How JustAnswer Works:
  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site. Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.
Ask JohnMichaels,MS,LPC Your Own Question
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC, Counselor (LPC)
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 778
Experience:  25+ years helping resolve relational issues.
68372260
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC is online now

Thank you for your response, nearly made my eyes water, as I

Resolved Question:

Thank you for your response, nearly made my eyes water, as I have really let him grind me down again, and making me think it was me being selfish, and not knowing how to act in a relationship. What adds another spanner to the works is, I sadly cannot rent my flat out, as it part owned by the council, which would result in me illegally subletting which, i will not do.
More background info on this relationship:
I am now 40 years old and he is now 48 years old. Initially when we first met, 4 years ago, I was living with my parents, but had the mortgage in place and the apartment block was being built, he wanted me to sell my flat so we could be together. We had only been together for about 3 months. (he had an extremely abusive, drunken father, that controlled him in everything that he did, if he lost at sports, he would get punished, if he let his father down, he got punished, yet he tells me that he thinks the sun shone out of his dads *rse. The dad that tried to kill him when he was 7 years old because his mother tried to take him back to the womans refuge!) I had the same abuse then, that I am having now.
He demandingly scrutinises everything I say/have said and do/have done, and when I try to answer those demands/profess my reason/innocence, I am spoken/shouted over, have bits of my past (which you wrongly exaggerate) thrown in my face and my answers/responses looked down upon and not believed. All of this from the person I love, and the person that says he adores the ground I walk on, the person that was supposed to not be doing all of those things to me again. (yes again! It is the reason I broke away from him for 8 months) we have been back together for about 8 months. All he talks about is living together. I don't feel it is appropriate for his children to sleep on sofabeds every other weekend when he has them, and is the reason why I just can't let him move in with me, my falt isn't big enough and I don't think it is appropriate to have his 3 children sleeping on my sofabed in my living room. Because I have voiced what I think (the above), his response was, "well, we will have to rent out a 2 bedroom flat if you don't like it, and you will have to pay the extra cost because my budget is £1,000" (a 2 bedroom flat in bromley rents for about £1,300-£1,400 per month) in which case, my travel fares would rise, I would be paying rent on flat when I am already paying out for a mortgage on a flat in London (which incidentally would be sitting empty).
He gave me an ultimatum, that if we weren't living together by Christmas this year then we are finished.
He snores all night long and kicks all night long so I don't get much sleep, and if I dare get out of the bed to get some sleep on my sofa, he kicks off and starts shouting at me saying that me getting out of the bed makes him feel unwanted. He will always yell and drunkenly shout at me in my flat so the neighbours can hear. They even called the police once and he was arrested for hitting me.
He also hates me going out with my friends (and I don't have many) andmost of the time I have to arrange nights out with them around the weekends that he has his children. Woe-be-tide if I can't re-arrange it and have to see my friends on a night when he doesn't have his children. He also wants me to stop seeing my gay friend Richard, because he says that we have a sick set-up, secret language and he doesn't want his girlfriend being a fag-hag....
Does he have his own issues that he needs to address, not his issues that I have to address? I am willing to forgive him, I am willing to move into his 2 bedroom flat (if he gets one) even if it is in Bromley, I am not asking his to move away from his children. I am willing to let my flat sit empty. I am willing to contribute towards food and household bills, if I move into his 2 bedroom flat, if he gets it, as I will still be paying out for bills and mortgage at my flat so cannot contribute to the extra rent. I also don't want to lose him but don't know what else to do or suggest to him to enable him to see that he cannot keep demanding these things from me and treating me like this?
Sorry this question is just turning into a million things.... that I refuse to believe...
Submitted: 27 days ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  JohnMichaels,MS,LPC replied 27 days ago.
You say you love him and he says he loves you. His behavior and abuse say otherwise. I thought I loved my wife when I met her. I don’t know what Love even was then. Love is a commitment. Not a physical or emotional attraction. That initial attraction is just the spark that gets the fire going. Love is a commitment to weather the storms together, to look after one another’s needs, to become united as one. What he has for you is not even a spark. He is looking after his own interests. He says if he doesn’t get his way it is over. Call his bluff! Tell him you will not stand for his bullying anymore and stick to it. I may not be very encouraging g, but I think you can do better than this.
