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Clare, Family Solicitor
Category: Family Law
Satisfied Customers: 34903
Experience:  I have been a solicitor in High Street Practise since 1985 and have specialised in Family Law for the last 10 years
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My ex boyfriend has shown no interest in my son who was born

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My ex boyfriend has shown no interest in my son who was born last August. I gave my ex the opportunity to see our son many times but he always made excuses.

After eight months of non contact my ex has now got a mediator (his friend) to hound me via the phone requesting a mediation meeting. This mediator came to my door last Thursday and banged aggressively. I was too afraid to answer so the mediator angrily posted letters through my door.

My concerns are during our relationship I asked my ex to routinely get a HIV test (I always do this in a relationship). When I fell pregnant my ex informed me that he had HIV. He claimed he didn't know when he contracted it.

My ex refused to get treatment then went on a crusade to say I gave it to him. I was tested many times during my pregnancy and I don't have HIV.

Now my ex wants to see the baby after ignoring him for a year. He has no job ( he was made redundant from teaching) and he refuses treatment for HIV. He never wanted to talk about how he contracted HIV and he would never allow me to go to his appointments. I also suspect he knew he had HIV all along and deliberately tried to infect me. He also suffers from severe depression.

Please advise me what I should do. I don't think it's safe for him to be around his son.
Thank you for your question.
My name is Clare
I will do my best to help you but I need some further information first.
For clarity I assume that the friend is not in fact a qualified Mediator
In what way do you believe that your ex is a risk to your son?
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
I don't think the friend is a qualified mediator. I tried to look on this mediators website and I tried to call the number but the number was fake and the website was only set up yesterday.

When I became pregnant my ex said if the baby was a boy he would beat him to discipline him. He also said he would encourage our son to box with his cousin ( they're the same age) once they're older.

My ex refuses to get treatment for his HIV. My son is eight months and likes putting things into his mouth. For these reasons I don't think my son would be safe with him.

My partner refused to register my son with me and he demanded a DNA test when he was born. He's not on the birth certificate. He now wants PR and contact. How long will it be until he gets it?

My ex was regularly beaten as a child and his mum was violent towards him. I don't want my son in that environment. They also think it's ok to smoke infront of children.
The law says that a child is entitled to contact with both parents provided it can be arranged safely and the courts will enforce that
However the contact does have to be appropriate and safe for the child.
It is important that you show the court that you are willing to consider contact so i suggest that you contact a real Family Mediator ( to negotiate the issue.
If his "friend" contacts you again I suggest that you tell the police that the friend is harassing you.
With regard to the actual issue of contact your ex has to show that he is now ready to show some commitment to the child and that he understand that it will tae time to build a relationship AND that he is going to accept that physical abuse is not acceptable
You also need to try and keep as much control of the progress of contact as you can - which means making offers of contact which the court will see as reasonable even if your ex does not
You should therefor offer to start contact at a local Contact Centre ( r an hour a week
It is unlikely that he will be willing to make this commitment - but then you will be seen as being reasonable and he will be seen as the one who is not!
I hope that this is of assistance - please ask if you need further details
Clare and other Family Law Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Hi Claire,

Thanks for your advice. I am also considering reporting my ex to the police because I believe he knew he had HIV when we were in a relationship. I believe he knowingly tried to infect me. I also think he may be knowingly infecting others.

How will this affect my case if I report him. I don't want the courts to think I'm bitter or seeking revenge because I'm not.

Also if he's not willing to treat himself I'm
concerned about the safety of my child if he has contact. When the baby was born the doctor said it was unsafe to leave my ex with the baby if he refused to get treatment for his HIV. His viral load was put of control.
Since he has not given you HIV it is unlikely that the police will take action
I appreciate your concerns - this is another good reason for offering Contact at a Contact Centre
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

If I refuse the DNA test even when I have a court order what will happen? My ex is the father and I know the DNA test will prove that. Does that mean he can put his name on the birth certificate?

Will his name on the certificate give him PR. I'm afraid because I know ha does not have my son's best interests at heart.

I am afraid that if you refuse the DNA the Court will assume that he is the father and make the Order accordingly and he will be able to add the name to the Birth Certificate although this will not give him PR.
To get a Parental Responsibility Order he will have to show commitment to and involvement with the child - so until contact has been established successfully this will not happen
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Hi Claire, I have taken your advice and am meeting with a trained mediator in a couple of weeks as listed on your previous reply. However, I would like to know how long can the whole process be potentially delayed for?
I plan to follow the directive of the mediation process, but would not want my ex to see my child unless it's in a controlled situation and that my GP can liaise with his GP to ascertain that he is on antiretroviral treatment and his HIV is non detectable thus ensuring that he cannot infect my child. When my son was delivered he informed my maternity team and my paediatrician informed me that he cannot be in contact with my son unless he is on combination therapy. I'm guessing this is because she knows of cases of children that have been infected after birth.
Also, he was suicidal last year and said that he wanted to top himself. He received counselling for this but refused antidepressants. Could this affect his access?
Finally, how long could the whole process take? I would prefer for it to take as long as possible, preferably when my son can talk to ensure that he can relay how he has been treated as I know that he will be hearing racist comments and his dad will smoke around him as well as his willingness to use violence against him.
Thank you Claire
I am sorry but the most time it will take is a few months - between four and seven
The Depression is not likely to effect matters - and a letter from his Doctor confirming that he is on medication is likely to be sufficient