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Ask TherapistMaryAnn Your Own Question
TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5928
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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Ive been going out to dinner at least once a week with a guy

Customer Question

I've been going out to dinner at least once a week with a guy I met 4 months ago. He calls them dates, holds my hand and kisses me. We text several times a day and he calls me every day. He even text and rang when he went in holiday, and also when I went on holiday. He's told me I'm special and he wants me in his life for a long time. He's even asked me to meet up when he is travelling in 2015!! He had said he didn't want sex with anyone right now as companionship more important....but then he says suggestive things and talks about us having sex. Anyway, I have asked him what the score is with us after 4 months of dating, and he said "well we are just friends and we are getting to know each other slowly". He's made it look like I got totally the wrong end of the stick. Yet he says he really likes me, cares about be and we've got something special!! He went quiet for a week afterwards because I said he'd really hurt me. But now he's back in touch as if nothing's happened and wants to go for a drink this week. I'm so confused. Am I deluded and read too much into it or is he scared for some reason?
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 4 years ago.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

You are not reading too much into his reaction. He is coming across as interested in you romantically. He holds your hand, kisses you and spends a lot of time communicating with you, enough to say that you are on his mind a lot. Treating someone like that indicates that they are special to you. You do not treat everyone in that manner. It also indicates feelings stronger than friendship.

However, when you asked him about his opinion regarding the status of the relationship, he indicated that you are friends. While he certainly can express his point of view, his actions do not back up what he is saying. He is treating you like a girlfriend yet saying you are his friend.

It could be that he is so used to being a "player" that he doesn't understand he is sending the wrong message. Or it could be that he is holding back from saying he feels strongly for you in fear that you do not feel the same.

He seems to be able to show great kindness (such as he did with your mother) but at the same time, he also shows some signs of controlling behaviour. For example, when you told him that you felt hurt by his declaring that you are friends, he backed off and did not communicate with you. When you brought it up, he stated that you made yourself clear and refused to talk to you until you apologized. While he could just get hurt very easily, he could also being trying to control you.

Your feelings about his behaviour are spot on. His reaction is not however. At this point, you may want to try to sit down with him and talk to him about what you are feeling. Let him know that you were reading more into his behaviour than he intended and that to you, kissing and consistent daily communication means more than friendship. Tell him these things in a gentle, yet firm manner. If he reacts the same way as before and cuts you off, you may want to rethink the relationship. However, if he is willing to talk to you about your feelings, treat you as an equal and seems to want to communicate, then this may be worth pursuing.

I hope this has helped you,

I hope my answer is helpful to you. If you have any more questions, let me know.
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