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Ask TherapistMaryAnn Your Own Question
TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5962
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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Met a man a lot older than me. First few dates we couldnt keep

Customer Question

Met a man a lot older than me. First few dates we couldnt keep our hands off each other but never had sex. I suspect from things he has said and his behaviour that he has erectile dysfunction and he has asked to sliow things right down between us. Last time we met he wudnt even kiss me. He phones or texts me every day except Saturdays and will not let me visit his home saying he is not ready for us to be there yet. I was suspicious of his actions and went round to his home one saturday night to see what he was upto. I saw him sat on the sofa with a lady around his own age. They were just wwatching tv. I challenged him the next day and he completely denies it. He is adamant that he isnt seeing anyone else but why is he behaving in this way. It has been 3 months since we met. I am 41 and he is 57.
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 4 years ago.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your problem.

It sounds like this man wants to see you and also have another relationship with the lady you saw as well. It could be that he met her first and is cheating with you (which is why he restricts you to certain days with him) or he met her after you and is trying to keep you both away from each other.

Either way, if you confronted him and he is denying what you already saw with your own eyes, then he is lying to you, a sign that he is not ready for a real relationship. Why he is doing this is unclear. People usually cheat either because they are self centered or they do not know how to have a healthy relationship and are unwilling to learn.

You can try to talk to him again and see if he is ready to admit what he did and talk about it. He may just need time to get over being found out. Ask him why he is cheating or at least not being honest with you. If he decides to be open about what he is doing, then your relationship has a chance to improve, if he stops the other relationship and is willing to work on yours. However, if he continues to lie to you, then you have the option of either putting up with his behavior or leaving this relationship for a better one.

I hope this has helped you,

May I please request that if you find the service I provided helpful at all that you rate me with three or above? Your rating is the only way I am reimbursed for my answer. Thank you so much!
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

I was aware that the man in question had a f**kbuddy who he said he only meets approximately once every two to three months. I assume that it is her who I saw and I had already accepted that relationship but asked that he refrain from seeing her once we knew if our relationship was becoming more serious or not which he agreed to but is now saying he hasnt seen her. He has totally withdrawn from me physically and gas indicated that he struggles to maintain an erection and doesnt think he would be enough for me. I really like him and want to move the relationship foward but dont know how to approach the situation.

Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 4 years ago.
Thanks for the additional information. It helps.

It seems that he might feel insecure about his ability to have sex outside of this other relationship. It could be that he feels comfortable with this woman because she is fully aware of his situation, but once he considers going outside of this relationship, it frightens him enough that he cannot maintain an erection.

The best way to approach this is to talk to him. You both need to be on the same page in order to deal with this. He needs to agree that your relationship is moving forward and that he also wants that as well. If he does, then he needs to lose the other relationship and begin working on his dysfunction with you. In this case, since he can seem to have sex with this other woman, his issues appear to be psychological. If so, he may need the help of a therapist to overcome whatever is preventing him from being with you as you both want him to.

You can also help by encouraging him to share with you and being honest and open. The more you can bond emotionally, the easier it will be to address the sexual dysfunction.