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Clare, Solicitor
Category: Law
Satisfied Customers: 34896
Experience:  I have been a solicitor in High Street Practice since 1985 with a wide general experience.
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Hi, I do not know where to start, my ex-husband has been abusive

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Hi, I do not know where to start, my ex-husband has been abusive in many ways over the years but I never called the police as he never went to physically harm me, even though there was pushing, shouting, threats, spitting in my face and simliar...
He is currently again in London and we are staying for a while in the same house, which we are trying to sell, but it is not happening...He is here only for a week to see our younger son, as of January this year he has been living in Belgrade, Serbia with our elder son. We divorced a year ago but financial matters still unresolved.
He is now threatening that he is coming back to live here and that he will kick me out, he is manipulating, especially our younger son against me, saying that he will take the house and the kids and throw me out. He has a history of alcohol abuse and depression, drink driving etc. I am considering going for a restraining order. Where do I start? Do i need to call the police on a particular occassion for this to happen?
I cannot live like this in fear and under constant abuse and threats. In many texts and eamails as well he threatened that he would kill me, or somtimes that he would kill me and the children. I do not think he is capable of that, but I just don't want to continue like this. I need to protect myself and my children. Please advise! Thank you so much! Jelena
Thank you for your question.
My name is Clare
I will do my best to help you but I need some further information first.
How old are the children?
Was a Consent Order actually sealed by the court?
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Yes the Consent order was sealed by the court. It was a very unfaourable agreement (for me) as I just wanted to get eveything resolved as soon as possible.

Our sons are 12 (Alek) who has been living with me since August 2013 and 18 (Luka) who moved to live with grandparents in Serbia as the situation at home has been unbearable. He had several episodes of physical fights with his father, but also attacking me and his younger brother. Since he has not been aggressive but unfortunately has been depressed and is on medication now for a while. HIs father moved to Belgrade in January this year to stay with him.

However my most urgent question is how to protect myself against ex-husband's aggression, abuse and threats. Just after writing to you, tonight, he slammed the door in my face and hit me across the arm and shoulder. Usually there is no one else in the room at such moments. It is difficult to describe the scope of his abuse and aggression and it goes a lot further than this. Can I get a restraining order? Or is there something preceeding it, like a formal warning? he needs to understnad that he will be stopped otehrwise this is going to escalate event furhter. He is leaving for Serbia on Tuesday but is planning to come back in January and work and stay and there is no way we can survive in the same house.

I look forward to your advice

What does the Order say about who can live in the house?
Customer: replied 3 years ago.


Initially we agreed that he buys me out of the house, that failed because he could not re-mortgage and also I realised how bad a deal it was for me as I agreed on (the random sum that he dictated) of £348,000 to be paid to me and I'd transfer the deeds to him, The house is worth in excess of £1.1 million now and I as the prices were soaring I realised that it was not a fair deal and that I could not buy anything suitable for me and my younger son, let alone my elder son too, who I hope will be living with me at some point.

This consent order is not viable at all any more as my ex-husband has not been working for the last 11 months and therefore cannot re-mortgage, we agreed in June to sell the house.

I moved back to the house in August with my younger son after renting in Surrey for a year where my boy played tennis at Sutton Tennis Academy.

I looked at consent order again and it does not say specifically who can live in the house, it just says that I shall transfer the deeds to him once he pays me the entire amount which he was going to pay me over 1 year

In any case we need a new consent order

Have you EVER reported his behaviour to the police?
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Hi Clare

No I have not. But there is a history of violence between ex-husband and Luka, my elder son, so there were at least two occasions when police and ambulance were involved about 3-4 years ago.

Also there were other occurrences when he was arguing with Luka and Luka jumped out of the window on to the hedge, luckily he was not hurt, and another occasion when Luka, in a fight with father, punched the glass panel in the door and had his hand and arm cut open (It was a 4 hours plastic surgery operation, his nerve remains damaged), these episodes were never reported. And I never reported his many attacks on me, which were plain abuse even though they did not amount to full blown beating up

Just last night he fought with his 12 year old son (I was out) and Alek has a little scratch on his face from that. However he would never testify against his father. Actually under his father's influence he is now saying how he hates me, that he wants to live with his dad and that loves him more than me etc etc....

