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TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2816
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Certified Professional Coach
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Ok, so here goes. It's a bit of a story I'm afraid, but I

Customer Question

Ok, so here goes. It's a bit of a long story I'm afraid, but I really don't know what else to do and it's really dragging me down. For the purpose of this, let's call him Mr X.
There's this guy I know who I met through a friend. At first, I didn't really think much of it, but looking back, we did get on well when we first met. One evening, I went onto the pub for a drink. I'd had a bad day and just wanted to chill out a bit. I didn't realise he was in there, but he spotted me and as I turned around, he was walking towards me. He kissed me on the cheek, said hello and asked if he could buy me a drink. He then guided me towards where him and a few others had been standing. It was a little later that evening when one of the others turned to me and said "you do realise that Mr X really likes you, don't you?". I was a bit taken back as I was t really expecting it, and due to me having little confidence and self esteem, I didn't really know what to believe. But, my reaction to it was pretty obvious and it made me realise that I had strong feelings for him. I mentioned to Mr X a bit later on what this person had said to me, but I kind of put it across in a by of a joking way, so that I could see what his reactions were. He didn't say anything, but just looked straight in to my eyes and held that eye contact for some time.
I tried to speak to him the following week, but I chickened out of saying anything and he then disappeared as soon as my back was turned, making me feel rather rejected. Over the course of the next few weeks, he pehaved as if I didn't even exist. He would pretend I wasn't there, purposely ignore me when he was buying rounds of drinks for everyone else there, purposely speaking to other girls right in front of my face. I tried talking to him again, but he was just abrupt with me and made it quite clear that he didn't really want to speak to me. He was rude on a number of occasions as well, so I sent him a message and told him to continue acting like a tw*t is that's what works for him, but that it was his loss. He didn't reply.
A week or so later, he did then speak to me. At first he was very defensive and was saying that I had been slagging him off and he wasn't having it. I became quite defensive as well and pointed out his behaviour towards me and how it had made me feel. He then said that what this person had said about him liking me wasn't true and that he didn't even know anything about it until the day before. I reminded him that I'd told him about it at the time, but he shrugged it off as if he didn't know what I was talking about. He did then back down slightly and he said that it's clearly a misunderstanding and that we should forget about it and move on. I agreed and went to give him a hug, as I am quie an affectionate person. He literally jumped back a mile! And said, no, we can chink glasses instead.
From there, things did seem to be OK for a little while. We spoke a few weeks later and I was sympathetic to something that happened to him. He accepted my friend request on Facebook and he even commented on a status of mine and we had a little conversation about it. Things seemed fine and it seemed as if we were becoming friends. One evening while I was with him and a friend of ours, our friend was a little drunk and started making reference to whether I was going to move near Mr X as he knew I was planning on moving home. This made me feel a bit uncomfortable and Mr X was standing right there listening to it all. So, a bit later on I had a bit of a word with this friend and told him that he made me feel uncomfortable and not to say anything like that again. I didn't want there to be any more problems or animosity, so I messages Mr X to let him know what was said so that there couldnt be any risk of things getting misconstrued or for chinese whispers to take place. He replied straight away and said not to worry and that everything was fine. He told me he thought I was worrying about nothing and that everything was good.
After that, he started becoming cold towards me again and ignoring me. I got quite upset about it with another friend of ours and I suspect that got back to him in some way. That seemed to change again though and we had a few occasions where I did see him a few evenings in a row. For some of the time it was just him and I and we talked about all sorts of things. I was quite pleased as it seemed that we were friends. I then received some really bad news that a friend had been killed in a tragic accident. I was in shock and was grieving, but as Mr X and I seemed to be on good terms, I did mention it to him. He seemed quite sweet about it and I sent him a few nice messages, but also explained that I wasn't really myself. I saw him throughout this time and he seemed fine with me. Then I get a message from him saying not to contact him
Submitted: 27 days ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 27 days ago.

Hi. It sounds to me that it could be a few things....that he didn't have the feelings for you that his friend said and he was then embarrassed when you said something to him. The other possibility is that he did have those feelings and was still embarrassed when you said something. His back and forth with you indicates to me that after that moment, he just never felt at ease again and that is no fault of yours. we may never know what he truly felt but I do believe the best thing for you to do right now is not contact him, respect those wishes and try to move forward. I know how painful it feels, but for now it is the only option. And giving him this space could also help him to realize that he does want your friendship. so as best you can, move forward and let things play out.

Customer: replied 27 days ago.
When I got that message from him, I felt so hurt and angry, that I messaged him saying that I hadn't done anything wrong to him and that I thought he was a nice guy, but clearly I was wrong. At that he blocked me on Facebook.That was a few months ago now and I've purposely tried to stay away. I've bumped into him by the station a few times, but he just purposely avoids me. Last night, I unexpectedly bumped into him and a couple of our friends. I didn't want to be rude, so I bought them all a drink and then went over to see the person I was in there to meet. After my friend had left, I thought I would head over to see them and see if I could try to hold an olive branch out to Mr X to try to resolve whatever it was that happened between us. He was standing on his own, so was a good opportunity. I approached him and let him know that there was a drink paid for for him behind the bar. He didn't saying thank you, ***** ***** just cold, sarcastic and abrupt with me. So, I said that I didn't want there to be any problems between us. He immediately jumped to the defence and said that he wasn't talking about it. I said that I was only trying to be nice. He then backed down a little but and asked me how I was, I asked him how he was and again said that I didn't want any trouble and that I didn't really understand what had happened. His response was angry and he said "well, I think you're abusive and nasty!" I was completely taken back by this and said "wow! I see things in a very different way, the opposite in fact and he just said nothing. The others then reappeared, so I said that I was going out side and I walked out. I just really don't understand why he's treating me this way and what the reasoning behind it is. Please can you try and shed some light on his behaviour?
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 27 days ago.

I explained in my first response. There is no way to know what his motivations were but to me it sounds like he was not interested and when his friend said that and you joked about it, it made him uncomfortable and this is how he has chosen to handle it. Buying him drinks and trying to go over it with him when you run into him, angers him further and he doesn't want to discuss it. So it is time to just let it pass, no more drink buying and continue to move forward.

Customer: replied 27 days ago.
I bumped into one of our friends today and he could see how hurt and upset I was. He told me that he thought Mr X was being a silly ass and an idiot, but was quite comforting towards me as if he knew something. But he wouldn't tell me anything and said he wasn't going to get involved
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 27 days ago.

Time to step away from it...the more you talk to mutual friends and it gets back to him the more he feels uncomfortable. Time to let it all go and not engage with him or any of the mutual friends about it.

Customer: replied 27 days ago.
That doesn't make much sense though. Why would he feel uncomfortable about it when we were perfectly fine and getting on OK, then suddenly without anyone mentioning anything about it, he suddenly cuts all contact with me, even though we had become friends? And also at a time when he knew I was grieving. I don't seem to get that? If he didn't care, he wouldn't have been bothered and wouldnt have been avoiding me purposely. He also wouldn't have left last nights as soon as I walked off
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 27 days ago.

Because maybe he felt you were coming on too strong and it wasn't comfortable for him. It may not have felt too strong for you, but maybe it was for him. You wanted him to care for you while grieving, but it is possible he just didn't feel like being in that role and it is your opinion that he would have left the bar but maybe he doesn't feel like he needs to alter his life for you. You are defining what he must have felt, but there is no way of truly knowing, but what we do know is that backing off is the only option now and I know it is hard without having all the answers, but pushing will only make things harder for you.

Expert:  TherapistJen replied 27 days ago.

I wish you well on your journey of healing.

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