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TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3119
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Certified Professional Coach
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Relationship advice please. I need help inter[preting an

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relationship advice please. I need help inter[preting an email my partner has sent me. I have tried to talk to him but its proving difficult sorry for the trpos typos
Assistant: Thank you. Can you provide any more details to help us find you the right Expert?
Customer: its relationship/intimacy advice - we have had various arguments about the latter and an incident occurred about 3 weeks ago and things have headed south
Submitted: 5 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 5 months ago.

Hi. Welcome. Let me know how I can support you.

Customer: replied 5 months ago.
This is the email my partner has sent me. I have tried to talk to him about it and he says his feelings remain the same although he is still meeting up and communicating with me, he tells me to interpret his behaviour and he cannot put a label on whether we are single or not.
this is the email. Thank you
I think it is important to make it clear where I am as It came to a point on Sunday where it isn't in either of our interests to carry on with the way things are as it isn't working and isn't fair.
I appreciate I can be selfish and come across as wanting to do my own routine which means this takes up my time alot and can seem that I don't care but I do. I have been preoccupied with the training, studying and now with the teaching course I think I will become more distracted and feel this is having a negative effect on you as I am not able to give you the attention you want.
Unfortunately this is how I am and would hope you would have accepted me for being like this as I was happy with how things were but this is obviously not ok with you as you are expecting more from me and particularly in regards ***** ***** where I thought you were ok with this but obviously are not.
Specifically in regards ***** ***** night I genuinely wanted to go to sleep which isn't a reflection on anything but myself as I put myself first and know that if I don't get 8 hours I tend not to have a good training session the following day and so was happy to be more intimate in the morning but you weren't or seemed to think this was nothing special as all men wake up like this. Therefore this is just a reflection of how I am, putting myself first and thought you didn't have a problem with this.There have been alot of arguments in regards ***** ***** and it isn't nice and I wouldn't feel comfortable putting pressure on someone else to do something they weren't comfortable with but this is what you are doing to me and I feel it is emotional blackmail as if I don't do it I am somehow showing less emotion which isn't true as I care the same but you want and expect more.
I do think from my opinion you have insecurities, particularly with your body weight and I genuinely don't know why you are not trying to lose the weight as you yourself know it is the right thing to do and with it you would have more confidence in yourself which would have knock on effects in the rest of your life. I don't understand why you cover yourself up when you want to be intimate knowing you are uncomfortable with your weight and don't do anything about this. You said you even had some Ann summers underwear but you never wore this last night and I don't understand this as I thought that is what you bought it for?
I am sure you will have your own opinions on me and what I have said and did / didn't do Sunday night but that is my perspective and it is not the first time this argument has happened in regards ***** ***** and even recently there have been other arguments which are tiring and cause me alot of upset and I and you shouldn't be spending our time upset as life is too shot and we deserve to be with people who accept us for who we are. I really don't get that if I am not the person for you why you stay with me? You do need assurances on your body weight, being told and made to feel loved alot and someone to take control in the bedroom but I am not the type of person to do this even though it doesn't mean I care less. It is who I am, I am not a doting boyfriend and like to be with someone who is confident in the bedroom as I like to be lazy and have someone take control of me.
I was upset with how you spoke to me Sunday morning. Telling me that this was the reason why I hadn't had a lasting relationship and that I should get changed upstairs first so you can't be accused of checking my phone. Whatever I did I didn't warrant being spoken to like that but these issues and problems are all too frequent. The changing of your mind continually is also difficult as you said on Sunday to cancel everything I had planned for your birthday and then just recently you changed your mind and texted me you wanted me to be involved with your birthday. This changing of the mind and changing of moods I find really difficult as I just don't know what mood I am going to find you in and when you are in a bad mood you say what you want and it shows another side to your personality I just don't like, a nasty side and I just don't like this.
As I have said all along I can't commit to you or give a time when I would be able to commit to you in regards ***** ***** children or even moving in and I know this is not what you want to hear and you have pressure from your dad and family for you to do this. You are also getting older and I am conscious as you have said before that you need to start thinking about having a child and settling down as it becomes harder to do this when you get older. Therefore I think it best you have the chance to do this and
Customer: replied 5 months ago.
continI am sure you will have your own opinions on me and what I have said and did / didn't do Sunday night but that is my perspective and it is not the first time this argument has happened in regards ***** ***** and even recently there have been other arguments which are tiring and cause me alot of upset and I and you shouldn't be spending our time upset as life is too shot and we deserve to be with people who accept us for who we are. I really don't get that if I am not the person for you why you stay with me? You do need assurances on your body weight, being told and made to feel loved alot and someone to take control in the bedroom but I am not the type of person to do this even though it doesn't mean I care less. It is who I am, I am not a doting boyfriend and like to be with someone who is confident in the bedroom as I like to be lazy and have someone take control of me.I was upset with how you spoke to me Sunday morning. Telling me that this was the reason why I hadn't had a lasting relationship and that I should get changed upstairs first so you can't be accused of checking my phone. Whatever I did I didn't warrant being spoken to like that but these issues and problems are all too frequent. The changing of your mind continually is also difficult as you said on Sunday to cancel everything I had planned for your birthday and then just recently you changed your mind and texted me you wanted me to be involved with your birthday. This changing of the mind and changing of moods I find really difficult as I just don't know what mood I am going to find you in and when you are in a bad mood you say what you want and it shows another side to your personality I just don't like, a nasty side and I just don't like this.As I have said all along I can't commit to you or give a time when I would be able to commit to you in regards ***** ***** children or even moving in and I know this is not what you want to hear and you have pressure from your dad and family for you to do this. You are also getting older and I am conscious as you have said before that you need to start thinking about having a child and settling down as it becomes harder to do this when you get older. Therefore I think it best you have the chance to do this and equally not end up resenting me for not giving you this opportunity as we could go on for another couple of years and no change and this is no good for either of us. You deserve the chance of marriage and children while you are young enough and I want you to follow your dream with this.I have read the letter your mum wrote to me and it is clear she loved you very dearly and said how much you would support me and how much you think of me which is something I will treasure forever for your mum to write to me when she barely knew me shows what an incredible woman she was. You have asked me for this letter and I am happy to give this to you as it is something you would be able to remember her by.I am not sure what else to write but I hope this at least makes it clearer of where I am coming from. I am happy to be with someone if importantly we can have fun and good times and see where this leads but this breaks down alot with us as there is pressure for this or that and it ends up in an argument which no one wants
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 5 months ago.

