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Ask Clare Your Own Question
Clare, Solicitor
Category: Law
Satisfied Customers: 34898
Experience:  I have been a solicitor in High Street Practice since 1985 with a wide general experience.
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Ex husband Contact and behavour with children

Customer Question

hi, Here are the Facts : My Ex husband and i have been apart for almost 3 years, divorced for 1 year. I had to do the divorce all myself because he wasn't interested. It was a nightmare. almost 2 years ago i met my new partner and we have a baby. My ex has always played physiological games with me and we loosely had an arrangement that he could see them every Saturday 10 - 5. I think ive always been slightly afraid of him, but no physical abuse. I believe he has some mental health issues and throughout our 10 year marriage i have asked him to get some help. Since meeting my new partner he became worse and i would get shouting phone calls etc . Cutting a long story short , he has been saying negative things to the two girls 13 and 10 when he has seen them and arguing with me when he brings them home ( in front of them) he often brings them back hours earlier than agreed. Recently we involved the police when he raged on the phone and said he was bringing the kids back right now and shouting personal abuse and some more harassment ( i could hear the kids crying in background)! the police advised me to text him i wish no more contact in any form , unless really important regarding children and seek some legal advice ,since then he has been using the kids mobiles as a Psychological tool, telling them he has things planned for them next week , without seeking any kind of permission from me. Today on one of the kids birthday he phoned her and said he will pop round at 10 with presents ( still no contact with me) and the kids met him up in our parking area, no gifts just wanted to take them away for a few hours, plans have been made , cake cooked etc. I said no , this is because he knows what and how this should be done but is a control freak and wants to ride rough shod over or normal procedure. The children cried and created and i was emotionally drained, he sowed a seed knowing i would look bad when it came to it. I do not want him seeing the kids, can i just tell him that and for him to get a solicitor ? Miluse ps The children live with me as per the divorce.


Ive always allowed him to see the children , regardless of the divorce details and never wanted them to not have contact , but under these conditions i feel for the childrens sake not to allow it. I believe he does not want me  , my partner to move on happily as a unit. My oldest 13 understands more and would rather not see him, my 10 year old is too young i think. I feel for my children when they are with him , he is unpredictable.

Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Law
Expert:  Clare replied 3 years ago.
Thank you for your question.
My name is Clare
I will do my best to help you but I need some further information first.
What contact are you actually willing to offer?
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Hi, im still willing to offer the same on the basis that he has dealt with any issues he has with his anger and the inappropriate comments in front of and toward the children and the Games he plays. He knows all of this in the conversations we have had on the phone but just laughs it off. I think that only a court can deal with him Miluse

Expert:  Clare replied 3 years ago.
I suspect that you are right!
The law says that a child is entitled to contact with both parents - but also expects that there should be a clear pattern of contact which is kept to - and that contact is not arranged directly with the children (unless they are of the age where it is easier - say 15 or so!)
You should offer to negotiate a regular pattern of contact with him using Family mediation ( and a mediator also trained to work with young people so that your children's views can be shared
If that fails then simply tell him that in future the contact will be 10 til 5 on a Saturday, that if he is more than half an hour late then it will only go ahead if no new arrangements have been made and there will be no other contact - and that if he does not like it then he can apply to the courts - who will see your offer as reasonable
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Please ask if you need further assistance
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

hi, thanks Clare , just one more thing,


Will Mediation deal with the topic of contact only, because i know my ex wont ask for anymore contact other than what ive discussed with you, but what he will try and do is control the situation and bring up other things like CSA etc ( Of which he believes he shouldn't pay ...the government should or we have all the lights and heating on anyway so he shouldn't have to pay for the kids....i quote! )

He sees things as winning or losing , and he wont be told what to do, he will try and charm the mediator into believing HE is the victim.


But contact and his refusal to play by any kind of rules is one half of it, what about his negative and aggresive attitude ( that has involved reporting to police )he allows the children to be party of towards me? How can that be stopped? kind regards Miluse

Expert:  Clare replied 3 years ago.
He can try and bring the other matters up - but they are not relevant
His negative and aggressive attitude is unlikely to change - so you need to set the ground rules and make them non negotiable (I appreciate that this is easier to say then do)