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Ask Rafael M.T.Therapist Your Own Question
Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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My girlfriend used my debit card on line but didnt tell me

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My girlfriend used my debit card on line but didn't tell me until i noticed the reason she gave was because I was scattering my dad's ashes the following day & didn't want to stress me out we were sort of on a break sort of speaking she only had to ask me & would have known I would have lent it to her but she didn't mention it. she knows I love her & wanted her back. She tells me she was going to tell me when she saw me but that was 5 days later we've been together 3 months

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to know about this situation

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then you only found out about it this long later when reviewing your debit card statement?

Customer: Thanks what would you do personally I don't know weither I can trust her
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You were only dating for three months and when she used it you were like in a break up status, right?

Customer: Yea I phoned the bank to check something & noticed transactions that weren't mine as soon as I said about the coach tickets she said that was me but tells me she didn't want to tell me cuse my situation with my dad we arranged to see each other five days later as she was going away on a cruise with work!! There were two other transactions to itunes which obviously weren't me I asked her a couple of times was it her she says no I know apple itunes can sometimes take things by mistake but one transaction was for 17 pounds she denys this but admited about the coach cuse I noticed it could the others just be a conicedence & yes we have only been together 3 months I really don't know what to do
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You have been dating only for a short period of time, thus this incident is very concerning, since it shows that you trusted her that much to the point of giving her your debit card, and when you were under a lot of stress she chose to use your money without your permission, and after doing it, instead of holding accountability for it she kept silent until you found out, when she justified her behavior instead of acknowledging it was wrong.

I agree with you that this is very concerning and that trust is soemthing that needs to be earned, even more in romantic relationships, otherwise it would be very risky and naive to give that access to your money. here it has not been an accident, an isolated episode, then I think it's just not wise to trust her that much, because her actions have not been matching her behaviors, and this is about money, what makes of it a very serious issue, specially this early in the relationship.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I think you need to set better boundaries and limits around what is acceptable and what is not, reconsider giving her access to your money this much, and be careful, then time would show you if she really respects you, is honest and consistent with her actions or not. If a person after lying does not fully acknowledge her behaviors, taking full responsibility for them and doing what is necessary to repair the problem created, then it would be very foolish to trust that person without concrete and consistent changes in time.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Also when a person is dishonest about money, that person could easily be dishonest about any other area too, then these episodes are obvious red flags for you.

Customer: I gave her my debit card details a few weeks prior to that to lend her £ for her road tax & told her to delete the txt just incase she lost her phone etc...she obviously never!! She said she was sorry but what was she to do as she had no money to top it off she missed the coach & had to drive to the airport to which she had to pay for the parking out of her own money as I told her I never had any but she clearly had it if she paid for the parking sorry if this seems complicated she I leave her & end the relationship
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Yes, these is complex since it is not about an isolated incident as i said before, but a group of behaviors around lack of honesty and unauthorized use of your money. very concerning for sure.

Customer: If it was you would you personally end it do little into the relationship I've told her I love her I'm worried I'm being used
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

My suggestion is to only gradually trust people in consistency with the level of honesty, integrity, respect and reciprocity they show in time, otherwise it would be risky and naive, potentially enabling people to use and abuse us emotionally and financially too.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I would give her a chance after one isolated episode, but if then i see a pattern where dishonesty continues, lack of respect, accountability and objective effort to repair what was wrong, then no doubt I would seriously consider the soundness of staying in a relationship with a person presenting such serious issues.

Customer: Im
Customer: I'm concerned she's out for what she can get as her previous fb was 15 yrs older than her n has a Bentley
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

That is a reasonable and realistic concern for sure

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

and only you know what and how much you are truly willing to afford in this relationship.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I suggest you to reassess your core needs and expectations in the relationship, and objectively see if this person has been able and willing to met them, including basic respect, honesty and accountability, since without them, no healthy and fulfilling relationship could develop.

Customer: The first night I went out on a date with her she ignored my request of not to smoke in my car n just sparked up I got told so what it's only a golf I used to smoke in the Bentley she had been drinking I gave in n let her I'm in a awkward place what with my dad n just need someone in my life at this time very hard
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know of your loss and think you are much more vulnerable because of it, and these new issues-behaviors you are describing here, consistently show how this person does not seem to truly respect nor care about you, then how could you expect real and healthy affection under these circumstances? I think you should get healthy help from your support system, those healthy and caring people in your life, from family to close friends, and consider individual psychotherapy and a support group for grief, as the best approach to take good care of yourself working on your healing process from this tough time in your life, without getting even more attached to a person who does not seem to truly even respect you, your feelings and vulnerability.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Grieving a parents is tough most of the time, and this process could take from a couple of months to years if untreated when it becomes overwhelming, and attaching to a new person-relationship , that do not appear to be truly healthy, supportive, empathetic, respectful and healing for you could never help, but make things worse.

Customer: N the fact that I told her to delete the txt with my debit card details n she never makes me concerned
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

too many red flags in such a short period of time, not good.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please consider my suggestions in order to effectively cope with these challenges, heal in your grief and take good care of yourself with the right support.

Customer: Thanks I'm thinking of getting consuling so would you ent the relationship
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Based on everything you described here, I think I would, but each person is different, with unique values, beliefs, expectations and needs.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome. I support your plans for getting counselling/psychotherapy. Please do so as soon as possible.

Customer: So would u end the relationship
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Yes, I would

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please feel free to contact me if you have any further questions and to follow up, since I am here willing to support you as possible.

Customer: So would you leave her???
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

As I said, if it happens to be a situation I would face, yes, I would end the relationship.

Customer: Thanks
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're welcome.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Take good care.

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