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TherapistMaryAnn
TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5770
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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I would like an external opinion on my current relationship

Customer Question

Hi I would like an external opinion on my current relationship issue, should I just be brief on my issue?
Submitted: 2 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Customer: replied 2 months ago.
Hi, I have been dating my boyfriend for 3 years (I have a 10 year old son from a previous relationship). My boyfriend and I live in separate houses which we both own. We live about 3.5k away from each other (he has no car and lives next door to a tram stop) I have a car. During our relationship the main way that we have got to see each other is if I drive over to his house with my son. He is generally loving and attentive towards us both. However recently I am frustrated as I rarely get time in my own home and my little boy does not have any toys etc around him at my partners house so his only source of entertainment is the television. I have approached the subject of him spending more time at my house but he says I am the one with a car....and it is not feasible for him to come to me during the week as he gets the tram to work and this is outside his house. He has said he is not sure if he wants children and has confirmed that he will never marry me. He says its not important to him. We are both 39 years old. When I have mentioned recently that I have had enough of the situation and want to have some clue of if we perhaps may ever live together he says I cannot rush him and he needs time and that we have to go at his pace and that living together may be a possibility. I have backed off from him over the last 10 days and have only seen him once (we had theatre tickets booked) we went to the theatre (I drove) I dropped him and home and he gave me a peck on the cheek and did not ask me in, (not sure I wanted to either though) he text me shortly after to say good night etc. I am considering ending the relationship as after 3 years I would like something more than a 'possibility' i do not necessarily want to get married but being engaged with a view to moving in together is something I would like. Do you think I am overreacting - I am simply tired with the commute to him and spending time in his home if he is not willing to meet me half way on some kind of promise of a committment?
Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 2 months ago.

Hello, I'd like to help you with your questions.

From what you are describing, it sounds like you want more in your relationship- for you both as a couple to move forward. That is a very natural desire in a relationship. However, your boyfriend wants to keep things as they are right now and has expressed no desire to progress or even to establish a relationship with your son, which is vital to moving forward in any relationship with a child involved.

It seems your boyfriend is not willing to listen to what you want out of your relationship. He has expressed that he wants to keep things as they are, even with possibly more distance between you (saying he needs more space). Given that he is saying he doesn't want to move forward and wants to keep a distance, it seems clear he is not ready for a fully committed relationship. Additionally, he depends on you for transportation and is not willing to accommodate your son when you do visit. He could simply be inflexible or he is self centered, neither of which is helpful in keeping a relationship healthy.

Since your boyfriend seems like he won't listen and is not willing to move ahead, he is leaving you to decide if you want to let things stay as they are and agree to what he wants or move on and find another relationship that is more in line with what you want. While that is easy to say, it is difficult to make such a decision. You have invested a lot in your relationship and obviously have a desire to see it grow. But since your boyfriend does not, he is not giving you much choice if you want to have a growing, healthy relationship. He has made it clear he is not willing or able to be in a giving relationship, or maybe any relationship not on his terms, right now.

Backing off sounds like a good idea. Your boyfriend is unwilling to compromise on you driving to his home and spending time there. And he won't budge on any other aspects of your relationship so backing off definitely lets him know you are unhappy. Tell him that you do not agree with his ideas about the relationship and you are seeking more. His reaction will tell you a lot. If he is willing to change, then give it more time and see if he follows through. But if he won't compromise, then he is telling you that you have to accept his terms. It's up to you to decide if that is enough for you and your son.

I hope this has helped you,

Kate

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