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Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I am very sorry to know about this very concerning and distressful situation.
What should I do
What you described here is very concerning, since after four years in the relationship, your partner has directly told you how she feels about it, which seems to be very different from what you were expecting to hear, right?
Could you please tell me more about it? How do you feel about the core issues she mentioned int he relationship, and could you confirm that after avoiding talking more about it, she just told you to forget what she told you, expecting you to continue the same as before this incident?
Im heartbroken we have an 16month old baby together I don't want yo lose them both. But her telling me to forget what was said has just sent me into termoil my heads all ove the place
Well, if your long term partner tell you all these serious concerns about how she feels, I think it is essential for both of you to take the time to carefully re-evaluate your relationship, being totally honest, open and direct towards each other, so you could see how you could approach these serious issues, if both of you can and are willing to work on yourselves and together as a team, and what it would take to make those changes work.
I am sorry to know you have a baby while she feels the way she does. I can imagine why you may feel perhaps overwhelmed by these news, but only you know how it feels.
I'm trying my best shes so special to me I dont want to lose her
Avoiding to address this serious situation would never help, but undermine your relationship and family even more.
I know what do you think I should say to her or do to get her to open up to me
Has she just been imagining all these issues and irrationally believing they exist, or have you been having problems in your relationship consistent with her concerns?
You should be totally honest and open towards her, and in respectful, gentle and assertive ways tell her that you do want to support her and do your best to work on the issues that could have been affecting her and the relationship. That you can and are willing to take full responsibility for everything that depends on you and make necessary changes because you care and love her and your baby.
I dont know that one she said shrs been unhappy for several months now she has only started to show signs ie not talking and biting my head off at little things
Individual and couples therapy would be the best source of professional support for her to work on herself, on what she feels, needs and expects from this relationship, and to be able to benefit from coupled therapy, where you would work together on your communication, mutual understanding, intimacy issues and everything else requiring your attention.
Does it make sense?
Yea it does I just want her to open up to me
You should not push her, but also do not stay passive once you know she's feeling this way.
Then ask her what you can do to support her, to make her feel better, more comfortable, loved and supported, for you to work on that.
So your saying I should just walk away
Use all the knowledge and understanding you have about her, her personality, fears, strengths, weaknesses, longings and more, and focus on improving everything depending on you for her to feel you truly care and are doing your best for her and for your family.
No, I did not say that at all but the opposite,
Ok sorry im not getting the full message b4 I reply I get 1 part then after I reply the rest comes through
I have been saying that if you truly care about her and your baby, love her and want your relationship to work, that you should show it through concrete improvements in all the areas she said she does not feel happy nor fulfilled in your relationship.
No problem, I am here to support you as possible
Could you read my responses now?
Do you think I should buy her some flowers to show her how much she means to me then sit down and talk
Absolutely, everything you could do to show her not only through words, but specially through concrete and consistent actions that you love and care about her should be your number one priority now
Thank you im going to get her some now
She said she feels like a friend and not as a romantic partner, then you need to work on making her feel as a real romantic partner, who is truly loved, supported, understood, that you know about her core needs and expectations and do your best to fulfill them.
Having a baby for first time uses to be a tough experience for new parents, even more for women who go through may tough hormonal, physical and psychological changes, that's why a lot of support is necessary in order to effectively cope with these challenges and work on making things work the way you both need and deserve.
Please work on it and feel free to contact me if you have any further questions and to follow up, since I am here willing to support you as possible.
So this could be delayed baby blues as they call them
Sure, life is never the same at the personal and marital level for a woman after the first baby, some are much more vulnerable to the physical and situation changes and challenges they have to face because of it and that's why couples need to work on preventing these issues and addressing them as soon as they arise.
She has been holding these feelings for several months, and that has not helped for sure, that's why she could have felt more overwhelmed by them, but now that you know, you could take consistent actions to work on improving the relationship for her to feel fine, happy and fulfilled with it, more supported, understood and loved too.