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TherapistMaryAnn
TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5916
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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Ok so I was seeing a girl about 3 months. I’m 27 she’s 19. I

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Ok so I was seeing a girl about 3 months. I’m 27 she’s 19. I used to work with her and we got closed eventually I asked her out and we got on amazing. She left and moved away to uni but shd would come back to see me almost every week. She told me she didn’t want a relationship because of being hurt about a year ago. She doesn’t want to “let people in”. We got on great and now I’ve messed it up. She was really nervous to see me at the best of times and I thought this was because she didn’t like me sometimes but she really did. She text me once saying she loved me. I told her I did too but then I got confused we’d fall out over still stuff by texts over nothingZ she would never want to talk on the phone because she said she’d be too nervous. Eventually I got confused and scared and I shouted at her and then she were ok, but she dumped me by text. I tried over and over again and bet it all by text and acted really desperate. She said she will never see me the same way again. I’ve calmed down now I was really unwise. I know how this sounds when to you but she really liked me too. She’s so confusing. I haven’t saw her for a bout 6 weeks eventually I said I’d leave her alone and she kept coming back, so I tried to make things right again and scared her away. I’ve left it normally as friends now but she still knows how I feel about her. She thought I had slept with this girl and she seemed jealous. She comes back to work on Monday and I sit close to her. I know I have to leave her a lone and just be cool and chilled like I actually am and hope she comes back but I’ve been way to much for her. All I want for Christmas is this girl I do love her. Any advice you can give me will be welcome I just don’t know her mindset from not seeing her.

Hello, I'd like to help you with your problem.

It sounds like this girl is being very protective of herself, due to being hurt in the past. But it also seems like you are doing the same. You mentioned that you messed up because you were scared you would break up over nothing or that she did not like you. She also seems to pull away when anything about your behavior scares her. With the both of you being afraid of getting hurt, you each had defenses up and took the first opportunity to move away from the relationship in order to protect yourselves.

You did not mention if you talked about how you feltl with your girlfriend, but it's not too late. The one thing that does stand out in your relationship is that neither of you talked about your fears with each other. She did mention that she is afraid to let others in, but when she did feel scared by your behavior, she pulled away instead of talking to you. And you did not talk to her when you feared she did not like you. Communication is vital in any relationship to clear up misunderstandings and to connect with each other when someone, or both of you, feels hurt.

At this point, the two of you seem to be circling each other in a way. She knows you still have feelings for her and she is in your life enough to know the people around you. And you still have feelings for her, which she is aware of. You also mentioned that you are friends. What you might want to do is to talk to her and explain what you are feeling. Be kind and especially gentle with her. Tell her that you have fears yourself of being hurt and that you tend to push someone way when you are afraid. Tell her again that you are sorry about what happened between you. Then try making a connection with her again. Start slowly by asking her to go out for coffee during the day. Make attempts to spend time with her but very casually, as friends. Tread lightly with her, keeping the conversation on the surface for now but let her know she can ask you anything- then be honest with her when she does. As you relax with each other, try asking her for a date. As you move through this time, try to be open with her. You may risk being hurt, but you are hurt now, so weigh the risk with being alone and hurt rather than with her and possibly either being hurt, or having a great relationship.

If she won't see you for coffee or consider going out at all, try to keep your friendship going within the bounds she sets. She may be too scared now of getting hurt. The point is to build trust with her any way you can, even if that is in an office around co workers. Let her see you as being honest and caring. Your behavior will tell her all she needs to know, without even talking to each other.

I hope this helps you,

MaryAnn

May I please request that if you find the service I provided helpful at all that you rate me with three or above? Your rating is the only way I am reimbursed for my answer. Thank you so much!

Customer: replied 2 months ago.
That was actually really good advice. She will not talk to me on on our own the times she did that before was because she was sure and now she isn’t. She is only back for 4 weeks so I don’t feel I have a lot of time. I will be friendly with her at work but I can’t go over and keep talking to her I feel I need to leave her. The last time we spoke was by text and we got on well two way but I don’t know if she’s just being nice. She hasn’t text me at all this week and I don’t know if I should. I think I should just distance myself. It’s christmas in two weeks I was thinking about get her a bottle of wine from the place of our first date, but I don’t think she’ll even be alone with me outside of work to receive it. I’ve really messed up I wish I knew what I did now at the start. I feel so down I’ll be ok when she’s back I won’t let on how down I am I’ve sent her massive texts like an idiot explaining that to her which was a massive mistake. She thinks I’m weird now. I am a bit obsessed I think it helps me to talk about it it kills me that I’ll never chance to talk to her because I know I could sort it out and she does too I think that’s why she won’t do it. It’s a tricky one!!

If she is that distant from you right now, then you need to go with your gut and keep a distance. You are in the situation so you know how to approach her best. However, you may not want to give up hope yet. Send her a text once in a while just to say hello and see how she is doing. If you know her family, ask in general how they are and if everyone is okay. You may want to keep your Christmas gift to something simple, like a personal card that you pick out. Be distant but not so distant that she forgets you. But only do this if you want it to work. She needs time to see you in a different light.

MaryAnn

Hello,

I have not heard back from you. Please let me know if you have any further questions or need clarification. I'm happy to help.

