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TherapistMaryAnn
TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 721
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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I’ve been with my fiancé 10 years. Next year It’s my 30th

Customer Question

I’ve been with my fiancé 10 years. Next year It’s my 30th birthday, 8 days before my birthday it’s my mother in laws 60th birthday. Basically my mother in law wants to go away with the whole family (my in laws side) for the week over my birthday. The location chosen is ibiza wherby we have to pay for our own flights but accommodation is paid for. Ibiza flights in peak season is expensive. I’ve gently tried suggesting another cheaper location at maybe a different time perhaps the week over my in laws birthday, so we return the day before or a few days before my birthday, to no avail. The crux of the matter is I don’t want to spend my 30th birthday with my mother in law. To cut an extremely long story short, I used to work for my m in law and we fell out over money and holidays that she paid for, for me. (I’m very great full but my brother in law who didn’t work for her never had to pay a penny and never had the debt held against him). I feel as though she’s making my SO choose between her or me. I’ve bitten the bullet and asked my other half to go on holiday with his Mum but without me (we’ve holidayed a couple of times separately since my my M in law fell out with me over money for holidays) as I feel as though if I didn’t tell him to go in a few years he’d grow to resent me (he’s very very close with his mum) I don’t want to cause a rift but I don’t want to spend my 30th birthday with my m in law who doesn’t particularly like me nor want to spend time with me. And I also don’t want an expensive holiday that I don’t particularly want to go on to be held against me in a few years. I don’t know if I’m wrong for feeling this way or if I’m being unreasonable. I just don’t know what to do. Advise needed.
Submitted: 1 month ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr.G. replied 1 month ago.

Well, a few thoughts. Not doing exactly what you want to do on your birthday does sound unreasonable. It is just another day and you can always celebrate your birthday another day. However, not going on a vacation because you cannot afford it is not unreasonable. Forgiving your mother-in-law and having fun family time together is important and healthy. Fiance of 10 years??? Why no marriage? Your thoughts?

Customer: replied 1 month ago.
We’ve been together 10, engaged for 4 years we just don’t have the money to get married, id love to have a runaway wedding but my mother and sister in law have said they would never forgive me if we did. I realise you say I can just celebrate another day but I’d like to celebrate my birthday on my birthday as I’ve booke annual leave and I thought it was kind of a special birthday. Yes forgiveness is important but so is an apology which to date ive never received....
Expert:  Dr.G. replied 1 month ago.

Forgive without the apology. The apology may never come but at least you will feel better about it. I am not going to get stuck on birthday because to each his own. If you can't afford it then you shouldn't go. I understand accommodations are being paid for but plane tickets can be expensive. If she can't understand that then she is the unreasonable one. And, your fiance needs to be explaining this to his mother so she hears it from both of you and not just you.