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TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2922
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Certified Professional Coach
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I've been with my girlfriend for nearly a year and recently

Customer Question

hi
I've been with my girlfriend for nearly a year and recently she got a job out of the country and we have been doing a long distance relationship for the past month. I just visited her for the weekend for the first time since she left.
The job is a tour of the country she is living in and involves her and two other performers who she is also living with.
I have some concerns regarding he possibly having feelings for one of the guys she is working and living with. Now she has never been secretive about him and even wanted me to meet both of them when I came to visit. Nor is she secretive of he phone which she freely offers for me to pick up or read a text to her if the phone is nearer to me.
I am concerned over a few thing though:
- she frequently will complain about him when we speak. Usually regarding his attitude at work. However it is almost every time we talk on the phone. And although how she refers to him is usually negative it concerns me that he seems to be on her mind so much.
- I aired my concerns whilst drunk on night. The next evening while we were eon the phone she left our conversation suddenly to talk to him and complemented him on his beard whilst I could clearly hear (although this was apparently because it was important for the show the are preforming). It however struck me at the time like she was trying to provoke a reaction out of me.
- When during my recent visit we met up with her friends for a drink a became uncomfortable with what I perceived to be fbody language that would suggest she was attracted to him. She laughed at his jokes which of course is normal but i felt like she was giving him a look at times that suggested more than friendship. However she spent the first half an hour talking with her other friend whilst I spoke with the guy in question. Also I don't why she would arrange for me to meet them if she what I fear is happening is in fact happening so maybe I'm just being paranoid. I confronted her on this afterwards which caused an argument. When we finally made up however she was very loving and basically she understands I have a problem with this and that she'll do anything to try to put my mind at ease.
I should point out that during our phone calls and our recent trip she was very loving and supportive and frequently spoke of our future and what she wants even referring to starting a family one day.
I should also point out that I am the jealous type. I am trying to deal with this but I have been stupid about tiny things in the past.
Any perspective on this you could give would be great thanks
Submitted: 3 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 3 months ago.

I hear all of your worries, but I also hear how she loves you and desires to be with you. they work together and are friends but that does not translate into anything more. I understand how hard it is for you to be away from her and for her to be in the environment that she is in with him but have a little more faith in YOU and your connection to her and remind yourself that she is with you for a reason. You know yourself well and can see how the jealousy and worry may be causing a lot of this for you so keep being loving and open with her and not accusatory...and trust in what you have.

Customer: replied 3 months ago.
I appreciate that and acknowledge that I have a jealous problem but could I ask do you think there is anything to worry about when she is constantly complaining about him specifically and never mentions the other person?
Customer: replied 3 months ago.
Is there anything else I should look out for?
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 3 months ago.

I don't hear that there is anything to worry about...he might just be annoying...:-) this is a new situation for her too and she has to deal with him and whatever work stuff is going on.

If she isn't attentive to you and seems disengaged for a while that would concern me but I don't hear that so as best you can don't let your mind run away and create things that could be.

Customer: replied 3 months ago.
Thanks. Lastly could I ask is there any practical thing I could do to work through my own problem.I've done my best to never mention my concerns to her as I don't want to cause problems in the relationship but if its bothering me now with this situation then there will very likely be issues later on with other men that I get worried about unnessacarily. So any advice on me dealign with the root of my problem would be really appreciated.She's a wonderful girl and I don't want to mess things up
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 3 months ago.

I think being open with her about this part of you could be helpful for both of you....we all have stuff so don't be upset that this comes up for you. Talk with her, let her know how you love her and your mind runs wild at a time and reassurance from her periodically goes a long way to calm you. for you each time these fears come up practice some self talk and remind yourself of your connection and love for one another. I do believe being open about your feelings can be quite helpful. Hiding it doesn't allow you to work through it together.

Customer: replied 3 months ago.
thanks you've put my mind at ease with this. I know I'm being stupid but getting some outside perspective just affirms that I should stick to my gut and trust her. thanks for your help
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 3 months ago.

You are not being stupid at all! Our emotions run high when we love and care...go easy on yourself and be open with her about what goes on for you. It is all okay.

Let me know if I can support you further...if all good for now, please click the rating stars to rate my support. I am here again in the future if you need.

Expert:  TherapistJen replied 3 months ago.

Thanks in advance for taking care of the rating as I am not credited for my time without it.

Customer: replied 3 months ago.
well actually I gave your five starts but before you go I have another question.My girlfriend gets depressed at times and she always assures me that I'm the person that makes her feel at ease and helps her with it. But I was wondering if you could offer any general advice to someone in a relationship with someone who gets depressed from time to time.
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 3 months ago.

Be there and be supportive as she is experiencing it...the same holds true for what I have said above...both of you keep talking and being open about how you feel so that you can both support one another. If her depression at any point seems like she needs professional support then look onto that but if it is mild and she is calmed by you then keep being the loving and open man you are.

Expert:  TherapistJen replied 3 months ago.

The 5 star rating hasn't come through so if you could click it again I would be very appreciative. Thanks and I wish you both well.

Customer: replied 3 months ago.
okay thanks again for your help. Have a nice day
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 3 months ago.

My pleasure. Wishing you the best.

Expert:  TherapistJen replied 3 months ago.

As I have mentioned, I do not receive credit unless you provide a rating and I believe I have given wonderful support to your questions so if you could, please click the rating stars to rate my support. I appreciate your understanding around this.

Jen

TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2922
Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Certified Professional Coach
TherapistJen and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 3 months ago.

Thanks so much...it came through. Be well and be open with your feelings.

Jen

Customer: replied 3 months ago.
yeah sorry sorry I forgot to submit the first time. Cheers
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 3 months ago.

:-) no worries.

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