I realised that I am trying to ask is there anything medically wrong with me or was is that I went to my gp too easily as soon as my husband had the stroke and got signed off work as a teacher yet I was not then ill really I just panicked about caring for son to get to school etc and visited husband every day in a bubble of what a happy little family we were then it was summer holidays and I focused on him coming over as the perfect family and then brought him home too soon instead I should have left him in the hospital and concentrated on going back to school I have missed a year in the real world and have spiralled into trouble with mental health social services re my child they claim emotional harm as he has witnessed events in the home etc Am I just stressed by the problems that I have caused myself and cant undo I have gone from being a professional happy woman with a family to now there being conferences about me saying emotionally unstable affecting my son etc I did not look after my husband well and feel that I hate him and the twenty years wasn't real. I have let myself go down in that my appearance s haggard and pale my clothes poor when mmy husband used to iron all my clothes so again is this lazy me or incapable me as now I should have done everything but didn't anad said I cant etc I used to be a great shopper now I sprint into a shop hoping not to be seen by anyone who knows me and now realises that I have failed my husband I cry when I see the real world and missed xmas by being taken to mental ward 2 weeks missed easter missed world cup because I cannot enjoy anything normal we we would have loved the world cup my son and husband mad football fans I feel alive but dead that I have spoilt the world for all of us. my husband currently living back with family as I said he could not come home this has brought me more social services concern as they monitor my child and parenting capacity I can talk to my husband and say I love u on the fone but I don't know what I mean he was meant to be the golf club captain but had his stroke a few weeks into the new year of golf which meant that all the golf club were very supportive visited him loads etc and I think I lived in that world instead of my job and child I work in another area and forgot that the world of my school existed.
So I look wrecked, have mental health support worker/psychiatrist and child under social services watch I cannot bear the pressure and the mistakes I have made I fone my parents literally every minute saying wish I could go back they are heartbroken as they did everything to help but my foning is being presented to social servicecs a sharrassment/abuse so more trouble.
I cannot function I live in fear of social services I cannot move forward people say make decisions move on separate from husband now live a life with son like many families have to but I cannot life was the three of uss we went out and about all the time were happy at home holidays etc and my husband amazxing with son had full time care from age 1 to 5 he 6 now and it appears that I have just messed every ones life up. This is such a disaster I know what is happening but I cant stop it. am I selfish stupid or have I had a breakdown/depression and if so psychiastrist last October said adjustment reaction but I have worsened not improved as I had mental health tean daily chat round issues of house food child but I have not improved anything and turned on my husband which was obviously the real issue that finally came out at xmas and I was taken away but in hospital you just sit there all day seeing ill people that I knew I wasn't and then they drug u at night not medication programme that has helped lifet me they chop and change.
I do not want sedation tablets but thought antidepressant would help but haven't which makes me as is this medical or something else is it that I had a good life it crashed when my husband did and I basically didn't adjust to picking up the house roles plus bringing him home taking over the whole house being fully disabled was too much for me plus he wears a hair piece and I had to get him a wig etc in hospital and this needs constant sorting he used to do all that in private his care included putting on a sheath at night incontinence many mornings wet sheets etc and I could not keep up with washing going to launderette because of this churned way I feel in side all the time. I found it hard to have clean clothes for him and to dress him yet is it not normal to iron and give fresh clothes every day \I say I never did that before he did so this is such a crazy but TRUE mix plus he was better at the care of our son as he was with him all the time and made him a bright and happy boy now I feel responsible for destroying life.
I spend every minute saying if only I could go back to last year I would do this all differently taken hospital advice not brought him home etc and I certainly would not have got social services involved with my child.
Am I with a medical issue or is it my own stupidity I cannot live with myself cannot be happy cannot see a future cannot see a way forward cannot accept that we might have to split up cannot make a new life for my son etc desperate to know wot I can do my mentaaal health worker just says I have to move on can only fone her twice a week as I not moving forward offer things like relaxation techniques but I do not need that I neeed to go back and start again. I want social services to go aay but they have power to monitor my son and its killing me and my mind every minute of the day I never wake up feeling ok there is just chaos I cannot get a stable routine going my husband is with his family who hate me now quite rightly yet I wont cope if he is back here how do you turn against someone just for having a stroke. Please take this as aserious equest for advice and help