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Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1386
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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My ex and I broke up mutually in October. Since then she has

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My ex and I broke up mutually in October. Since then she has moved to New York. I want to get her back and visited her recently hoping I could make something happen, but could not due to circumstances.

What can I do?

My name is XXXXX XXXXX I would like and try to help you. How was the visit when you went to see her in NY? What were the circumstances that got in the way?
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Have we spoken before? I have spoken to someone else here called Jen...


Anyway, it was nice to see her when I was there 2 weeks ago. In some ways I got more than I expected, sleeping in the same bed as her as opposed to on the sofa. So there was some cuddling in bed but nothing more. One night she held my hand at a dinner with a few of her friends, which I found surprising considering they all know I am her ex.


The main circumstances were that she was very busy most of the time during the day and besides a few breakfasts and lunches together, we didn't spend any time alone at night and we always had plans with her friends. So I didn't feel I got the opportunity to create a romantic atmosphere with her in an appropriate setting.


Since I got back we haven't spoken as much as I would have liked, but it is picking up little by little. I made the first move a few days after I got back to London and communication has been in short spurts since then. I got the feeling at one point I was annoying her just because she was either being unresponsive or sending me messages that were difficult to reply to.


Last weekend I sent her flowers (addressed to her and her roommate) to say thanks for letting me stay. She thanked me warmly but briefly.


I have drafted a letter to send to her telling her how I feel, but am in 2 minds about sending it. On one hand, it is just not something I like the idea of doing (so cheesy!!) and am worried about no response, or bad response. On the other hand, I really want to send it with the hope of a good response and to be able to have a conversation about where we could go from there, seeing as we live on either side of the Atlantic. Plus, I want to make sure she isn't going to start seeing someone else!!!


We broke up amicably in October, didn't speak for 2 months until I wrote to her for her Birthday and asked if I could see her for a drink. She said let's do dinner and we ended up doing that. After that, I saw her only once on the night before she left to NY. It was a nice long night with dinner and drinks and we talked our relationship through. After that was when I realised how much I still feel for her and began to think about getting back together with her.


There is no bad blood, but she brings up memories from the relationship a lot, however continually refers to me as her ex... She has even mentioned a girl in London we both know who she thinks I should go out with.


There is more I could tell you if we chatted.


But based on all that, what do you think my chances are?




I am actually a different Jen, but thanks for giving me the opportunity to help. Based on everything you explained it seems as though at worse you both have feeling for one another. I do not know if the distance is what caused the break up, but distance is something to consider since I do not know if either of you would want to be in a long distance relationship and if moving is a possibility. However, besides the issue of distance, which may cause complications since long distance relationships are difficult for anyone I think she may have feelings for you still. Her telling you to go out with a mutual friend could be her way of "testing you". If she did not want anything at all she would not have cuddled with you in the bed nor held your hand in public. These are signs that she still has feelings for you and the fact that you both are able to get along even under these circumstances shows that you both have a friendship. This is very important because the best relationships have a deep friendship and these are the lasting ones. In my opinion I really think that you should send the letter. We can all feel "cheesy" at times when we show our feelings, but that's part of opening up. I know rejection is hard, but my feeling in all situations is if we do nothing our answer is already "NO", so why not try and give it all we got. The worse that could happen is we won't get what we want, but that is the same thing as if we stood still and did nothing. However, by taking action we actually have a chance to get what we want. It is only fair to yourself and her to send the letter and let her know your feelings, so she can let you know how she feels. It is so scary to face the facts and sometimes we feel comfort in not knowing just to hold on to hope, but it takes a strong person to look for truth and accept it whether bad or good. If it is what we want to hear we can continue in that direction and if it is not then one can take the necessary steps to heal and move on. It really is best for everyone in either of the outcomes. So I would ask yourself if you truly are ready for anything from there you can then make the decision to send it or not knowing that if you do not send the letter you may never know as well as lose your chances all together since the distance between you is so great. Therefore it is not as simple as calling her for coffee and showing her your feelings naturally. Based on circumstances I think the letter is ideal. I do not know what caused the break up, but if anything has changed for the better I would include that in the letter as well for her to be aware. I wish you all the best and hope the outcome is in your best interest.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Thank you for such a balanced and well-thought response.


What caused the breakup was that I got scared a few months before because I felt so comfortable with her and could see myself ending up with someone like her. On the other hand, I wanted the opportunity to have some space and concentrate on my work and also to experience new things with other people. Because of this, I never expressed my feelings to her, as I was not sure myself and I distanced myself for a period which made her have second thoughts. Eventually it got to a point where she was upset and so I went round and talked with her, and ended up breaking up mutually.

I think that is what has allowed us to stay friends. She was living in London at the time, and a few weeks after our break up she went to NY to visit and decided to move there. She then told me she was moving when I took her out to dinner after her birthday in December. After new year's she moved.

I got the space I wanted, but not the experience, however all I know is what I feel at the moment.

What worries me is that I don't feel much desire on her end, but maybe it is because I am not manifesting much of my own desire, and rather just 'being friends' and talking every so often. Even though I sent the flowers and they were really just for her, not her roommate as well. But she must have known that right?

Would you agree? Several people have told me this is in my hands, and that if I manifest my desire, or at least express my feelings I can get what I want?

Thanks for explaining. Yes definitely. Your friends are correct! What you explained makes me that much more sure that you definitely need to send that letter and let your feelings be known. The fact is she never wanted to break up to begin with and she probably feels you are happy the way it is since you wanted space. In this case then you must let her know or she will never know. You may have been afraid due to the way you felt for her and needed that space. However, now you may have had the needed space and be ready. Somethings are good, but the timing is wrong. This may now be your time and would suggest you let her know ASAP. Because at this point even if she still has feelings for you she may try to push them aside due to her thinking that you may not be ready for a relationship based on the reason for the break up. Therefore she will not pursue further out of fear of rejection due to what happened. In her mind you do not want her and if you cuddle and send some messages she may be confused. Try and make it clear to her your feelings. I think the letter is perfect to express your feelings without interruption and make known why you are ready now. If she is hesitant I truly do not think it is because she does not want you. I think it may be because of fear of getting hurt again or the same thing happening. So you may want to expect some hesitance, but stay true and continue to show her your feelings the best you can even though distance does not help. In time she will see the consistency and build the trust of having a relationship with you again while understanding what happened and why it can be different now. This is if she shows any hesitance. There is always a chance she may not show any hesitance at all.

About the flowers I bet she knew it was mainly for her and you were being a gentleman by including her roommate since she does live there and was nice about you staying there.

I wish you the best and I have a good feeling about this. Also, in the future feel free to respond back to this thread or you can request me as well.
Jen Helant and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Thanks again for your great response.


I don't know, I really am getting the feeling that she feels and thinks she is better off where she is now and without me. Just by how happy she is in NY and hasn't given me any sign that she was really upset by the breakup at all. She even told me when I saw her before she moved to NY that after we broke up she went on a date with someone and that nothing happened. She said she couldn't even bring herself to kiss him... whatever that means. It does play on my mind a bit that she went on that date, although when I was in NY with her, I didn't really see any signs that she was interested in seeing anyone, whereas her friends were all talking about their boyfriends or guys they are seeing etc. But I worry about it happening and that maybe she is interested in people and has seen people since I left.


She also had an operation in February to remove a tumor from one of her ovaries. She is fine but I know it leaves an after effect and she has had a couple of infections and not felt 100%. So I wonder if she is holding back until she feels 100% again and looking to start seeing people then...


Where the relationship is concerned, I do think the timing was off completely. As for a potential rekindling, she is finishing her studies in NY and that ends in December, but she has been expressing a strong desire to stay on after and make a life there. I would consider moving there and have done several times in the past (I am a dual UK/US citizen), but I have a company here in London and would want to be sure that me moving somewhere would be beneficial and still work in the best interests of my company.

I understand your concerns and all of that is understandable, but it still comes down to letting her know how you feel. This would take out all the guess work and wondering what could have been. Many women choose to not show their pain especially to the person they feel does not want to be with them. Until she knows and understands how you feel it wouldn't be fair to judge her actions at this point in terms of that telling how she feels for you because she may be trying to move on based on the break up. Also, the fact that she told you she couldn't kiss the person may very well be a sign that she is not yet ready to start dating again. The fact that you are able to work things out with your company and she has the possibility of going back home shows that the distance part can be worked out one way or another. Take one step at a time and let her know how you feel then go from there. Try not to guess her feelings or think about why she may not want you. Just go for it. It will be the best way in the end. Then go from there with the rest!
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

I think if I was to be able to move there, it would have to be at least a year before I could make it viable.


Thought I would just copy the letter draft I wrote, see what you think.


Dear Anna,
I know this is really cheesy, but I have something I need to get off my (oversized) chest.

During my time recently in NY, it wasn't easy to do so due to circumstances, but I don't blame you for that. I had an amazing time with you (as always), and even though you had a lot going on, I still enjoyed every moment we spent together. Even if I may not have showed it at times, I truly did. Just being able to lie next to you in bed, fall asleep next to you and wait for you to wake up the next morning was something worth coming for.

(Next cheesy paragraph, ready?)

I have done a lot of thinking over the months since we called it a day on our relationship and it wasn't until the night I saw you before you left for NY, that I realised how much I really do still care about you. Now, I can no longer ignore those feelings.

There wasn't much I could do about things then, and there is still not a lot I can do about it now either. I still maintain that where you and I are concerned, the timing was off. When I realised that for the first time, was when I truly felt how much it actually mattered to me.

Each time I have seen you more recently has felt like the first time we met. I still see the same (highly) intelligent, interesting, funny, sweet and beautiful girl that I met that night, not to mention cute. I miss everything about you and our relationship. Even down to being outsmarted by you, being made fun of and our silly miscommunications we sometimes have. You are the best thing that happened to me in a long time, and even in differences, I cannot help but maintain the feelings I have for you.

As you know, I am not always the best at expressing my emotions and that is the only thing I regret not doing while we were together. I never meant to make you feel I was taking you for granted or that I didn't care where and when things were going wrong. I can admit that I made mistakes and would do anything to change them. With all that, I will say again how happy I am for you at how well you are doing with the changes you have made.

Like you said while I was visiting, that you appreciate the little things. I do too. Just to be able to make you smile and share laughter with you is enough to make me happy.

Your positivity is radiant and I don't think I could have done what I have done in the time since we met if you hadn't been around me. Even without saying much, you have been a constant source of inspiration for me, someone I regard as an equal and a true friend. Last year was a big transition for me and I feel now that I have laid the foundations to build on for the rest of my life. Now I feel much more comfortable with where I am and far more settled. The only problem is that I feel something big is missing from the equation.

Anyway, however you receive this, I want you to know that I really do love you whatever the future brings. You truly deserve all the success and happiness coming to you and I would do anything to be a part of that. I don't know what will come from this, or where to go afterwards, but all I know is that I had to share it with you.

Words can only say so much, and please believe me when I tell you that I cannot simply justify here how I honestly feel.



Another part of me wonders if I should just wait until the next time I see her and see what happens then. She mentioned that she would be passing through London at some point on her way back from Sweden (she is Swedish). She knows the offer to stay with me is open and I would welcome it.

With the hand holding... It was strange how that happened and unexpected. It was only once and sitting down at a hotel bar with 4 of her friends. She held her hand out at me and I playfully slapped it, but when I took it she just kept holding for a bit... The cuddling she kept initiating whenever we did cuddle. She would make a face and a little motion to me and I think we fell asleep cuddling one night which was nice.
I think the letter is wonderful. The only thing I would do is make it clearer that you do want to be with her ( if that is what you want). You are telling her how you feel about her, but it still leaves a little confusion as to what you are wanting, such as do you want to be back together or do you just realize these feelings, but are happy where you are at. This is what I would try to make clearer. Also, the very first sentence of the letter was a little confusing, so I would fix that. Lastly, when you wrote " you feel something big is missing from the equation" are you implying it is her because if you are I would make that clearer. Other than that I think it is very heartfelt and you are showing her how much she means to you.