Sorry to hear about all this pain....it sounds to me like you are on different pages and have different needs within the relationship. I don't hear an outcome here that you desire....it seems to me like this could be the unraveling of the relationship.

Expert:  TherapistJen replied 5 months ago.

Your styles are different and sometimes the love may be there but the fit isn't right for long-term.

Customer: replied 5 months ago.
thank you for your answer - I would like to try again. how can I go about this? I don't want to loose him.
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 5 months ago.

I know you don't want to lose him so let him know you desire to work on things and will do your part to understand his needs and hope he can work with you on yours.

Customer: replied 5 months ago.
thank you - sorry one last question I promise. do you think that email is ending the relationship?
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 5 months ago.

I would write him a letter with all the love in your heart that you have for him and tell him what you desire with him...he wants fun and ease and I imagine you do as well, so can you let him know that is how you would like things to be as well?

I don't hear him ending it in the email, but I do feel that if things don't change then he may be heading there....does that make sense?

Expert:  TherapistJen replied 5 months ago.

Be the wonderful woman you have been while getting to know one another...we all have insecurities in relationships and that is normal so go easy on yourself too. Can you give him the space to be selfish as he says and not personalize it? If so, then make these changes and let him know you are doing that and show him with action, not just words.

Customer: replied 5 months ago.
thank you, ***** ***** pay for another session with you but can I request that you look over my letter please?it was just what he said to me that I should interpret how he is with me to gage the situation. he is not affectionate and very stand offish. he didn't even allow me to kiss him the other day. he doesn't want to put a label on whether we are single or not. its just this behaviour I do not know how to interpret. that is why I thought he had ended the relationship with the email. he didn't really want to talk about the email despite saying before I should read it and we could decide how to go ahead. I have texted him saying I want to try again but a letter would be better. thank you would appreciate your feedback.
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 5 months ago.

I think he is putting the ball in your court right now but does feel that things need to change for him to feel okay and it comes down to whether you want to make those changes to satisfy him. Your needs are important too and clearly he is hard to figure out how to act...He is not committing one way or the other about being together or single so he may be waiting for you to decide while accepting all of whom he is without him making any changes. Up to you if you feel you can be in a relationship with a man like that.

Expert:  TherapistJen replied 5 months ago.

You deserve to feel happy too and not just make changes to satisfy him....I know you know that and I know you don't want to lose him, so write the letter and then take it from there.

Jen

Customer: replied 5 months ago.
spending time with him just as friends without any pressure and having fun will help I hope. I am really trying. I have suggested going out on Saturday eve but no response. I think I want to at least give it another try and see. I did enjoy my time with him. would you please look over the letter if I email you this? I suppose talking about it all just stresses him so will try and relax a bit but don't know what else I can do. I do think its unfair he wont tell me where we stand???
Customer: replied 5 months ago.
thank you x
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 5 months ago.

I will look at what you write. I don't think he knows where things stand and seems self absorbed and is leaving it all up to you...as he said he is lazy about things.

Expert:  TherapistJen replied 5 months ago.

and you can always come to me....you can request me by writing at the start of your question "for Therapist Jen only" and it will come to me.

Expert:  TherapistJen replied 5 months ago.

Please take a moment to click the rating stars to rate my support. I thank you so much and I am here again if you need.

