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Ask Dr. D. Love Your Own Question
Dr. D. Love
Dr. D. Love, Doctor
Category: Medical
Satisfied Customers: 19453
Experience:  Family Physician for 10 years; Hospital Medical Director for 10 years.
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I am causing a rift in our relationship because I am attracted

Customer Question

I am causing a rift in our relationship because I am attracted to my wife so much that I want to have sex with her, in her opinion, too often. She finds this unattractive and turns me down which leads to a vicious circle of arguments. Is there something I can do please?
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Medical
Expert:  Dr. D. Love replied 4 years ago.
Thank you for using JustAnswer. I will be glad to assist you today.
It will help if you could provide some further information:
How long have you been married?
Has this always been an issue? Or has this only recently become an issue?
Does she say how often she would consider an appropriate frequency for intercourse?

Customer: replied 4 years ago.

We have been married for four months, together for three years.

This has always been an issue.

Her appropriate frequency for intercourse is "when it feels right" - I guess around once per week or so. It is entirely my issue though, not hers, as when we do have intercourse it is perfect. It is just my physical response to seeing, kissing or touching her that creates a need in me.

Expert:  Dr. D. Love replied 4 years ago.
No, this is usually not just your issue. As long as sexual relationships involve two people, any issues related to the frequency of intercourse is an issue for the couple. This is a common issue for many couples. There are multiple studies that show that men think about sex far more often than women, on average. The desired frequency for sex also will frequently vary and sometimes vary significantly between couples. How each couple addresses the different desires and expectations regarding the sexual relationship is one of the cornerstones of the foundation of the relationship. Therefore, this should not be thought of as either your issue (for wanting sex more often) or her issue (for wanting sex less often). This is an issue for the couple to resolve.

There are several approaches to consider to resolve this issue. The first approach is to simply discuss this issue (and any other issues related to the sexual relationship). The discussion should allow each person to express what they would prefer in the sexual relationship, which can then be used as a basis for determining what will actually be done.

Most couples are able to reach a level of agreement regarding their sexual relationship with an open discussion. However, there are some couples that have a greater difficulty in reaching that agreement, and these couples will typically do better if these issues are addressed in the context of couples counselling.

There is one special situation in which this may truly be your issue, which is if there is a difficulty on your part to control your sexual urges. This is more than what you have described as finding your wife so attractive that you want to have frequent intercourse. This will usually mean that you are having difficulty in suppressing the desire to have sex, and if not met by your spouse, to look for gratification elsewhere. From the description that you provide, it does not sound like you are having this level of issue. If you are thinking that you are having this level of issue, then the usual approach would be to undergo individual counselling. Couples counselling may also ultimately be helpful, but individual counselling is usually started first.

If you have any further questions or need clarification, please let me know.

Customer: replied 4 years ago.

I do not look for gratification in other areas, I am just focused on my wife. Is there any medication I can take to control my urges as, once they are in my mind, I cannot seem to take any action to stop me going down that path?

Expert:  Dr. D. Love replied 4 years ago.
There is no medicine that will directly affect sexual desire. However, in men with the difficulty in controlling sexual urges noted above, antidepressants, and particularly the SSRIs, are sometimes used in addition to counselling. Counselling is typically considered the primary intervention, but antidepressants also may be used. There are several SSRIs on the market, such as Zoloft, Paxil, and Celexa.

There are also drugs that will block the effect of testosterone that are sometimes used as a "chemical castration" for men that have a history of sexual violence, such as multiple convictions for rape. However, there are numerous side effects that make it undesirable to use these drugs in common clinical use.