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Clare, Solicitor
Category: Law
Satisfied Customers: 35044
Experience:  I have been a solicitor in High Street Practice since 1985 with a wide general experience.
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Social services are actively encouraging my mum to do what

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Social services are actively encouraging my mum to do what she wants whether it is good for her health or not, saying she has capacity although her memory is dreadful and self awareness nil, whether or not it then puts excessive stress and hours of extra work on me, her carer, to re orientate her. I am disabled and I now feel that I really don't matter in anything even tho its my partner who built mum's accommodation and us who have looked after her the last 4 years. I feel like they can make decisions and I am not allowed to object whether or not I can physically cope with the outcome. Have I no rights at all? I have LPA for health and finance but they say her memory does not affect capacity so I can do nothing to stop her making herself ill if that's what she wants? Thank you Jill

Thank you for your question

My name is Clare

I shall do my best to help you but I need some further informtaion first

Does her doctor/consultant agree?

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
The gp assessed mum as having capacity back in October. She does to an extent but does not have enough reasoning to be aware of risk to herself.
She has no tablets or health problems at all but only because I manage her very well so she does not get water infections etc. Her balance is bad and she needs frame to walk. J

What is she doing that is worrying you?

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
When mum and dad came to live near me Dec 11 it was because mum was very poorly. Dad told me my sister had been hounding my mum for money to set up a business and the stress made mum ill. I knew nothing of this til then.
Dad, from the point I found them a cute cottage a mile away, was filtering my sister out and only let her visit occasionally.
A year ago dad was diagnosed terminally ill with weeks only left. My partner finished converting the barn on the same day and my parents moved in 4 July. He did not want Sara to visit. He said it had been a mistake adopting her and he regretted not doing more to stop my being injured by her. They simply didn't believe she was doing such cruel stuff. I was hospitalised a few times after being attacked by her. She's 5 years older.
Dad died in my arms in his own bed having been nursed by me only on 27 July aged 93.
Because mum has no memory of all that has gone on she wants to see Sara. I agreed to a stay over at Sara's nor one night and she's kept mum a week. When mum come home her walking was dangerous, she couldn't get back into her routine for nearly a fortnight and was severely constipated. She had no idea she had stayed longer than one night. We tried to telephone but my sister refused to answer.
To have had mum so compromised involved a lot of extra time and stress at night as well as day. I was struggling with terrible pain and my partner was bedridden with a heart infection.
Social workers went to assess mum was OK. Which she wasn't but they are not aware like I am. I had to cope with two nights of complete incontinence which upset mum too.
Basically I've been told that all of that doesn't matter. Mum can make her own mind up what she wants to do. I said not at the expense of my health and my family stress trying to put it right. I am not a service user and so don't count.
I'm at the point where I really feel unsupported when my sister kicks off at me, when we have got something else arranged when it's convenient to her to have mum. She cannot provide what we have for our parents. She's not interested in taking over any care and just sticks mum in the wheelchair all the time. Mum needs to walk to keep all her insides going as well. But Sara has no patience. Therefore we don't want mum away so long that it sets her back. Social services say I have no say in the matter if mum wants to do it, regardless if that massively impacts on my health.
Sorry it a bit long winded.

Do you wish to stop caring for your mother?

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
No I want to carry on. But this thing that whatever makes mum happy regardless of whether it is the right thing for her health is more that I can deal with. Mum is the only one of her friends who has the facilities we have given her but in doing that we are under stress. This arguing about what is best for mum is taking the last vestige of strength out of me. I must have some rights for my own health.

has your mother signed a Power of Attorney?

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I am the sole attorney for both health and welfare and finances. I tried to use that to get mum back but because social services said she could decide for herself to stay it couldn't be used and OPG could do nothing either. Having mum out of her routine and familiar surroundings for longer than 2 days is bad for her. Nobody seems to be listening to me.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Is there any other information you need from me?

My apologies - I had not received your earlier response.

Have you spoken to the GP - will they support you?

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
They couldn't help when mum wasn't being returned but were sympathetic. There are emergency appointments only just now.
When I've done such a lot for the parents, more than most, why can social services make decisions for mum which completely stress me out and make me ill? I'm on full disability as it is. That tells any body I'm pretty unwell. So why should the person I have done everything for, and my sister who does nothing except buy cake and flowers, with mum's money, be empowered to piss all over me. Why have I no personal rights at all to say what mum can and cannot do for her and our ease of living? Or have I and I don't know what they are? Sorry just so stressed out by it all. It isn't fair on the one person who should be being respected and thanked. I just get grilled for caring. Jill
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Is there any further information you need?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Is there a problem with this? It's been nearly a fortnight and I am no further forward and £50 poorer! Thanks, Jill
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I really need to know what my individual rights are in this. I have another stay to negotiate and am stressed to the eyeballs. Thanks Jill

I am sorry - I am not sure why this question fell off my list but your last query seems to have brought it back.

I am sorry but your options are very limited in this.

Your ultimate argument/threat is one I suspect that you will not make - that unless things are changed to support your needs (which are reasonable) then you will no longer be able to care for your mother

This is the only argument that will be listened to I am afraid

Unless the GP will agree and confirm in writing that it is not good for your mother to be away for more than two days then I fear that the situation will not change and until your mother is held to lack capacity Social Services will continue to say that she may do what she pleases.

On a practical level you could attempt to reason with your sister or - again if you feel that you can do this - simply tell her that if she does not return your mother on the agreed day then you assume she will keep her for longer so that you can have a rest.

I am sorry I know I have no good news for you - and I am awed by the way that you have cared for your mother - but sadly whilst she is still deemed to have mental capacity and your sister remains unreasonable there is no way through

Please ask if you need more details

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thank you Clare. I think I sort of knew that but just being told I'm actually not being unreasonable helps. Mum was 92 yesterday and is sitting in a florist shop now! I have hinted to social services that I won't be able to continue with the arrangement if I'm continually faced with unreasonable demands. They should all be grateful for my doing this. My sister may actually get some inheritance as a result and I'm saving the state a fortune. It's a bit unfair really and my dad will be spinning up on his cloud with all this. But thank you anyway. Regards Jill

You are very welcome - and you are correct it is very unfair

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