Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.
You are having a terrible time with this relationship. I wish I could give you a hopeful assessment, but I can't. I think that this man has some very serious personality disorders and will never be the man that he first pretended (yes pretended) to be when you met him. He seems to be a "malignant narcissist" who may be a grave threat to your safety and life.
Narcissists are the best liars and con-artists and can charm people into thinking they are the exact opposite of how they really are.
They also like to victimise and control others and then blame the others as if they, the narcissist, are actually the victim.
He also suffers from erectile dysfunction and as a result reacts with an extreme form of anxiety called panic disorder, which was what happened to him.
Let me show you the official diagnostic criteria for narcissistic personality disorder from the psychiatric manual DSM-IV:
Diagnostic criteria for 301.81 Narcissistic Personality Disorder
(DSM IV - TR)
A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:
(1) has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
(2) is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
(3) believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
(4) requires excessive admiration
(5) has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
(6) is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
(7) lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
(8) is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her
(9) shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes
You would be best to get out of this relationship. He will do his best to hold you in. You are very vulnerable and that is why he has latched on to you.
He will only bring you unhappiness and misery.
If you would like to read a book on how to get out of such a relationship I recommend the following:
I know it says divorcing, but just think of separating. For your own safety you need to get out. He will not change, and one of these days he may hurt you very badly or strangle you when nobody can hear your screams.
I shall keep you in my prayers.
Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC