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TherapistMaryAnn
TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5916
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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I started chatting to someone online - and got attached - we

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I started chatting to someone online - and got attached - we went on two dates and went great. When i got home i said i would like to plan the 3rd date. I thought he was also interested. But then he took long to reply to messages or just didnt reply. Then I messaged him just before he went on a weekend away. He said thanks had a little chat and then said i will try not to forget you by tuesday with a kiss emoji (which is when he returned). after i sent that message on friday morning i deleted his number so i would not be tempted to call. Then today Thursday i buckled and saw he was online on the dating app and said he was a meany for forgetting me. He said ' i thought u would never message and i still got whats app' and i recently found out that on iphone it is clear if i deleted their number from my phone (as that is the whats app option i selected). I personally got a bit annoyed by his point - regarding i thought you would never text because that was implying he was waiting on me which is rude since he had no intention to contact me.then i was just honest and said i deleted his num because i kept checking to see if he messaged and had not got a reply and i said i was heart broken which i partly was - because when we were on the two dates i felt we really got on well.and i said i would appreciate him being honest on why he became distant. i said i was happy for him to whats app me if he wanted to stay in touch. then i said i would keep bothering him (in joke but guess could be misinterpreted). i said i had missed himand he said woah give me a chance to replyi then said can i have your num please (because i thought would be best to call)then saw he was online and went offline so - by that point i was losing my patience -i said omg your gone againnthen sent a long message stating what i felt i needed to get off my chest i said i did think he was going to message when he would come back from his trip, i said maybe i pushed the 3rd date and i said it is fine if you were not interested in me. but i said i would like a better understanding of why he just went cold because when we were together he seemed sincerely ***** ***** also said i understand the date and drop vibe but didnt like the limbo state of will try to remember you when i come back. i said he just should have said hey .... this is the situation rather than pretending to be interetsed.i said i will expect what ever he can offer in an attempt to explain why he just went cold on us.
I also said if he didnt want to give me his number that was fine. and i said i did enjoy being in his company and wish him all besthe then said i will reply dont worry ive had a very busy day and out with work friends
he said i think you have gone way past the point and that i have not given me a chance to speak and sent him all these messages. he said he needs a chance to gather his thoughts. he said i thought you were cool until today, but not sure now.I was a bit annoyed by that last comment because i thought he was cool to until he started the dissappearing act.i ended my last text by saying sorry and that i had probably liked him more than i should have and that i bottled up the upset of him not actually contacting back. i said i am fine. and that an undertsanding is all i want. sorry that i bombarded him and reply when he is free but not a century. i said thanks and enjoy his night. and i a, the same person he knows. and that maybe i just had one of those daysSo basically i wana know how much of an idiot i made of myselfand those small digs he made are annoying

Hello, I'd like to help you with your problem.

It sounds like he is approaching this relationship on his own terms and does not seem concerned with how you feel. It sounds like you reacted to him as you did because of his confusing behavior. And since he did not give you answers as to why he acted that way and said those things, you had no choice but to contact him if you wanted answers.

This guy is showing you some red flags with his behavior. For one, your impression is that the two dates went well. But he seemed to not feel the same when he didn't contact you for a third date and sent you that strange and somewhat hurtful message when he was leaving for his weekend away. It is not normal for someone to pull back from a good beginning of a relationship and not respond to messages or be concerned with what the other person is feeling. Because he was not responding to your messages it left you with no way to know what had happened. So it's natural for you to question him and see if you could find out his side of things.

His reactions when you contact him are also of concern. The response after you contacted him online was odd, saying he thought you'd never contact him but in reality, he never made the effort to contact you. He also never gives you a clear reason why he doesn't make an effort in the relationship and instead avoids talking about your feelings by claiming he is busy and that you have never given him a chance to speak or gather his thoughts. These responses sound like avoidance and that he is not taking responsibility for his own behavior towards you. Instead he is blaming you for wanting answers to his behavior. That is a sign that he is either avoiding owning up to why he left the relationship or that he feels his behavior should not be questioned.

At this point, you only acted based on his dysfunctional behavior around the relationship. He is the one refusing to give you answers, won't own up to not contacting you and continues to blame you for wanting answers. You got upset with him, which is a natural response to his frustrating behavior. There is nothing wrong with what you did and you are not an idiot for asking him for answers. At this point though, you may want to move on. He is showing all the signs of possibly having issues and if he is acting like this now, it's not going to improve if you try to make a go of the relationship. You deserve someone who respects your feelings and who will give you answers when asked.

I hope this has helped you,

MaryAnn

Customer: replied 2 months ago.
He replied sayingI enjoyed spending time with you and had the biggest connection with someone ive had since I became single. Like u I need to feel wanted and liked and sometines its nice not to be the one to always have to initiate. I was waiting for you to drop me a hi or something and then carry on where we left off. However, being honest with you im not ready or able to deal with someone acting towards me like u did with all those messages. I neer someone there me, not turn things and emotionally black mail me. Im really sorry but I dont think it is meant to be. Its a shame as I did like u, but deleting my num for nothing then sending me all them messages isnt what I am after.
I feel he is passing blame and using as excuse

It does seem like he is passing the blame. He sounds like he is playing games with you and when you become upset by what he is doing, he turns it on you and blames you for your reaction. As I mentioned, these behaviors seem like red flags that he may have deeper psychological issues, at least in relationships. This may be a good time to end the contact and move on to someone who treats you well.

MaryAn

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