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Dr. Chip
Dr. Chip, Board Certified Physician
Category: Medical
Satisfied Customers: 35539
Experience:  20 yrs. in practice, includinge surgery, general medicine, addiction medicine and pain.
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There, I am dealing with a hard situation, my sister is

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Hi there, I am dealing with a hard situation, my sister is ill currently and awaiting her visa request for the states as she got rejected so is living with us, she is currently needing alot of care and I am finding it extremely stressful, as I am not aloud to think of myself at all because whenever I have a negative thing to say when I am chatting with my mum, she tells me to count my blessings at what I have, which I feel is always making me aware of everything I have and how she has nothing. I don't feel that is the best thing to be saying to me when I am dealing with it full on while working full time.
My mum has been dealing with this for a long time, and is currently living in the states waiting and hoping that she will be back over soon. I am happy to help but just finding this a bit much to deal with and I don't feel I can speak to my mum about it because she feels guilty about her not really having a home just now, so it makes me look bad because she takes it as I am moaning about her being in our house which I am not. Is there an easy way to deal with all this mentally?
Hi. Are you alone caring for your sister? And what exactly is the problem you're having dealing with all this?
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

No, I live with my husband. I am finding it difficult to see her the way she is, I am also finding it hard living with her when she has such an upside down routine, she is asleep all day and awake all night as it is due to pain her sleep is messed up. So when we have been at work all day, it is the mental side of keeping going to be able to look after her that I would like advice on, as it is very draining working a 10 and a half hour shift and not getting to bed until nearly midnight then being awake again at 6am.

She gets hurt when my husband looks in on her if I am too tired and go to bed, so I then feel bad for feeling tired. She wants you to talk to her when I am half asleep and I can't focus on anything she is saying at that time of night, so I would like to know how I can make this easier for me to deal with so I can still be there for her without over doing things myself, as I still need to be alert for work due to the nature of my job, working with children.

My husband and I share the caring role, however sometimes she expects alot from me, and I want to have the energy to give her that care.

This is only for a short time while we await her visa application,

Sorry for the delay Jill
Sounds like you pobably have a lot of anger towards her?
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

I don't have anger towards her, as I wouldn't wish her situation upon anyone, I just get frustrated at the whole situation, and she gets angry at her life, so she takes it out on me, and then I get upset, and feel like I am not being helpful.

She is ego centric, and has no awareness of what other people have going on round about them, as long as they are there for her she can't physically and mentally focus on anything else, and that is what I find the hardest to deal with as that is when I feel annoyed the most, when she doesn't consider others, which isn't her fault, and she was never like that before. I feel like holding my feelings in is starting to get to me. I find that arguing with her gets me nowhere so the best thing to do is to say nothing, but then she gets away with saying things that hurt other people.

So in a way I am angry at her in those situations but I am not angry at why she is angry if that makes sense.

Well anyone--myself included--would be angry with her but then the guilt sets in--how could anyone be angry with someone who's suffering through no fault of her own?

What do the two of you argue about? And do you ever tell her what you just told me about her egocentricity, etc?
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

I don't think I would be brave enough to say that to her myself, I feel that would be more for my mum and dad to say that to her.

My husband and I just moved into our house six months ago, and we are still finding ways for things to work, and she has bought things and not told us and put them in places, not mentioning anything expecting we are going to like them etc.. this caused an argument between me and my mum because my mum feels guilty that she is stuck here so why shouldn't she feel like she is living at home? But I get told I am being selfish because I would have rather her told us she bought them with it being our house.

I can't think about myself because of everything she is going through and that is what I keep getting told. This is very stressful for me. It is like we are having to sacrifice our own stamp on the house while she is here? I would like to know how best to deal with all this mentally in my head so that I don't cause fall outs at the time when our family needs to be strong together

I understand Jill.
If you can't tell her how you feel you need to release the anger some other way--to your husband, your mum, a good friend--whomever you'd be most comfortable with but hopefully with someone who's understanding and compassionate.

Anger left unvented leads to depression.

You sound like you are a very strong caring woman with a lot on your plate right now and while you can't change the circumstances for a while, you can be a friend to yourself by talking about your feelings with someone else.

In a sense here you do need to be thinking about yourself and putting yourself first--above your sister and above anyone else. That's how you gain strength

I'll be more than happen to continue this conversation if you'd like.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

I speak to my husband and one of my best friends who are both very good at giving their truthful most honest opinons. It is more how to keep focused on dealing with being tired and caring for someone else ? What can I do to make this easier?

There's no way to make it physically easier Jill.

The other option is to get regular exercise, as much rest as possible and take a multivitamin along with B complex vitamins and extra vitamin C.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

yeah that is what I was thinking, and alot of patience, finding the patience at times can be difficult, I just wish I could discuss things with my mum but I fear us falling out everytime I bring anything up to do with my sister, so it is like her way of dealing with it, is just saying just deal with it I want no involvement if I am not there.

I am planning on starting riding lessons to give me a distraction as I think this will help.

It is just alot to be dealing with at once, any advice on how to deal with the aftermath after she leaves? as I will probably feel like I have been on an adrenaline rush ? what would you suggest to wind the brain down from everything that we have had to deal with ?

That shouldn't be too hard--take things easy, stick close to your family and again put yourself first. And set a goal to strive toward--getting to be a great equestrienne would be my suggestion
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Thank you for your help, one final question, how do I help my mum, because she is obviously finding it hard as a mother to not be here and help and feels guilty me and my husband having to do it. She doesn't like hearing about the arguments, as she usually sides with my sister, so I would like to find a way of communicating about it with her about things with her feeling guilty about hearing things?

Well, try your best not to talk much about how things are going with you and your sister. Just give her the impression everything's settled down and going well. She is probably not dealing with her own anger too well
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

yeah it is probably best, ***** ***** asked earlier if I ever mentioned to my sister about her being ego centric, do you think it is at any point needing to be brought to her attention and do you feel that it should be one of us or a doctor who makes her aware of it ?

My sister is a very controlling character, and stubborn character, she tends to have a reason for everything she does and why she does them so if it is one of us how would you describe to someone that is ego centric that they are ego centric?

I think it would be a good idea for you to talk to her doctor and let him broach the subject to her.

She sounds as thought she may have a personality disorder that's only become obvious since she's been ill. I think it would be a good idea for her to see a psychologist for therapy if she'd agree to doing that
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

I don't know about the personality disorder, what makes you say that?

She has admitted herself that she needs to speak to someone as she has been the one dealing with it all and coping with her pain and life in general with pain, but its something that will get sorted out when she is over there, she may speak to someone here in the meantime, but the positive side is that we have had that side of the conversation.

I was surprised she agreed with me on that tbh. Can the personality thing be caused by her way of how she is coping with everything? And she is on alot of pain killers too which wont be helping matters.

Well I can't diagnose her over the internet but it sounds more than just egocentricity--maybe an obsessive/compulsive disorder. I still think you and she should speak to her doctor about getting started with therapy now.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

yeah, I will bring up the subject with her and ask if she has thought anymore about seeing someone here at least for a couple of sessions before she goes back the states, as we are still not sure how that will work out. Thank you so much for your help and advice, is there a way of speaking to yourself if I need advice on any other situations while she is here ? As I find it easier talking to the same people without having to explain my situation more than once?

Hope I've helped you here Jill and I'm here daily so please feel free to call on me anytime.

That link will get you directly to me whenever you need
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