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Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I am very sorry to know about this sad and frustrating situation.
Could you please tell me more about it?
yes I am very upset, I am currently training to be a nurse and I feel my my is bitter and jealous that I am almost complete
How was she being unreasonable , controlling and demanding, and what did you said to her?
I see, that's very sad and concerning.
I imagine that you have had other problem sin the past too related to jealousy or similar?
...other problems SINCE the past...
Three years ago, I was working for her in a elderly care home. I become very depressed and was in a dark place. she suggested that I do my nursing training that way I meet new people and got out the care home.
She never thought i was start let alone complete the degree.
I see, that seems very assertive
for the past year I have kept doing small tasks within that care home to help her out.
OK, then besides of being a full time student you have been supporting her there too.
However last week i went for a job interview which she asked why and I said to keep my options open (the deal was i would go back after the three years, my mum has finically supported me for the three years of the course.)
Then you agreed to complete the course and get back to work for her?
Yes to start with but i now have other options
with my career
That males sense, then she could feel disappointed or frustrated because of you not complying with your agreement to get back to work for her, right?
I suggest a compromise of working part time at the care home and in the hospital to keep up my skills.
which she didn't like
How was she able then to keep working these past three years without you? Didn't she have another person to support her, and couldn't she keep the same or get another one?
my bother works in the home to, so they have been able to run things without me and to my knowledge this has worked ok.
I think here there are a few main points: One was agreement to complete the course and get back to work for her, but apparently what motivated this plan was your need to rehabilitate from depression, to improve your life quality and she wanted to support you that? way, right? She was able to get another person to handle her work but now does not consider the chances you have because of having completed your education, which would guaranty further career growth, mental health and well-being too.
I see,a n that's why you truly believe she is jealous and does not want you to keep growing and become more independent?
Yes, that my feeling on the situation.
has she shown selfish behaviors in other areas in the past too? This seems inconsistent with her past willingnes to support you to get and feel better, supporting you the way she did.
Do you think this was a sudden change or rooted on past issues?
Was there any agreement about you paying back what she invested financially supporting you to take this course?
she has been very neglectful in the past, and I've always felt she was in competition with me, I think when i was working for her i would simple take what she would dish out leading to the depression and low self worth. I feel I have grown over the three years and she does not like it. At a recent family meal she told everyone she didn't need to take blood pressures she could tell by looking at people. She is very clever in her put downs and remarks.
no we did not have agreement on paying back anything she invested in supporting me.
Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX really seems to be as you describe here that even when she supported you financially, your relationship int he past while working for her was not good, and even led to your depression, and now that you have been able to rehabilitate and make significant improvements in your life, you can see with more clarity what is healthy and what is dysfunctional, what seems compatible with your core needs and expectations, and what would push you back into old patterns.
It is very sad to come to terms with such reality, but you can and should focus on taking good care of yourself, setting healthy boundaries and limits, and your offer seems fair and proactive, since she does have your brother's support and her situation would not get undermined or limited if it continues that way, while on the other hand, your possibilities for further growth would be deeply undermined if you do not invest and produce using what you have worked so hard for the past 3 years.
Ii think you woudl always be grateful because of her support to make and complete thsi course, but it shoudl nto be confused wiht any form of codependent t
Sorry I was saying: " I think you would always be grateful because of her support to make and complete this course, but it should not be confused with any form of codependent enabling of any form of manipulation, abuse or negative impact from her over you and your life in the present".
When I told her in the row she had made my mind up about not returning she threatened to commit suicide, which i was very shocked and upset about.
she said she was ill and I was a nurse and should know whats wrong with her
That's terrible! I am sorry to hear that, what shows how seriously disturbed her mood and personality could get, since this situation could never justify such a reaction.
It's obvious to me base don your story that your mother suffers of serious codependency, perhaps borderline personality traits-disorder and unstable mood. Now way to know for sure but through a direct assessment. But these behaviors are very graphic.
Allowing her manipulation and abusive ways, would only push you back not the same old pattern that led you into depression, just as you said, then I fully support you taking good care of yourself not falling into such dysfunctional circle. Obviously she needs psychological therapy to work on her serious mental-emotional-persoanlity problems.
I explained I was still in training and when we talked she never said anything about being ill, she is 55 and going through the menopause. she had always been a drama queen, she isn't on speaking terms with a number of family members. She has a partner (who I can not stand). She was home with him after I left and she called me I said to her it was late and why call about work when I had just left her home. She sent a load of abusive texts messages followed by a phone call. So i drove to her house to see what was wrong and she flew into a rage asking me to leave and never come back. She blamed me for my fathers death 5 years go, (they were divorce and i only saw my father a few times when they divorced before his death).
How do you suggest I deal with her?
I have wished in the past she was dead, as I feel like she is such a drain on my life. I'm sorry to say this but I feel she is not letting me grown up for live my life as I wish?
I am sorry to see it has been this painful and overwhelming for you, her behaviors are obviously very abusive, and could be traumatizing for most people in your shoes. there is nothing that could justify such behaviors.
I think you need to set and keep good boundaries and limits, obviously exposing to any form of abuse would never help but further undermine your health and life. As long as she continues to be this dysfunctional and abusive I do not see how any closeness to her could help you nor her at all.
Unless she gets necessary treatment and rehabilitates from all those serious issues/disorders and changes her behavior towards you, I think you need to keep away and only keep in touch or share if she allows it, but it should exclusively happen under mutual respect as the foundation for any possible healing and acceptable relationship, otherwise it would not work but enable further abuse.
I have tried in the past, I suggested to my partner that maybe I should go back to work for her so she doesn't feel abandoned but not have a mother and daughter relationship with her. I do feel like its me with the problem, I have two brothers who are estranged from me. The younger brother hasn't spoken to me for years, apart from a gesture of abuse in the summer, the other one flipped my desk over when i was working in the care home. so maybe its be with the issues. We all have very detached relationships my two bothers hardly talk, the younger one goes to my mum's very week and acts like a stroppy teenager he hasn't spoken to her in nearly three years. My mum and dad is leave us home alone from a very young age and as a result i feel we are feral children. I am very concerned for my younger brother as he is 30, lives in a hotel when working and returned to my mums. he does not appear to have any social life or friends.
I am very sorry, this does show very serious issues indeed impacting your lives from early age, leading to the present reality, which is obviously very unhealthy and sad, and I think it could never help you to get closer to her as long as she remains the same. Your brothers are adults and they need to take responsibility for heir own lives.
You could only offer support as much as possible, as much as they allow it, otherwise it would not work and hurt yourself while trying.
You have suffered very serious abuse and neglect for long time and that's why it could be this overwhelming, and makes sense all the issues you depict here.
Ok I undertands, do you have any coping strategies? I have tried in the past to keep away and not to get sucked in with her but i always seem to. My partner and I have agreed to avoid all family meals at her home as we both feel on edge but i tried to have a one to one relationship with he but this has not work either.
Please read and work on implementing strategies leading to promote assertiveness and eradicate codependency. There are excellent book that could guide you on it, but the best would be to join a support group and consider counseling or psychotherapy.
do you think we could every have a normal relationship? or will this pattern continue till something changes? How do you think she would take it if i suggested she needed some form of help. I think this may lead to more rage and her turning it on to me? I am very conscious of myself, do you think its me with the problem?
I do think the chances for this to significantly change to the point of you having a healthy and fulfilling relationship are very ow, because of the severity of her issues. She would require intensive long term treatment and hard work on herself, and I do not see she even is able nor willing to acknowledge her mistakes and abuse.
she seems to have a normal relationship with her partner (it seems anyone) so she is capable, is it she just doesn't want one with me?
That would show how manipulative and well aware she is of how unacceptable and abusive her ways are towards you, but even then, she chooses to perpetuate these patterns, and that's what makes of this situation much more serious and sad.
I think she could become even more angry and retaliate pointing at you as the abusive one. I do not believe she would take it as you wanting to help her at all, but I do believe you should suggest her to look for psychotherapy any way.
I think you suffer of self-esteem and sense of self-worthiness problems, and possibly codependency because of the tough life situations, neglect and abuse you have undergo, and there is where you need to focus, on further healing and growth, since that depends on you.
Ok, Thank you. I will look up your suggestions. Do you think she will ever be happy? I have tried to please her and make social suggestion such as shopping, movies etc but i seem to fall flat on my face each time. I feel I will never live up to her expectations and her being belittling about my nursing degree is proof I guess. Maybe its best to distance myself away from her now. Do you think she will try to re- engage me after asking tell me to leave her house? I did show her up in front of her partner (well he was upstairs listening) she almost slapped me last week during the row.
You're very welcome. No, I do not believe any person could be truly happy while keeping selfishness, resentment, abusive and manipulative ways in her heart and life, lack of accountability and unresolved issues like she does, even more when they distort personality like in her case and no rehabilitation process is even considered. An adult child should try to offer healthy affection and support, with healthy boundaries and limits, buy never tolerate or enable any form of abuse, since it would destroy both. trying to please a person's ego, when distorted and abusive would be self-sabotaging, very codependent, and destructive, so please focus on taking good care of what you can control.
I think she would retaliate emotionally and verbally with further abuse, but I hope I were wrong and that she allows herself to reflect on her ways and start to change.
Please feel free to contact me if you have any further questions and to follow up, since I am here willing to support you as possible. This is the direct link to my profile here: http://www.justanswer.com/relationship/expert-rafael-morales-toia/ You can directly contact me using this link, and make sure you state "For Rafael only" in your request for other experts to know you want me to reply, and I will respond in less than an hour most of the times.
Thank you for your trust.
Sorry is there a time limit on this service? I'm just trying to gain a full understanding of what i am going through
There is no time limit but it is expected that customers understand that experts have different questions and other customers waiting for our support. This is why I said you could always get back in touch with further questions and to follow up, and please consider counseling or even better,psychotherapy to work on improving insight and making concrete improvements around this situation.
Does it make sense?