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TherapistMaryAnn
TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5838
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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A guy who is ignoring me, I dont know what I did to deserve

Resolved Question:

A guy who is ignoring me, I dont know what I did to deserve this
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 1 year ago.

Hello, I'd like to help you with your problem. Can you tell me more about what is going on?

Thanks,

Kate

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I have been on a few dates with a guy and got on very well and enjoyed each others company. His texting isnt the best and gives short answers or leaves the conversation but is so chatty in person. I have noticed he isn't really responding to my whatsapp messages. Sunday I text him to see if there was a problem. He seen the text no reply, I asked could I ring him still no reply. Monday evening he finally text saying hello and why was I anxious about the texts. Again he had one worded answers. I asked him was he ok with me and replied yes why not. That was that no more communication. Earlier this morning I text him saying I was thinking about going to a shopping centre either this evening or tomorrow and would he like to join me. He read my message and still has not replied. Why is he ignoring me? I don't understand
Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 1 year ago.

It sounds like you are not doing anything wrong. The problem seems to lie in what he thinks is okay for communication in the relationship or possibly a deeper problem with him.

People come into relationships with all kinds of issues from their past. They may have suffered trauma, been abused or witnessed their parents or caregivers interacting in a dysfunctional way. Growing up being exposed to these things can cause someone to think their behavior is normal in a relationship when it is not.

A person can also come into a relationship with pain from a past relationship, or they may have personality issues, such as anger problems or narcissism.

You are coming into the relationship with normal communication needs. You want to talk to the person you are with on a regular basis, which is normal. You also want to spend time together, which is also normal. But for the guy you are dating, he is choosing to hold back for some reason.

What you can do is to talk to him again, but this time, try to talk to him face to face. Communicating by text leaves too much possibility of misunderstanding. In a gentle way, ask him directly why he takes a while to respond to your texts. Is he busy or does he have an excuse that sounds legitimate to you? If so, then you have your answer. But if he implies that something is wrong with you for asking, that can be a red flag. You may be dealing with a person who does not see their own behavior as a problem. In that case, you may want to back off and rethink this relationship. Anytime you see someone not at least consider your feelings in a relationship, that may be the beginning of a more serious issue and a sign that you should re consider.

I hope this has helped you,

Kate

May I please request that if you find the service I provided helpful at all that you rate me with three or above? Your rating is the only way I am reimbursed for my answer. Thank you so much!

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
He is a good looking guy and he was the one who came to me and gave me his number. He was a complete gentleman when we first hung out and told me he wanted to take things slow I was up for that too but on our second meeting he kissed me and wanted to have sex. I gave in because I really like him and we did the same again when we last met. I did ask him did he want to met up and chat on sunday night but ignored me he knows I am going through anxiety now and he told me before he had an episode of anxiety a few years back and said he is here for me. Sunday I was in a complete panic and thats when I asked could I ring or meet up because I needed to talk and was so anxious. He completely ignored me. Do you think he could be a narcastic person? He told me before he doesn't judge people and doesnt care if people judge him. I did notice him talking a lot about himself but I didn't think anything of it. He very rarely asks about me and sees if I am alright. Maybe I am reading into things way to much
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I am a nice easy going person and take others and their feelings into consideration. The reason why I asked him was because he told me it is a bit boring where he lives (he is new to the area) so I thought it would be a good idea if he wanted to join me. OBVIOUSLY NOT!!!
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
All I want is for him to get to know me as a person, but he doesn't seem to want to
Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 1 year ago.

It is very possible. You are noting a number of self centered behaviors including trying to control you at the beginning of the relationship by saying he wants to take things slowly then changing it when he wanted to. That can be a sign as well as ignoring your needs. It's especially important to note that he said he would be there for you when you needed him but when you did need him, he was not there.

From what you describe, it doesn't sound like he is interested in what you need in the relationship, which would need to be a factor in getting to know you better. It's hard to get to know anyone you if you are not willing to consider their needs.

All these behaviors point to potentially serious issues with his behavior. If he was just doing one thing, that might not mean anything. But behaviors like you describe all together can point to something more serious.

You have a choice in how to react. You can continue with him and see if he still acts in the same way, or you can back off and end the relationship before you become more involved. At this point, you are seeing enough warning signs to back out of the relationship and move on to someone who does want to know you and your needs.

Kate

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I do really feel that is always me initiating contact. I really thought we had something even a friendship. I am very frustrated and feel so low in myself that how come he doesn't have the decency to reply, I could never do that on someone. The unfortunate part is I have to work with this person
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Can this be classed as emotional abuse? Him ignoring my messages. Or that he is a coward and doesnt have the guts to tell me he doesn't want anything to do with me?
Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 1 year ago.

It is unfortunate that you have to work with him. It is unclear if this emotional abuse, but if it continued it could be. You may want to consider therapy to help you cope with how the situation has affected your self esteem. In the meanwhile, try to see the positive as much as you can. You have spotted his problem behaviors early on, which means you saved yourself from being deeply hurt later on once you became very involved. You also are insightful, which is a great skill in relationships. Try to focus on caring for yourself right now. Do something different like take a break, change your hair, learn a new skill. It will help you feel better about yourself and give you something to focus on while you heal.

