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Dr. L
Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1168
Experience:  Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
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HI, Ive been seeing a guy for 2 years now and its been great

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HI,
Ive been seeing a guy for 2 years now and its been great so i thought.
I found out that he had been on dating sites and flirted with other girls,
i found this out after a weekend away for my birthday in which he gave me a promise ring i found all these messages on his phone and saw him getting emails he was beside me when i found them and broke down.
i was heart broken but i have stood by him. since he has been blowing hot and cold with me and started getting really depressed and not sleeping fighting with his parents and ive been there for him to help him get through this.
ive found it difficult as i didnt take my time to get my head sorted and now im still 2 months down the line so unhappy. he tells me he loves me and wansts to make it work and then 2 days later he is cold again and then he tells me all the same thing and it just goes on and on like this.
he tells me he just needs to get his head right and he feels like he just needs to get that right first then we can get somewhere.
i love him and im finding this so hard to not see him or talk to him over the phone its all been texts.

i cant seem to move on or stop worrying every day.
it makes me sick to not have him there or do all the things we used to do and when i do speak with him he tells me he is finding it hard to and misses me but yet we have not seen each other.

i feel like im being lead in circles and he is not doing it in a nasty way or anything just confusing me.
we have spoke about how we feel and he knows exactly how i am feeling but something just does ont feel right and im the type of person that needs to know as my head is wreaked.

ive cried every night and get so upset and annoyed at the situation that every day i just snap at people and wish i was not here.
i dont see the happiness anymore coz any time i think of what we are missing out on i break down songs sports all the things we loved just keep coming up.

he said its killing him to, but i dont know what the next step is.
i am afraid if i dont talk to him then ill lose him and im not ready for that yet....

sad

Dr. L :

Good Morning,

Dr. L :

I am so sorry this is happening to you. I can read the confusion in what you wrote...and yes...it does sound like you are going in circles here.

Dr. L :

What you are experiencing right now is grief. That is that sense that you have lost or will loss "something"...in this case the wonderful relationship and bond that you have with this person. Grief is a process...and right now you are in the beginnings of that process.

Dr. L :

That process can be very emotional...and you are reporting that you cry every day, snap at people, and generally feel miserable.

Dr. L :

That all makes sense to me.

Customer:

I Think i went about it the wrong way from the start. i feel like now he has the upper foot if you know what i mean.

Dr. L :

Yes...I do understand. It's like he is directing the relationship.

Customer:

ive been the one hurt but for some reason im the one trying to help him through this dark time for him

Dr. L :

And when you are helping him...you don't have the time or energy to get your own thoughts in order.

Customer:

and i feel like ive lost that abiloty to make him see / miss me

Dr. L :

Yes...because he is caught up in his own story and you are taking care of him...rather than taking care of yourself.

Dr. L :

It seems to me that he may have been "using" you for quite some time. I'm sorry to put it so bluntly...but you need to see and understand what is really going on instead of listening to what he tells you.

Customer:

and i think him saying all the things to me the things ive waited to hear and then it just feels like im the one saying sorry and i have genuinely not done a thing wrong and his family say this to that he was a muppet for doing this etc.

Customer:

i think i dont want to admit that to myself

Dr. L :

Your instincts are telling you one thing...and then you dismiss those to listen to him. Is that right?

Customer:

yep

Dr. L :

I understand that it is very hard to think that you have been in a "false" relationship. But his history of flirting with other women, texting other women, etc. cannot be ignored. This hot and cold situation is how he confuses you and keeps you running after him.

Dr. L :

If you were really, really honest with yourself...what would you be saying about him?

Customer:

how do i get past the want to help and talk to him.

Customer:

im chasing something that is not there

Dr. L :

You get past that by saying to your self....I am important. I matter. My feelings matter. My heart matters.

Dr. L :

If I don't get MY life in order...I will never be able to be in a satisfying, loving, compassionate, and honest relationship.

Dr. L :

Think of it this way...if you give away all of your heart...what is left for you?

Dr. L :

And...that is sort of what you have been doing...you have given him your love, attention, energy, compassion...and what energy do you have to take care of YOU? He is not taking care of your needs!!! So where do your good feelings come from?

Dr. L :

No relationship can survive without 100% honesty between the couple.

Dr. L :

I understand that you are hurting and that is very difficult for you.

Dr. L :

What you need right now is some help to clearly see what is going on.

Dr. L :

Would you consider individual therapy? Seeing a counselor?

Dr. L :

Or do you have some good friends and family members who can emotionally support you during this time?

Dr. L :

I know it is very hard to not be in contact with him...but as I said earlier...that's about grieving the loss of this relationship.

Dr. L :

Obviously, your heart has been broken and you need time to heal those wounds and to be make yourself a priority again.

Dr. L :

*to make yourself a priority again.

Customer:

yes anything at this point. i dont like involving people i like to think i cant handle it but i know i cant do it alone. im kinda answered my wn question in a way. i know its wrong what he did but im annoyed at myself that i let him now make me feel like i should support him.

Customer:

to him we are still together and we are trying to work on it but then its ok i feel happier coz i feel like things have improved to be shot down again. bulit up and knocked down.

Dr. L :

Yes...I can understand what you have written. We tend to think that we are stronger than we really are and reaching out for help may be the last thing we want. However, if a friend came to you with this same situation...would you offer your support? Would you be willing to help them during this period? Of course you would.

Dr. L :

And yes...there is room here for you to be disappointed in your own behavior. And...that's about saying to yourself that you are still learning about life and learning about relationships. Please don't be too hard on yourself..your reaction was quite normal.

Customer:

i dont want to break up as i love him but its so hard to do this every day. and i know i should say goodbye and get over him but its so hard

Dr. L :

What he thinks about the relationship doesn't have to be what you think. He has you on a merry-go-round...on/off/on/off. Who does that benefit? Not you! He gets all the benefits of your love and attention and you get very little.

Dr. L :

And absolutely...ending a relationship is painful, even agonizing. But you must face the reality here...how long do you want to keep doing this hot/cold/hot/cold thing?

Customer:

i just want to know how to say this and in a way i get some closure

Dr. L :

From your own words...you are in pain every day, you are short with people, you are miserable.

Customer:

its been 2 months now and ive still not been able to say goodbye driving me crazy!

Customer:

i want to make him feel like he has lost something

Customer:

maybe so i can feel like its not been a total waste

Dr. L :

How you say this is by being 100% honest....this relationship is not working for me. I feel miserable and am emotionally spent. It is time for me to move on to find peace, happiness, and satisfaction in a new relationship. Good bye.

Dr. L :

You say what you need and then you end the conversation.

Dr. L :

You don't need to hear his response, to hear him question you, or to hear him say something ugly.

Dr. L :

Say what you need and leave.

Customer:

thank you

Dr. L :

What has not been a total waste is that you have learned more about relationships...what works and what doesn't.

Dr. L :

You have matured from this experience and it will help you as you move on with your life.

Dr. L :

Before we end our chat, is there any last thing I can help you with?

Customer:

no i know what i need to do and just did to pluck up the courage!

Customer:

thanks again

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