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DrRussMD, Board Certified MD
Category: Medical
Satisfied Customers: 65671
Experience:  Board certified Internal medicine and Integrative medicine. Many years of experience all areas.
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my husband has died a few weeks ago and i have just found a

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my husband has died a few weeks ago and i have just found a video on his computer of me talking with him he is being warm and open and loving and i am withholding and criticising him for no reason
i am haunted by the fact that he unconsciously or consciously decided to die because of this kind of behaviour from me and because he thought i didnt love him i now think i bullied him quite a bit, he was a gentle man and i could be like a bull in a china shop
i feel self hatred and shame and that i am in hell which is no less than i deserve
i know there is nothing you can say, as i know i am being negative and critical of myself, and that does not mean it isnt true or deserved
I am not sure exactly what your question is, but let me give you an initial response.

First of all, grief and working through grief is normal.

If your husband was this loving, he loved you as you were.

The notion of subconscious effects is pure speculation; but more importantly, guilt feelings on your part.

Guilt is often simply thinking about one's own sense of shame.

That is your reality, not his.

This is amenable to working with a good therapies.

Preferable a therapist who understands techniques such as emotional mapping.

That should be your next step.
Use reply to let me know if you have further questions. [click reply to expert].
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