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Ask TherapistMaryAnn Your Own Question
TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5927
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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i have discovered my husband has had an affair now i have found

Customer Question

i have discovered my husband has had an affair now i have found him out he has turned nasty towards me and in denial is this normal
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 4 years ago.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

It is very normal for someone to deny they are having an affair, even in when faced with evidence. For one, the person is used to lying about and hiding the affair, so naturally they continue to lie about it, especially to their spouse. Although it is not logical, they still hope that they will be believed and the affair will not be found out so they can continue.

Another possible reason someone denies and affair when confronted is that they truly believe they are doing nothing wrong. Typically, someone who is self centered or narcissistic will follow this path, thinking that if they deny it, then they should be believed. They can even become incredulous when confronted. They may also believe that just because they say it isn't true that makes it not true.

Denial of an affair is the last hope a person has of keeping the two worlds they have created in their life separate. To own up to the affair means they may have to do something about it, especially if they want to keep their marriage. And that can be overwhelming to someone who wants to keep both relationships going.

The reasons for infidelity has to do with the person having the affair. They feel there is something missing for them and is almost always a personal issue within themselves and not the spouse or partner they are with.

If your husband is denying his affair, then you may need to let him know that counselling is mandatory to save your marriage. A therapist can help your husband overcome his denial so you both can decide what step to take next in your marriage. But if he refuses to go, go without him. You deserve the support and the opportunity to decide how you would like to handle this situation. Taking care of yourself right now is vital.

You can also use self help to work through your feelings. Here are some resources to help you get started:

Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Shirley P. Glass and Jean Coppock Staeheli

Transcending Post-infidelity Stress Disorder (PISD): The Six Stages of Healing by Dennis C. Ortman

Also, consider forums as a way to connect with others who understand how you feel.

I hope this has helped you,

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