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Clare, Solicitor
Category: Law
Satisfied Customers: 35056
Experience:  I have been a solicitor in High Street Practice since 1985 with a wide general experience.
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We have a court order that places a burden on my son and he

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We have a court order that places a burden on my son and he knows now he may not see his dad for some years. he is so emotionally distress and on the verge of breakdown at times. He has had a number of unexplanable illnesses and having to be admitted. I am worried about deep emotional damage to him before he gets stronger. he is brave and tries to show strength at school and externally.

He has to ask his dad, when he is able to, to see him due to domestic and psychological abuse if alone with him. He knows his dad will not comply to this because he is of the opinion he should see him as he wishes and alone. Can I change the order to a set of specific orders ( or can you recommend) that will allow my son to see him eg , in medical emmergency and ssome critical medical appointments; specific music and sporting events; birthdays invitation; even short holidays when he could have some family experience?
Thank you for your question.
My name is XXXXX XXXXX
I will do my best to help you but I need some further information first.
Could you explain a little more about the background to this please
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Thank you. A contact order was made in the family court in september last year stating his dad to see him on Mondays and Thursdays from 6.30 to 8.30pm and on Saturdays and Sundays, engaging with our son's sport and music activities which are mainly at weekends. He would not obey the court order despite the contact order being made according to his request, except that he could not be with our son alone. He sees this as a challenge to his authority and control over his son and his right as a father. He also sees this as a result of conflict between me and him, as I got stronger I would not allow him to operate as he wished because this was troublesome. he believes my son would do what I say and i should force him to see him alone. Our son is a very intelligent 14 year old and does not wish to see his dad alone.


Following his attempts to force him to come with him alone from school, which my son found distressing and was always worried, I applied for a prohibtion step order. The contact order was changed. My son have to ask when and how he wants to see his dad alone when he feels he can, and his dad can contact him by email once a week. A No order order was given with no order principle with respect to the prohibitive step order, because his dad promised in court not to go to the school and cause him anymore problems and the court sees this to be in best interest of our son. In the conclusion of the court's findings, it asked us to work together to present a united front to enable reasonable contact and prevent risk of emotional harm. It is a mess because he has managed to fool the court and got what he wanted in a clever way.


Our family eventually broke down after long years of physical and emotional abuse towards me and my son. He was particularly hostile to me in all matters relating to our son's needs for education and pursuing his interests in sports and music. We lived like prisoners under his control. I do not have to influence my son. it was his decision not to see him alone.

His dad made the application for contact because he was under pressure from his family to prove his innocience and that his son is not at risk with him alone. He is not interested in seeing my son.He is now angry with him thta he spoke out to caffcas and spoilt his reputation. The order as it satands means he gets what he wants regardless how it effects our son. He has threatened to go back to school as he believes the step order was thrown out. He is not thinking of whats best for our son, but only whats best for himself.


My son wants to see him but not alone. He knows his dad would not respond positively.


His dad is an extremely difficult person, dictatorial and very controlling. He believes no one tells him what to do. he belives that the court cannot do anything breaching the order in place.


Hope this backgroud help. The situation is complicated because we are dealing with someone very complicated. His dad will only do what he has to do. Can specific orders help and which ones under this situation?



For clarity - are you asking if an Order can be made forcing your ex to have contact with your son in your presence?
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

There are circumstances that I will innevitably be present, eg last 3 medical emergency situations when he was admitted into the hospital. Last week, my son later made a statement just before he was discharged after 3 days in hospital this time, that if his dad knew he had been admitted via A&E he would come no matter what. I made no comment. He then asked me if i told his dad. I had to tell him that I did. I contacted him immediately via telephone, text message and everyday he was in hospital He made no response. I phoned him at his work and his secretary went to tell him it was an emergency so he would not claim that I lied about contact. he sent me a text to say he would phone as it is convinient for him to do so. he never did. When we go home I emailed him and complained his attitude in such circumstance is hurtful for our son. he replied that he does not have to do anything in such circumstance

I have threatened him with application to the court that 1) he responds to medical emmergency as he only lives some 3 miles away from us. I also told him that I would like him to attend critical madical appoitments as our son has a medical condition managed by the hospital and attends hospital every 5 to 6 weeks. I also asked that he contributes to the cost of hospital runs which is far from our home (~ 30 miles) He has indicated that he'd be will to do these but will not make any financial contribution.


Also, my son is active with sport and music, he is good at these and involved with a number of high level events. They have been good focus for him which has helped him alot with his situations.

He would like to see his dad able to attend and be proud of him, but he knows he'd say no because I'd be present.


His dad and I have disagreement mainly because I would not go along with him to mistreat our son to satisfy his sense of power and control. son knows this well and hence his insistence not to see him alone.


Also he would like some time with both of us.


Yet his dad insistsin showing up at school for school events as he wishes, the current order should prevent him doing this and the school is prepared to act accordingly. My son does not want any embarrasment at school.


These are some of the reasons I was trying to see what can be reasonably achieved by way of specifc orders of element of contact.


Please advise


I am so very sorry but there are NO Orders that can be made that will force your ex to have contact in any circumstances.
Your options are either to allow him to go and not go yourself, or for your son to accept that his father will not be coming.
I am sorry - I know that this is not what you want - but sadly this is the legal position as it stands
Please ask if you need further details
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Thank you. It's too sad and i feel hopeless not being able to help my son further. I'll seek for him counselling seem to be the option left. Please can you advise on the following below? They are part of issues of needs and support for him I need to address but kept separate from contact issues.


Can I apply for a financial order for his dad to contribute to cost resulting from regular hospital trips; sporting and music, including events etc as top up to CSA. He has now agreed to pay via csa.


His initial view was if he doesn't see our son alone he would not have to pay for anything! he has not relaised that CSA could force him to pay and I had not realised that too. CSA told me I coud apply to court for other payments.


He has also indicated that he would pay my son's school fees and has paid some. he would not pay for his school trips or anything else. Can I have a school fees order etc to ensure he'd continue to pay until my son finishes his secondary education? Also, can I ask him to contribute to summer holiday cover and holidays costs. He is not a poor man at all as he earns 6figure salary but very mean to us. I don't want my son to be badly affected in all areas.



How much does your ex earn?
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

He earns in excess of £80K as basic salary and take director's bonus of ~£40k the last time last year! In the years before left ( left in july 2011 following serious domestic assult on us) i had a chance to find out his salary pay slip and bonuses & statments and discovered he had been earning this much since 2001 and photocopied these. He made us live on my salary as the family expenses account. We lived well as I earned well myself but became ill due to his ill treatment of me. He believed my salary will be sufficient if i took my son out of his school where he is very happy and doing extremely well; and stopped his music and sporting activites. I have been able to sustain my son's needs but it is becoming quite difficult, as I have to reduce my professional ambition to cope physically with my son's needs. I was not allowed to ask or know his earnings as part of his controlling.



You can make an application for help with the School Fees using Schedule 1 of the Children Act
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Thank you for this. He told me that CSA is suppose to cover for everything. what about school trips for example the clas are going on a geography field trip to Japan, they have for languages and art. He has selected these subjects for his igcse. of each can range from £500 to £2000. his music study also cost significantly as he plays 3 insturments at very high standard so young with international awards for composition and study in specialist music school at weekends. His dads attitude towards him is crazy and appeared to be jealous asking me to withdraw him if i can't cope. It's important my son can continue to florish his talent perticularly in his case. Can I ask for his contributions to these too?

He is correct that payment is meant to cover all the ongoing expenses - but you may be able to get the School fees paid in the circumstances
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