One final thing - as my ex-husband is not a reasonable and sane person, I do not think we will reach a peaceful agreement. I tried and tried for years. I tried avoiding going to the court, but more and more this seems the only option.

I will go to the police tomorrow to talk to them and at least make them aware of what is happening and see what they say

The next time that your ex is violent to you or your son you need to call the police so that you have evidence of the assault
You can then apply for a non molestation order and an Occupation Order excluding your ex from the house.
You can get support from Womens Aid your ex will not agree to vary the Consent Order then you will not be able to do so - so you should try and discuss this with your ex using Family mediation
I hope that this is of assistance - please ask if you need further details
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Thank you Clare! I just wanted to ask what the procedure and the cost would be if I went to court - I don't think he will agree to anything with or without mediation because he is not a rational, sane person.

I had been told that the costs will run into tens of thousands of pounds and that I will need at least 2 solicitors if I wanted court representation.

Would I need to pay all the legal fees or is there a possibility that he pays my legal fees or part of? As a single mother without full time employment am I entitled to any kind of help?

Thanks so much,


Are you talking about the costs of a Non molestation application?
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Yes that, but possibly going to the court to get the resources divided properly. I believe I am entitled to at least 50% of everything (sale of the house, sale of the flat in France) even more if children live with me. However he is saying that the boys will live with him and he will take the house and throw me out basically. He threatens a lot these days and I am worried that if he does come back in January to work, he will want to live in the house, and there is no way we can be under the same roof...

When should he have paid you your money?
Why is the property not already on the market?
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

He has not paid because he could not re-mortgage and then we changed the whole thing and decided to sell the house - it's been ot he market since June, no offers yet. However I am worried that he will not agree on a fair 50-50% split and he wants to take into account some of my debts against the house, but not his own. He knows he has the power over the sale of the house because if do not agree the house won't sell, or if it does sell, the money will be with the solicitor until we agree how to split the money. That's when I am worried that I may have to apply for another consent order through court (contested) and am wondering about the costs of that....

How much was the house valued at in the paperwork supporting the Consent Order?
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

We had a valuation for £950,000 at the time (April 2013) but the Consent order does not mention the value of the house at all. As I said the amount he was going to pay me was £348,000 which was fixed by him. I accepted anything, just to stop the byllying and threats and finally dissolve all financial links with him. My solicitor told me at the time that this was not favourable for me but he bullied me into it. I actually paid twice for the Consent order because he changed his mind on what we had agreed

Now the house is valued at £1,149,000 and we are hoping to sell it for £1,130,000 ideally or a minimum of £1.1 million.

The problem is that he took the money from the extended mortgage borrowing facility to start paying me off (which was not the way we agreed) and then also took additional £50,000 and bought shares which have since plummeted. So the facility is maxed out and we pay a lot of interest on it. he has not been working for the last 11 months and I have been in part time employment which brings me variable income every month which is below tax threshold. So I had started using the credit card to survive and am doing short lets in the house in order to generate some income - but still do not make enough to even pay the mortgage and bills every month, let alone to support my younger son and myself in a city as expensive as London.

My ex-husband lives in Belgrade with our son, at his parents place, who pay for everything, and he stll spends every month £1000-£2000 on his credit card which has no jeopardised our joint account which has been maxed out too.

So the situation is getting close to desperate, the house is not selling and he is not helping to sell it, actually he is bheaving more like he is blocking it, and is pushing us closer to financial demise....

Sorry for the lengthy explanation, but it is a complicated situation. He resents the fact that I am keeping the money he started paying me for the house which I am saving for the deposit for the flat, which I have to buy for me and my son, but as it turns out, it is very difficult for me to get a mortgage....

Let me know your thoughts

I am sorry but if the property is sold you will only be entitled to the amount stated in the Court Order
You can certainly go to court to force the sale of the property at a reasonable price
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