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Ask TherapistMaryAnn Your Own Question
TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5960
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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Hello, my husband and I are having a bad time of it since he

Customer Question

Hello, my husband and I are having a bad time of it since he bullied me into a termination 3.5 years ago. I don't feel any sort of attraction to him and mostly its just contempt and a bit of fear. I have made it clear I don't want a physical relationship as he makes my skin crawl but he is very persistant. One night I woke to find him touching me in my sleep and then a week or so ago he asked if he could see me naked so he could get off, I obliged as I moan about him looking at porn so it seems churlish to deny him anything but of course looking turned to touching. Afterwards he said ' oh sorry I know you didn't want me to touch you'
then yesterday morning he asked again and asked if I would lie on my front for him to look at, he touched me again then suddenly started having sex with me. It was horrible but I didn't feel like I could tell him to f#@k off. He didn't ask or even prepare me. I feel really quite upset as I feel like he has 0 respect for me. I wouldn't class it as rape as such as I didn't have the guts to say no, but in a way I feel it was as he knows how I feel about sex with him but he did it anyway. It makes me feel stupid and worthless. Then afterwards he went out of the room saying ' Thank you for letting me molest you'
Am I being over sensitive or just weak and stupid
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 4 years ago.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

You are definitely not being overly sensitive or stupid about this situation in your marriage. From what you said, it sounds like your husband is abusing you. Forcing you into a termination, sex and emotionally insulting you are all signs of abuse.

It sounds like your husband is trying to make you feel bad for not accepting his abusive behaviour. It is not unusual for an abusive spouse to make you feel bad for not accepting the abuse and being ok with it.

Also, looking at porn as your husband does is never a good idea in a relationship. It often makes you feel cheated on because your spouse is being turned on sexually by an image that is not you, but someone else. Any sexual feelings about another person, even if they are not in person, is demeaning to the relationship and to the other person. It says that the sex in the relationship is not enough and there needs to be something else (which is about your husband's issues and not about you). It can make you feel even more betrayed and you can lose trust in your marriage.

The first step in dealing with the situation is to suggest counselling. While it is unlikely he will agree, it is worth trying. If he won't go, go on your own. You need the support and to work out how you want to handle the situation. You are part of this marriage and your feelings deserve equal attention.

You also may want to learn more about abuse. Here are some resources to help:

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft

The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing by Beverly Engel

Knowing when to leave may also help. If you are being abused, it might be a good idea to consider leaving. No marriage is worth your self esteem and your well being.

I hope this has helped you,