Kate

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thanks so much for the advice. I think I have to back off. His loss if he chooses not have any contact. I am a caring person who takes other peoples needs into consideration and easy company.
Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 1 year ago.

You're so welcome, anytime. You need to put yourself first in the situation right now. Take care of you and everything else will fall in place.

Kate

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I forgot to add in, which lead me to believe he was a good person. Because he told me he was a nice person and can be shy. He also was talking about his family and how much he loved them he showed me pictures and even sent some pictures of his nephews on whatsapp. He also showed me pictures of his friends and was genuinely happy talking about them, which had me a bit baffled why if he didnt like me tell and show me so much? Sunday week ago he couldn't wait to show me a video of him at his students graduation and giving them their certificates. This really led me to beleive he really liked me. Well he did say he really liked ne before
Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 1 year ago.

If he does have narcissism or a personality disorder, then manipulation is part of that. He would want to pull you in in order to seem genuine and sincere. At this point, if he is ignoring you after sharing so much, that is a red flag.

Kate

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thats what has me so confused. Showing and telling me things. When we are out he never lets me pay for anything. I have been to his house he showed me around. Last week he was telling me about his friends visting him for the week and that this weekend he is going home to suprise his mam. How can you go from that to basically ignoring me.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
But yet doesn't want to get to know me
Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 1 year ago.

It sounds like he potentially has a personality disorder. In that case, you will see behavior like you are describing. It doesn't make sense to someone who does not have the disorder and trying to figure it out will never give you the answers that would help. The best way to deal with any red flags like he is giving you is to end things and move on.

Kate

TherapistMaryAnn and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 1 year ago.

Thank you. Let me know if you have any more related questions.

Kate

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I don't think I will understand! He is confident and does pretty much what he likes. Do you think he is a coward not replying to me when I asked if he want to join me?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
If he doesn't like me why doesn't he just say it instead of ignoring me?
Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 1 year ago.

It is not so much about being a coward as it is having a mental health problem. He is going to react according to what he k knows and what he needs, not what you need. It won't make sense to you, especially if you care about what others feel. Here are some resources to help:

http://www.nmha.org/go/information/get-info/personality-disorders

http://psychcentral.com/personality/

http://www.nami.org/Content/NavigationMenu/Inform_Yourself/About_Mental_Illness/By_Illness/Borderline_Personality_Disorder.htm

http://outofthefog.net/

Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder... by Paul Mason MS and Randi Kreger

Difficult Personalities: A Practical Guide to Managing the Hurtful Behavior of Others (and Maybe Your Own) by Hazel Edwards MEd and Helen McGrath PhD

You can try to understand why he treats you the way he does, but it is not going to make sense because you are different in how you see others. He will not be honest, straightforward or treat you with respect because he sees things differently due to his problem. Just like you don't see everything as someone who is depressed does, you will not be able to see why he acts as he does. And at this point, understanding, if possible, won't change it either. It will only drag you further into a world that will hurt you, not make you feel good about yourself. You need to focus on you and healing from what you have experienced.

Kate

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thanks so much for forwarding on the links. I will have a look at them. Sorry one last question. Would yo say he would see me as a needy person or would that come into the equation?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Maybe I am going to fast for him asking to hang out? As he did say before he wanted to take things slow
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Maybe he thinks I am forward and feels uncomfortable, that he doesn't want to hurt my feelings by not replying to me!
Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 1 year ago.

You're welcome! There is nothing wrong with your behavior in the situation. In a normal relationship, anyone you were with would talk to you about anything you did that bothered them and you would work it out together. You are not causing his behavior. He is doing this because of his own problems. And nothing you do will fix him.

Kate

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I know it just feels like I am the problem, I am making the problem, I'm making him answer a question, I'm driving him away before any sort of relationship happened. All I wanted was to get to know him an vice versa
Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 1 year ago.

You probably have heard the saying "you can lead a horse to water but you cannot make him drink". That is the same with people who have personality disorders. You can certainly try if you want to. But you may also want to consider talking to a therapist before you decide. Getting into such a relationship can hurt you emotionally and take you years to sort out.

Kate

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I feel he thinks that I am a nut case sharing my feelings with him when I don't really know him. Me doing most of the texting and asking to hang out
Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 1 year ago.

I understand. But again, this is about his behavior and not yours.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thanks again
Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 1 year ago.

You're welcome! Take care.

Kate

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Would it make a difference if he is confident person. Confident in his work and ability to work and get on with people. Has lots of friends and is very sociable and independent in what ever he does. Seems always happy when with me and other people. Can really enjoy himself
Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 1 year ago.

No it does not make a difference.

Kate

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I am just thinking too when we were intimate he did ask me a few times what I thought about him and did I like his man hood asking about the size. Would this be insecurity?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I found that a bit strange asking me that but yet he seemed confident and knew what he wanted in bed
Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 1 year ago.

There is no way to tell without being able to do an assessment on him. If you feel that it is important to examine his behavior and your feelings about it, you may want to try therapy so you can explore these questions at length and in depth. But moving on, for you, would be a better option.

Kate

Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 1 year ago.

I'm sorry, but I need to sign off. It was great talking to you and I hope our interaction has helped you clarify your question. Feel free to post a new question anytime and the therapists here will help. You may also request my help and if I am available, I would be glad to assist you!

My best to you,

Kate