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ukfamilysolicitor, Family Solicitor
Category: Family Law
Satisfied Customers: 1442
Experience:  Divorce, Finances, Children, Domestic Violence, Care Proceedings
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I need help with coming up with a good reason to my 2 children

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I need help with coming up with a good reason to my 2 children where I was an absent parent for 8 years.
I was mentally tortured by my husband, who was having an affair with another woman and then married her. I put up with this for 5 years, we were married for 7 years.
We had 2 children, at the time I was no longer able to cope and left my 2 weeks old baby boy and 2 and half years old daughter. I went through the divorce in 2008, where I did not have any contact with my Ex or my children. It has been 8 years where I did not contact. Recently I made contact with my ex. My daughter is 10 years old and son is 8 years old.
He let me see the children as long as I said I was a family friend. They have only seen me once, and my ex basically only wants me to have little contact with them. However I want my children to know me as my mother. So my ex has said I need to tell my children myself where I have been for 8 years. I need to think of a good reasons to tell my children, without hurting them, can you help please?
Hello Welcome to Just Answer I am a Solicitor and will try and assist you. I am so sorry to hear about what has happened. Please may I ask - has your ex agreed when you can next see your children? Kind Regards Caroline
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
At the moment he hasn't fully agreed, but it could be this Saturday. Where he has asked me to visit his family home, although I don't feel comfortable with that, as he has other family members living with him. The place we meet and time has yet to be decided. I also needed to let you know when I went through the divorce I gave him permission to take the children aboard, so he took the children and married a 3rd time and lived in Kuwait for a few years. Once I gave him this permission he agreed to give me the Islamic divorce. I really need some good reasons I can explain to the children why I did not contact them for 8 years. I feel stronger now, and heeled and that's why I made the contact to my ex.
Hello Thank you for your response. The best policy really is honesty. You need to be child focused. Do the children know that your ex's partner isnt their birth mother? Kind Regards Caroline
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I believe my 10 year daughter knows her step mother but my 8 year old son thinks she is his mother.
So how do I deal with this in a child focused way?
My ex never mentioned anything about me to the children. So naturally this will be a huge shock when they do find out I am their mother, so I need to know how to deal with the sensitively.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Also aren't the children too young to understand these marital problems and the implications?
Hello This will be a big shock to them but it is something that they do need to know. At their ages - they will need some detail but not overly too much. The biggest thing that they are going to need to know right now is that you are committed to them and that you intend to be there for them. You should stick to the truth but simplified so that they will understand - such as mummy and daddy separated when you were young. You lived with daddy in another country for some time. You should emphasis that you love them both. Your children are bound to need to have time to adjust to the new family for them. You should take things at their pace. Talk about your children - their interests, hobbies, schools, friends. You could also talk about your wider family and how they love them and would like to know - but this is for later - you need to concentrate on you can the children first and your relationship with them. Things wont be 'rosey' overnight - but once the children settle and know that you are committed to them - your relationship with them should flourish. I hope that this helps you. Please do not hesitate to ask if I can assist you further. Kind Regards Caroline If you have found this service useful - please kindly remember to star rate our service so that we receive credit for helping you.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
thanks for that, but can you tell me a way how I can explain the fact I didn't have any contact with them for 8 years due to my pain, to my children?
Hello They are probably too young at their ages to understand the emotional difficulties that you have had. They may only serve to confuse them further. Perhaps stick to the facts that you separated with their father. You really need to concentrate on how you are hear for them now. If the father was to refuse contact - then you would have to apply to the courts to spend time with your children. The courts would consider that your children should know about you but not necessarily agree that it is best that your children see you straight away. The courts would likely order that you write to your children first - enclose a photograph and describe who you are. The correspondence would be simple - asking about them and telling them about you. This is considered child focus. Your children do not need all the detail about what happened. I tell you this because you appear to have a good opportunity with the father allowing you to see your children to progress things more quicker - that being said it still needs to be at your childrens pace. I dont recommend that you swamp your children with adult matters. Just let them know who you are and then concentrate on them. Kind Regards Caroline
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thanks for this. The issue is my ex is saying that he never mentioned me at all to the children, what can we say about this to the children to help them understand how I have suddenly come back into their lives?
Hello Its not an easy task for you by any means. If your ex hasnt mentioned you then it is going to suprise them. Its probably best to keep this simple - mummy went away after separating from daddy - but she has always loved yoou and thought of you. then concentrate on them - what they have been up to etc - you have so much to catch up on. I would concentrate on the positives and the chance you have to be part of their lives now and be there for them. Kind Regards Caroline
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thank you. Can you also let me know how I refer the step mother to my children.
As my ex married a 3rd time, his wife has looked after both my children for about 5 years or so. So my son who is 8years old thinks of her as his mother, I believe my 10 year old daughter knows she is not her real mother.
So when I tell the children I am their birth mother, how to do talk about the step mother? Basically avoid the confusion.Thanks
Hello In way you have answered your own question. You will always be your children's birth mother and nothing will ever change that. Step parents arent uncommon and the word 'step' is quite widely accepted. Kind Regards ***** ***** kindly remember to star rate our service so that we receive credit for helping you today. Your question remains open when you leave positive feedback and I can answer your follow up questions for free as matters progress.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I just don't want to hurt anyone.
This is roughly what I will tell my children in front of my ex and his wife:Mummy and Daddy separated, mummy moved away and changed her number as I had personal problems which was nothing to with you kids. I am your birth mother.
As I always loved both you children every second, minute, hour of the day every day.
Your daddy took you to Kuwait you lived there for a few years. unfortunately we never had any contact.
I contacted your daddy recently and now I am here to be there for you both forever, I will never leave you because I love you both so much, I am much more stronger and will see and call you regularly.
Then go on to find out about the kids, what they like, schooling etc.I would talk along these lines, does this sound okay?
My only concern is the question my kids may ask the large gap of 8 years why I never contacted them earlier?
Your not straying from the truth - which doesnt make things difficult for you later. Its simplistic and child friendly. Its important that they all know that you are not trying to unsettle their place with their father but that you are there for them also. fingers crossed for you x
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