I think if I was to be able to move there, it would have to be at least a year before I could make it viable.
Thought I would just copy the letter draft I wrote, see what you think.
I know this is really cheesy, but I have something I need to get off my (oversized) chest.
During my time recently in NY, it wasn't easy to do so due to circumstances, but I don't blame you for that. I had an amazing time with you (as always), and even though you had a lot going on, I still enjoyed every moment we spent together. Even if I may not have showed it at times, I truly did. Just being able to lie next to you in bed, fall asleep next to you and wait for you to wake up the next morning was something worth coming for.
(Next cheesy paragraph, ready?)
I have done a lot of thinking over the months since we called it a day on our relationship and it wasn't until the night I saw you before you left for NY, that I realised how much I really do still care about you. Now, I can no longer ignore those feelings.
There wasn't much I could do about things then, and there is still not a lot I can do about it now either. I still maintain that where you and I are concerned, the timing was off. When I realised that for the first time, was when I truly felt how much it actually mattered to me.
Each time I have seen you more recently has felt like the first time we met. I still see the same (highly) intelligent, interesting, funny, sweet and beautiful girl that I met that night, not to mention cute. I miss everything about you and our relationship. Even down to being outsmarted by you, being made fun of and our silly miscommunications we sometimes have. You are the best thing that happened to me in a long time, and even in differences, I cannot help but maintain the feelings I have for you.
As you know, I am not always the best at expressing my emotions and that is the only thing I regret not doing while we were together. I never meant to make you feel I was taking you for granted or that I didn't care where and when things were going wrong. I can admit that I made mistakes and would do anything to change them. With all that, I will say again how happy I am for you at how well you are doing with the changes you have made.
Like you said while I was visiting, that you appreciate the little things. I do too. Just to be able to make you smile and share laughter with you is enough to make me happy.
Your positivity is radiant and I don't think I could have done what I have done in the time since we met if you hadn't been around me. Even without saying much, you have been a constant source of inspiration for me, someone I regard as an equal and a true friend. Last year was a big transition for me and I feel now that I have laid the foundations to build on for the rest of my life. Now I feel much more comfortable with where I am and far more settled. The only problem is that I feel something big is missing from the equation.
Anyway, however you receive this, I want you to know that I really do love you whatever the future brings. You truly deserve all the success and happiness coming to you and I would do anything to be a part of that. I don't know what will come from this, or where to go afterwards, but all I know is that I had to share it with you.
Words can only say so much, and please believe me when I tell you that I cannot simply justify here how I honestly feel.
Another part of me wonders if I should just wait until the next time I see her and see what happens then. She mentioned that she would be passing through London at some point on her way back from Sweden (she is Swedish). She knows the offer to stay with me is open and I would welcome it.
With the hand holding... It was strange how that happened and unexpected. It was only once and sitting down at a hotel bar with 4 of her friends. She held her hand out at me and I playfully slapped it, but when I took it she just kept holding for a bit... The cuddling she kept initiating whenever we did cuddle. She would make a face and a little motion to me and I think we fell asleep cuddling one night which was nice.