Customer: replied 27 days ago.
He has always wanted us to live together, from after a few months together. Is that not him wanting commitment?
I have stated to him, that "I will not be moving anywhere until I am happy and until I want to". (generally when he doesn't get his own way i.e. me out with friends/family on a day/night that he doesn't have his children, as he cannot come along with me and said friends/family because they hate him so much; a key to my flat; when I don't respond to his whatsapp messages but have been on whatsapp; and all of the previous mentioned as examples). His response was "so Xmas isn't happening then? Know you've said you don't want to live with me, I don't know what to think? I think we need some space to think about what it is we both want". I'm afraid to say, I responded "I just want a boyfriend that doesn't abuse me, and did he have time for that?" I guess I'm still trying because I still love him, but am struggling to understand and keep questioning myself, why do I love someone that treats me like that? Because the other 50% of the time when he isn't being nasty to me, he does make me happy and I love being with him?
Expert:  JohnMichaels,MS,LPC replied 27 days ago.
No, I don’t think it is commitment on his part. I think it is for convenience and financial reason. I also believe if you ever do give in and move in with him, his abuse is simply going to get worse, as he will think he owns you. That is just my opinion, but my opinion is based on years of observation and hundreds of clients
Customer: replied 27 days ago.
I think, he already acts like he owns me. Can I make him see sense? Or am I just letting myself be abused because he will never change? Will he ever change? The other 50%, I do feel the love from him, so hope (is what I've been doing for the whole relationship) it isn't just convenience and financial. I do trust your opinion very much, I think I am just fighting to not believe it :( It has now been 24 hours no contact since our last whatsapps (mentioned above). What do I do? He will no doubt kick off/accuse me of not wanting to sort this out, if I wait for him to contact me... but what does he need space for to think about "what he wants"? I have told him I am not happy because he is shouting and swearing and putting me down about anything he drag from his very bad memory and making me unhappy, and I will not move in with him until I am happy. Whatever could he be thinking about?
Expert:  JohnMichaels,MS,LPC replied 27 days ago.
There is always be the possibility of change. I wouldn’t recommend risking it. If you do, I would insist he complete an anger management course/group, compromise on the living situation, and admit he has treated you wrong.
Customer: replied 27 days ago.
The strange thing is, he is adamant that this relationship is going nowhere because of me. He says he acts the way he does because of me making this relationship not go anywhere, he tells me he wants to live together, like a proper couple in a proper relationship, he drops hints about wanting to marry me. And the next evening after a few whiskies is screaming profanities at me for any reason he can think of, except the real reason, which is: I haven't given him a key to my flat yet (because he keeps treating me like this I can't bring myself to trust him with one).sometimes he apologises, but he is a repeat offender, and over the past 4-5 weeks, it has been pretty constant, and he hasn't apologised for any of it, tries to justify it fact, and is adamant he is in the right. He does not think he has done or is doing anything wrong and I fear he will not compromise on anything and not complete any course. Shall I wait for him to contact me with his wants?
Customer: replied 27 days ago.
He will contact me either way because he will want all of his stuff from my flat back. So I will for the next contact, stick to my feelings and what I am willing to compromise. I'm sure I will then hear what thinks/wants. thank you again for all of your expertise on this matter.
Expert:  JohnMichaels,MS,LPC replied 27 days ago.
I wish you the best. Remember:•Remain Calm•Reiterate Your Wants•Require He Meet You Halfway
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 27 days ago.
I want to be happy enough with him (him to get over his own issues and insecurities) for it to be a natural happy, loving, trusting process for me to want to live with him.
I want to trust and believe that he does love me.
If he can't show me these things, however would I compromise on that?... I will let you know how it all pans out. Thank you again John.
Expert:  JohnMichaels,MS,LPC replied 27 days ago.
No, don’t compromise on your dignity. He needs to either treat you with respect or leave you alone.
Expert:  JohnMichaels,MS,LPC replied 27 days ago.
To be honest, I don’t thibk he is ever going to change. He is always going to be an arrogant abusive user. That is my opinion though and it is your life.