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Dr. Chip
Dr. Chip, Board Certified Physician
Category: Medical
Satisfied Customers: 36077
Experience:  20 yrs. in practice, includinge surgery, general medicine, addiction medicine and pain.
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I am at my wits end today! My husband and I have had another

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I am at my wits end today! My husband and I have had another argument today- an argument that rears it's head at least twice a year..... I feel it's all a bit ridiculous as we love each other deeply and have done for thirty years. My first marriage ended after 2 years due to my husband being unfaithful-it was a very difficult divorce as I had two children from this union. My present husband helped me bring up these boys and we had a son of our own-the boys have all grown and are now leading their own lives but there are still so many issues. I have not had contact with my ex since my boys were old enough to manage their contact with their father themselves . My ex made life very difficult for me and my present husband throughout the boys childhood and continues to this day- one son has financial problems and his father is being very unhelpful towards him..... This of course upsets me and affects my present relationship. My present husband has never liked my 1st husband and washed his hands of him even before we married. There has always been friction between us re my ex. and I would say that my 2nd husband is tormented with his hatred of my 1st relationship- the arguments we have flare from this and I am accused of not loving him enough as he feels I gave everything to my 1st and not to him- which as far as I am concerned is totally untrue . We have and always have had a really healthy sexual relationship but there is one issue that we end up arguing about- the fact I do not like fellatio and as my husband desires this and I am not willing to go there he has convinced himself that I had this in my previous relationship ( which is not the case) and don't love him as much as I did my first. This is just not true and nothing I say alters his thinking- it seems a sexual compromise is just not enough for him. As we are getting older he is beginning to think he is never gonna get what he desires most. I am very aware of his needs but he's beginning to push me away..... Where do we go from here?
Hi. Sorry to hear about this but my first question would be have you and your husband considered either marriage counseling or seeing a therapist separately?
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Yes many years ago- it was of little use as my husband was not comfortable attending.... And I know he doesn't want to speak to anyone
I see. Have you considered seeing a therapist yourself recently? And do you and your husband ever sit down and discuss this problem?
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
I have seen a therapist in past but really gained little from it . Yes we do discuss this but usually it will be precipitated by an argument re my ex or his step kids. If we tried to discuss this as a separate issue we would probably go round in circles and end up hurting each other verbally and no doubt I would end up in tears- husband would probably walk out......
OK. So is it that you think if you would perform fellatio all would be well?
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
No it would not solve the problem completely...... As what about his regret of its infrequency in the last thirty years? Makes it very difficult for me to even try afresh due to the knowledge he holds on to all this ill feeling..... I heard myself this am saying to him 'it's more your problem than mine' but obviously when you love someone and they are not happy you want to mend the situation but should I be coerced into something I am not keen on?! This is an impasse.......we for the most part brush it under the carpet so to speak but I really need to fix this as life is passing us by..... Maybe that's scaring him.... Yearning for his youth and lost experiences??
Well it does seem that he has his own share of demons he has yet to deal with. Let me ask you this--how exactly can I help you with this?
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
You are helping me by listening and responding! I reckon we have to get back on to neutral territory talk/listen and attempt to move forward together and leave the past alone as it's gone and cannot be mindful in the present . I perhaps have to learn to be open to relearning sexual experiences and not feel resentful to husband wishing something I don't particularly enjoy ..... He should not pressure me and make me feel guilty but how can he do that considering the way he feels?! Very difficult.Difficult giving 100per cent to someone ! Do you think I am coming up with some answers?
You're doing very well with thinking about the problem and being truthful with yourself as to where things stand here. The main thing for you to do is be true to yourself and celebrate yourself for who you are. We should never let someone else dictate how we feel. While you love him and want to share things with him, there's a line beyond which you must not go. As for arguments, the best thing you can do in those cases is to step away and let the other person rant if they have to but don't feed the flames--just say I hear what you're saying and step away. The arguer will soon run out of steam if they have no one with which to debate. And you shouldn't feel guilty--you have done nothing to feel guilty for. Hope this helps and if you need to continue the discussion I'd be happy to.
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Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Thanks for being a support- I'm not mad after all! I am determined to resolve the issues we have.... We've been together too long! I shall finish with you - many thanks!
Let me know how it goes and please remember to rate my service to you