he k knows and what he needs, not what you need. It won't make sense to you, especially if you care about what others feel. Here are some resources to help:
Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder... by Paul Mason MS and Randi Kreger
Difficult Personalities: A Practical Guide to Managing the Hurtful Behavior of Others (and Maybe Your Own) by Hazel Edwards MEd and Helen McGrath PhD
You can try to understand why he treats you the way he does, but it is not going to make sense because you are different in how you see others. He will not be honest, straightforward or treat you with respect because he sees things differently due to his problem. Just like you don't see everything as someone who is depressed does, you will not be able to see why he acts as he does. And at this point, understanding, if possible, won't change it either. It will only drag you further into a world that will hurt you, not make you feel good about yourself. You need to focus on you and healing from what you have experienced.
You're welcome! There is nothing wrong with your behavior in the situation. In a normal relationship, anyone you were with would talk to you about anything you did that bothered them and you would work it out together. You are not causing his behavior. He is doing this because of his own problems. And nothing you do will fix him.
You probably have heard the saying "you can lead a horse to water but you cannot make him drink". That is the same with people who have personality disorders. You can certainly try if you want to. But you may also want to consider talking to a therapist before you decide. Getting into such a relationship can hurt you emotionally and take you years to sort out.
I understand. But again, this is about his behavior and not yours.
You're welcome! Take care.
No it does not make a difference.
There is no way to tell without being able to do an assessment on him. If you feel that it is important to examine his behavior and your feelings about it, you may want to try therapy so you can explore these questions at length and in depth. But moving on, for you, would be a better option.
I'm sorry, but I need to sign off. It was great talking to you and I hope our interaction has helped you clarify your question. Feel free to post a new question anytime and the therapists here will help. You may also request my help and if I am available, I would be glad to assist you!
My best to you,