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Dr. David
Dr. David, Board Certified MD
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Experience:  Board Certified Physician
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My partner (male) has never had the urge to have what I

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My partner (male) has never had the urge to have sex what I would call frequently i.e. twice a week. We have been together for 12 years. Gradually sex has become more rare an occasion - at first only once a fortnight and then perhaps once a month. For the past coupple of years has become a high days and holidays occasion. This past year has dropped to perhaps once every 3 -4 mnths. We are both 57 years old.

My partner will get sexually excited about pleaseing me and will do this first but then he will lose his errection and penetrative sex rarely happens.

He insists that he loves me as much as ever but I can tell that he does not seem to enjoy the act as much as he used to.

A few months ago I discovered that he was having sexual intercourse with a few women over the internet, watching video's of girls masterbating and no doubt able to materbate himself to ejaculation.

I feel that this has been the reason more latterly for the decline in our sexual relation ship. Now that we are trying to work through this, I have made myself more atractive, lost lots of weight (everyone tells me how gorgeous I look) but he does not seem to be anymore interested. I have purchased a vibrator, which excited him and recently I said to him that I was going to use it and he could join in if he wished. This seems to excite him very much but what really dissapointed me was the fact that he stood over me whilst I was masterbating and brought himself to ejaculation.

I asked him to have his testosterone levels checked, which he did and they are apparently normal.

Why is this man so difficult to have 'normal' full penetrative sex with? Is it a sexual drive thing or is that he is just into 'quirky sex'. Its driving mad, particularly as I currently need to have this inimacy with him for my own reassurance having discovered what he has been up to.

Dr. David :

This is Dr. David

Dr. David :

it sounds like you and him would do well with seeing a sex therapy or a sex counselor.

Dr. David :

he could be more into quirky sex now that he is older and is more interested in watching those videos online.

Dr. David :

it can be tough to keep sex interesting for men and for women at your age.

Dr. David :

it sounds like you have bent over backwards to put effort into the sexual relationship.

Dr. David :

he has to put some effort into it as well.

Dr. David :

but talking about it with a sex therapist can help if you two are having a hard time discussing your sexual needs and desires with each other.

Dr. David :

men often have a hard time expressing their sexual desires and wishes

Dr. David :

it is very legitimate how you feel about him and his internet distractions.

Dr. David :

do you think he will be willing to see a sex therapist with you to help him talk about his feelings and sexual desires

Dr. David :

this could help improve communication between you two and help improve the sex

Dr. David :

and when the sex improves, the relationship should improve.

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Communication is quite good - certainly on my part. I have an understanding and gentle approach, however., my partner definitely finds it more difficult and more importantly I think he has trouble being honest with me. Just talking things through leaves him cold and I know he worries that he is not giving me the satisfaction that I need.


You may well be right and a therapist/counsellor might help the situation - not sure how receptive he will be to this though

bring it up to him

tell him that this relationship and sex life is really important to you and that you want to make it as good as it can be

tell him you want to share in his sexual experiences.

see if he would be willing to watch these videos with you

you can even perform sex acts with him while he watches videos and enter his world this way and break down this internet video thing that he has kept to himself. don't let him keep that to himself as this just puts a wedge in the relationship

I hope this helps

best of luck to you

let me know if you have other questions.

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