Thank you,

MaryAnn

Customer: replied 2 months ago.
I do please. First day she came back to work. Not awkward at all got on really well, she was happy to see me looked really please got on really well.... I can always tell from the way she looks at me. End of the day I asked her for a drink she said she didn’t know she didn’t know and we didn’t. I text her later saying I was a bit confused. The weekend just gone she rang me out the blue and we spoke for an hour and we agreed to go out but then the weekend came and she said she didn’t know then she went out with her friends instead. I think it’s because I said to talk which instantly scares her. She hates talking about feelings and hates that kind of situation. Today back at work it was really awkward she didn’t wanna speak to me at all. I said she confused me and sometimes I didn’t know what to do, she said she feels a bit suffocated and she only wants to be friends with me at the minute. Why would she say at the minute? Then we talked normally. It’s really hard for me to be myself I feel really down and she picks up on this which she doesn’t like but I’m only human. We’re very different emotionally she never gives anything away. I don’t know what to do. If I can be myself it will be ok but me forcing it has set it back again I can’t keep making errors. I don’t know what to do should I text her outside of work she wouldn’t text me. I am chasing her. I said to her you know how I feel about you if you want to see me and see what happens let me know and she said it just makes me feel claustrophobic lol I feel really awkward. I’m so confused. Today is the first time I’ve fely I had no chance. I don’t know what to do!

It sounds like she is saying that for now, she wants to keep from talking about feelings and just wants to get to know you as friends. She says "at the minute" maybe because she may be thinking that the relationship will change, but for now, she is only comfortable with talking about general things and not being in a romantic relationship. There is no way to know for sure without being able to talk to her directly, but that is what it sounds like she is saying to you. Try to back off a little, keep the conversation friendly but not personal and allow her time to move closer to you. If you feel you cannot control your behavior, then it may take moving away and less contact so you don't slip into making a mistake. But the key is slow and steady here with her. As long as you can keep to what she is requesting, that will help move the relationship forward.

MaryAnn

I hope my answers have helped you. If you would, please rate your experience so far so I may be reimbursed for my assistance to you. You can also accept the premium offer if you wish to continue working together on your original question. Thank you.

Customer: replied 2 months ago.
Ive text her straight away today refers to me as mate. I just need to get over this girl I have no idea how to do that I dont know how. I just love looking at her. Im f**ked. She’s never gonna wanna talk about things, it’s too much for her I’ve been way too much. I need to be positive and be myself but I don’t even feel able to. I don’t know what to do. I’ve shown her how much I care. I’ve always tried and I just feel terrible about myself. I don’t want to feel like this.

Well, if you feel that you want to move on, then you may need to stop communicating with her and let yourself mourn over the loss. It may take a while, but you can overcome. If you feel you are struggling, counseling can help.

However, if you want to try, then you can follow what we have been talking about and try to keep your distance and be friendly until she is ready. Only you know what is best for you.

I'm sorry but I will be unavailable the rest of the evening. I hope my answers were helpful to you. If so, please consider leaving a positive rating. I am only reimbursed for my work if a rating is provided. Thank you.

MaryAnn

TherapistMaryAnn and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 months ago.
I don’t want to give up on this girl but she is so nervous and shy she won’t ever see me on her own which is what I’d need to do. We get on ok but she is really wary of me. I really want to ask her to do something I asked her last night and she said she would do sometime but I dno if she’s just being nice. I text her last night and said we don’t ever have to talk about the past and that I just wanted to be a friend to her and she said that makes her feel at ease and she feels better after seeing me for a few days. I’m out this weekend and I don’t know what she will say if I asked her to do something on a specific day next week. I think I need to be patient but it is hard. What do you think I should do she would definitely feel really nervous about seeing me but I’d need to change her option about me and forget the bad stuff. It’s hard for me because I couldn’t talk to her properly. Maybe in time I Can I don’t know what to do

I would like to continue to help you with this new question. But since this appears to be a new question, Just Answer prefers that you open a new question page for new questions. This ensures that you'll have an accurate customer ratio on the site, and it helps us to give the best possible answers to your questions as well as allowing the expert to be reimbursed for their work.

Thank you,

MaryAnn

Customer: replied 2 months ago.
It’s the same question. I need to leave her alone now. I am an idiot. We all went it drinking then I got drunk and asked her to talk and she just didn’t want to listen. She actually spoke to me about her ex and how much he damaged her and it explains why she is so protective. After that she just ignored me all night and I felt worthless because I’ve felt so down for so long. In the end I really snapped at her and said I’ll make the decision for you ive had enough and stormed off. She now says she has no respect for me as a person and she doesn’t want to talk to me or want me in my life. I explained how I have felt and why I reacted like that it was just a build up. I’m not a hotheaded person or aggressive in the slightest at all I just felt like an idiot. There’s 2 weeks until she goes back to uni. We sit in close proximity to her I’ve asked her to talk and she said she can’t be bothered and she will deal with an uncomfortable situation until then. I just need to leave her alone but it’s so shit now. I don’t even know why I am posting on here it’s gone now. I’m so stupid. Advice please

Hello, it's nice to hear from you.

At this point, you probably need to start a new question. However, if you do not want to, I will opt out and open up your question for other experts.

Thank you,

MaryAnn