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Ask Dr. Chip Your Own Question
Dr. Chip
Dr. Chip, Board Certified Physician
Category: Medical
Satisfied Customers: 35557
Experience:  20 yrs. in practice, includinge surgery, general medicine, addiction medicine and pain.
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My wife suffered a depressive episode about six weeks ago following

Customer Question

My wife suffered a depressive episode about six weeks ago following me finding out she had been involved on an emotional affair. She has many issues from two previoys marriages including violence and rape. She akso had a violent father. I was husband 3. We have been together 24 years and married 22. I was very young only 20 when we met. I was not a great husband in the first 10 years but neither was she a great wife. We rowed a lot, split up many times, her vulgar mouth and my run away attitude. In 2003 i had an affair. Confessed and after seperation we reconnected. I got counselling as i felt my anger which was bad at times ( never any violence) often erupted. This was related to ptsd following an aircrash i dealt with in the airforce aged 19. Following my counselling I felt much calmer and in control of emotions. Our marriage seemed to get stronger our three kids seemed happy. We had challenges with the kids (two asd) which was hard on my wife as she carrird the brunt of that whilst i workrd. Fonancial pressure eas hard in 2010 and we lost or home never to gey back on the ladder since. I have worked do hatd the lasy 4 years, huge commutes, 15 hour days, every week every year. Mu wife eirks pt 25 hours per week. I recognise thst i have not listened well, mu kids have told me, and not been as supportive as i could. But now my wife has left eft to go to a refuge citing emotional abuse! I have never heard this from her before, she wants a divorce, and calls me a bully. I know I am not perfect but really! Where is all this coming from suddenly?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Medical
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 2 years ago.

Hi Sorry to hear about this.

What exactly was the emotional affair?

And how did you deal with it when you learned about it?

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

She was in telephone contact with a man she got to know via twitter. He commented on her artwork and then they were on the phones hours a day for about three weeks.

I found a sexual remake to my wife about being between her legs on twitter and asked my wife calmly what was going on. She was evasive and then went to bed. I could not sleep and got up in the early hours to go to work as my head was spinning. Then she collapsed into a state and ended up in crisis care with major depression overnight.

Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 2 years ago.
OK Alex. So did she see a psychiatrist while at the crisis center?
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Yes sent home with loraepam and fluorine.

This was six weeks ago though. I have done everything for her since, found houses for her to live in for separation, paid for 8 days away in hotels as a break fir her as she felt suffocated at home. All she did was tweet on twitter about how unhappy she was and calling out to her emotional affair friend to contact her. (That coward has gone now ) she came back angry and so dispassionate towards me. Shouted divorce involved the kids (18 and 22) told me all the things I had done wrong, said divorce for unreasonable behaviour (period 1991 to 2002) !! And suddenly gone to refuge for three months now!! I am not abusive, never violent but very tired most of the time yes!

Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 2 years ago.
OK. And before this happened she seemed fine and emotionally stable?
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Her behaviour did seem strange and the household chores were not being done by her

Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 2 years ago.

Sorry for all the questions John.

Did you talk with the psychiatrist and is your primary question how she suddenly became this way?

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

My primary question is why she is accusing me of abuse. I never tell her what to wear, or that she can't go out, she has had access to our money, she goes out with friends when she wants, I think I have been very tired for a long time and get in late at night maybe I have not paid enough attention to her I don't know but she makes me feel like an abuser now. She has been telling our children for 10 years about her unhappiness behind my back. They called it mums Pandora box she never told me directly or marriage was in trouble, then emotional affair and then this. I know I can be insensitive, probably have not appreciated all her opinions but I am really shattered so tired. I have helped her in so many ways though. Why this?

Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 2 years ago.

OK Alex

First off you need to let go of the false shame and guilt you've put on yourself--it's undeserved and unjustified.

It may well be that she had a psychotic break here and that it was festering just below the surface for months or longer. When that happens, the patient becomes irrational and paranoid.

I suggest you discuss this with the psychiatrist she saw

Let me know if we need to continue this discussion please

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

What is a physchotic break. She is so resentful towards me, it's heartbreaking. Says I am controlling and manipulative. I do nice things for get, helped her choose her new cat, driven for hours round the country to collect things for her. Now she is away at a refuge that helps abused women start a new life. I am left at home with our children 17 and 22. One has asd, and social anxiety disorder and needs support. Why would a mother disengage and not love her husband so quickly, leave her child with an 'abuser' it makes no sense. Will she even get any counselling to deal with her trauma of rape and violence in previous marriage. I feel lost and miss the wife I had before.

Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 2 years ago.

A psychosis is a mental disorder where the patient is out of touch with reality.

When the break occurs, the person is no longer rational, so you're asking the question why is simply the wrong question

You really should discuss this with the psychiatrist that had been seeing her