Customer: replied 5 months ago.
Thank you Jen. I will prepare the letter this eve and email it on here if that ok? I have some clarity from your responses so that has helped me. I just didn't know how to take that email and was reading it over and over to see whether there was anything in there that would suggest that he was ending the relationship. His behaviour is not nice to me though but I suppose he is hurt to. There is another dimension to the situation. I caught him, going to a brothel too and told him that in an indirect way he said it was just a massage but it clearly wasn't.
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 5 months ago.

My hunch is that in time you might figure out that he isn't the one for you. Time will tell.

Please take a moment to click the rating stars so that I may receive credit for my time with you...without the rating, I don't receive credit. You can come back to this thread or begin another one when the letter is done. I appreciate your understanding of that.

Jen

TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3119
Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Certified Professional Coach
TherapistJen and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 5 months ago.

Thank you for that and the bonus. Very lovely and as I said I am here for you again. Be strong.

Customer: replied 5 months ago.
I'm sorry but just a thought do you think he is acting this way just to end it in a nice way thank you I will prepare the letter this evening
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 5 months ago.

I think he is expressing his feelings which are a bit all over the place but let's take it one step at a time and write the letter and go from there. Guessing won't help you so let's stay the course for now.

Customer: replied 5 months ago.
Thank you I will write the email but won't send until after I meet him tomorrow as don't want there to be a dampener on the meeting hope that's ok thank you again
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 5 months ago.
Sounds like a great plan.
Customer: replied 5 months ago.
Hi Jen this is my email to Leon. Any comments are very welcome. Thank you *****Thank you for sending over the email. I have read it many times and take on board what you have said.I realise the ball is in my court. I may not have shown it at times but I do accept and love you for who you are. This is the reason i have stayed with you as you ask in your email why I stay with you.I genuinely miss you in my life - I feel miserable without you - I miss you during the times we have spent together, as well as your quirky jokes, the love of cats and the way you like the purring and the cat massage I could never get right. We have so many memories - good and fun and as I write this I have tears in my eyes as miss you so much.I know we have had rocky patches too. You said in your email you wanted me to know how you felt. I hear what you have said. I realise you need your space, you have a lot going on with the training as well as your career. I respect all that. I don't want you to be a doting boyfriend. I just want us to be a couple like we were, communicate, be part of each other's life, talk about things and have fun, support each other. I know you can't promise marriage or kids and I respect that. It wasn't a dream for me. It's something I think most people want at some stage but obviously we can never plan the exact time it may or may not happen. If I am honest with you just because my family pressure me to marry and have kids - it's only because they worry. It doesn't reflect what I want at this point in life.I have made the decision I would like to spend time with you and see how we go. That is my choice. You had said that I should read your email and then we could decide.The times we have spent together since the argument have been enjoyable and relaxed. I have enjoyed being with you and talking. I have taken stock of what I have been doing wrong in the relationship. I know I don't always give you enough space. I will do that. I need to listen to you. I can and will do that. I need to respect your decisions, especially with what you said about the intimacy. I didn't mean to make you feel like that. I suppose you will only see a difference if you give me another chance. Actions speak louder than words. I appreciate you have said to me you are not just my toy that I can pick up as an when - this was not how I see you at all. I respect you as a person. I did not mean to make you feel this way.You are a genuine, caring and kind man but equally you are driven, focused and have passion and commitment in all you do. I see all this in you and love you for it.I'm sorry I have been annoying when I wanted to talk, needy because of missing you, emotional and seeming like I'm ranting when I care and insecure because I'm afraid of losing you. This Is the truth all the above says it how I have felt.I haven't always dealt with things in the best of ways - but I hope you will remember I have never stopped caring for you and have always tried my best to make you happy and support you in things important to you. I think you realise that.You have equally been supportive and always by my side when things have gone wrong and I have always appreciated that. We had plenty of fun times and thinking of them again I hope we can recreate these.I have always worn my heart on my sleeve and perhaps have been too open but that's how I felt comfortable. Im not perfect, Iv made mistakes I am insecure but doesn't mean I can't change things for the better for me and the relationship. I am focusing on myself as well and won't be as intense as I was during the relationship - ie like you said the relationship is not everything. It is important to me but it is equally important that we are happy in our own lives as well.I want to be with you Leon. I hope you will give me another chance. I will take it at your pace but I hope you will atleast consider giving it another go even if it means taking things slower. I am prepared to do that.
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 5 months ago.

That is beautiful and heartfelt...well done and I truly hope he responds in a way that works for you. I have nothing to add or take from the letter because it is beautiful.

Customer: replied 5 months ago.
Thank you very much he is still treating me like a friend - there was a grief moment on Saturday when he forgot and went to tickle me then stopped - last nite we met up and he got very drunk. He does t know if he can see me today and said he would let me know if he has time. It's coming up to a month and he is still not showing any sign. I do t even know te letter will change. Iv booked to go away with him for 3 days he said he didn't object. I just do t know what else I can do - really making me miserable
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 5 months ago.

just let things be now and don't push so heavily...pull back and give him some reigns.

Be well and I wish you the best with all of it.

Customer: replied 5 months ago.
Thank you

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