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JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC, Counselor (LPC)
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 778
Experience:  25+ years helping resolve relational issues.
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I part-own a small 1 bed flat in London, my boyfriend of 3

Customer Question

I part-own a small 1 bed flat in London, my boyfriend of 3 years rents a 1 bed flat in Bromley. His 3 children (boys) ages 11/12 & 16 live in Petts Wood (not far from Bromley). He has his children stay over at his every other weekend, they stay on sofa beds in his living room.
He is demanding it is time we lived together. I really do not want to sell my flat, he thinks I should or move in with him in Bromley. All of my work (I am a LTD company and work for myself) is based in London, I was born in London and have always lived in London. To move into his Bromley flat, he wants contributions from me and my travel costs would double. So my life and finances change, to live with him, but his life and his finances dont... if anything, get better if I'm to contribute. Worse still, he thinks that by using verbal, emotional and physical abuse on me that i will eventually do as he says and move into his flat in Bromley.
I really want to make this work as I do love him, but don't want to do as he demands. Please help. Kelly.
Submitted: 27 days ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  JohnMichaels,MS,LPC replied 27 days ago.
Hello, my name is John. It sounds to me like simply a business deal on his part. He profits off of you moving in. Honestly, he needs to get a bigger place and he needs to pay for it from what I gather.You might can cone up with a compromise where you ot a bigger place more centrally located. You could rent out your place, maybe by Airbnb? What concerns me is his tone. You do t owe him anything. He has no right to demand anything of you. I know you want to make it work, but if you allow this treatment Now, they is what you will be stack with. The first think you need to do is decide that you are going to remain calm, no yelling, name calling , or sarcasm. You need to decide what you are willing to do and lay on the line for him. He either take it or leave it. There might be further discussion needed. Tell him under no circumstances will you discuss it if he is goi g to yell or be helpful. Stick to your guns on that. This doesn’t have to be a big deal. His behavior makes it that way. Does that make sense?
Expert:  JohnMichaels,MS,LPC replied 27 days ago.
If that is helpful, will you do me a favor? Please give me a five star rating so I can be paid for my services. Thank you!
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Customer: replied 27 days ago.
Thank you for your response, nearly made my eyes water, as I have really let him grind me down again, and making me think it was me being selfish, and not knowing how to act in a relationship. What adds another spanner to the works is, I sadly cannot rent my flat out, as it part owned by the council, which would result in me illegally subletting which, i will not do.
Initially when we first met, I was living with my parents, but had the mortgage in place and the apartment block was being built, he wanted me to sell my flat so we could be together. We had only been together for a bout 3 months.
(he had an extremely abusive, drunken father, that controlled him in everything that he did, if he lost at sports, he would get punished, if he let his father down, he got punished, yet he tells me that he thinks the sun shone out of his dads *rse. The dad that tried to kill him when he was 7 years old because his mother tried to take him back to the womans refuge!)
He demandingly scrutinises everything I say/have said and do/have done, and when I try to answer those demands/profess my reason/innocence, I am spoken/shouted over, have bits of my past (which you wrongly exaggerate) thrown in my face and my answers/responses looked down upon and not believed. All of this from the person I love, and the person that says he adores the ground I walk on, the person that was supposed to not be doing all of those things to me again. (yes again! It is the reason I broke away from him for 8 months) we have been back together for about 8 months. All he talks about is living together. I don't feel it is appropriate for his children to sleep on sofabeds every other weekend when he has them, and is the reason why I just can't let him move in with me, my falt isn't big enough and I don't think it is appropriate to have his 3 children sleeping on my sofabed in my living room. Because I have voiced what I think (the above), his response was, "well, we will have to rent out a 2 bedroom flat if you don't like it, and you will have to pay the extra cost because my budget is £1,000" (a 2 bedroom flat in bromley rents for about £1,300-£1,400 per month) in which case, my travel fares would rise, I would be paying rent on flat when I am already paying out for a mortgage on a flat in London (which incidentally would be sitting empty).
He gave me an ultimatum, that if we weren't living together by Christmas this year then we are finished.
He snores all night long and kicks all night long so I don't get much sleep, and if I dare get out of the bed to get some sleep on my sofa, he kicks off and starts shouting at me saying that me getting out of the bed makes him feel unwanted. He will always yell and drunkenly shout at me in my flat so the neighbours can hear. They even called the police once and he was arrested for hitting me.
Sorry this question is just turning into a million things.... that I refuse to believe...
Customer: replied 27 days ago.
He also hates me going out with my friends (and I don't have many) andmost of the time I have to arrange nights out with them around the weekends that he has his children. Woe-be-tide if I can't re-arrange it and have to see my friends on a night when he doesn't have his children. He also wants me to stop seeing my gay friend Richard, because he says that we have a sick set-up, secret language and he doesn't want his girlfriend being a fag-hag....
Expert:  JohnMichaels,MS,LPC replied 27 days ago.
I think I responded to this on another thread.