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Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I am very sorry to know about this concerning and frustrating situation.
You're very welcome
Could you please tell me what's your age and for how long has your mother been abusing you this way?
I'm 34 and she has been like this all my life, she is really pushing me to my limit
I really don't want her in my life anymore but I feel that this is wrong cause she is my mother
Also for how long has your mother been drinking and how often, leading to this or to any other issue?
She has always been a drinker, I feel she uses this as a way to express her emotions which I get the fall out.
I am very sorry to hear that. I must say that there is nothing that could justify any form of abuse, neglect or manipulation, especially if they come from your own parent.
she has a partner and two sons but she doesn't vent at them from what i see her play the perfect partner/ mother role with them. However she vents at me she really is awful awful awful
Then she may have alcoholism, which is a very serious addiction, and the denial, avoidance and lack of accountability you seem to have described here, are typical issues people with addictions present.
I am also supposed to be going back to work for her in june and this is really stressing me out. So she controls my life finically which I hate
I see, then I think you have been self-sabotaging when telling yourself you must take her abuse because she is your mother. I believe that is a distortion of what healthy and acceptable love and relationships between child and parent should be.
Every time you allow anybody, including a parent to use, abuse, control, neglect or manipulate you, you are literally enabling and empowering her abuse
How do I manage her? every time I try and get way she finds a away back in.
I feel awful about the whole situation
I really hate her right now and she has no idea what i am feeling
She would not stop unless you change your approach, since in fact she has no real power to do that, but when codependency undermines your ability to take good care of yourself, set healthy and clear, necessary boundaries and limits, they you enable her abuse and she would not stop.
Yes we have been doing this whole cycle for my whole life. She is awful to me but she will do a grand gesture and use me as a emotional punch bag when she needs to vent.
You need to start being totally truthful with yourself and honest towards her, confronting any destructive-abusive behavior, setting limits and boundaries so not to perpetuate any unhealthy and codependent behavior-dynamic between you.
I've tried confronting her and she denies everything to the point of lying to me and making all the rows seem like my fault which I know they are not
Then please look for professional individual counseling and join a codependency support group in order to work on rehabilitating from codependency and learning how to effectively respect and take good care of yourself, cope with these challenges and build necessary boundaries and limits in your relationship.
I've tried setting boundaries but she doesn't listen, she even turns up at my house uninvited and tries to take over. she is very controlling of my life.
I want to have a normal mother and daughter relationship but nothing is working. She is vile to me.
Sure, and she will continue doing the same as long as allowed /enabled by you, expecting this situation to significantly improved hoping she would just change that much is unrealistic, it would not happen because of her addiction, and very possibly the mood and personality problems she may have developed because fo the serious chronic issues you have described here.
That's awful. Then please do not delay getting necessary support to work on yourself and from there on your relationship with her.
I always seem to come to a block when trying to get answers to her behaviour.
Boos like Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself
http://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1392134387&sr=8-1&keywords=codependent+no+more could help in the process, but cannot replace therapy nor a group support group to actually work on yourself and necessary changes in your life.
she is the loving mother to her two sons and awful boyfriend but abusive to me. Why?
Right, that happens because you seem to have developed a serious codependency problem, enabling her abuse and manipulation even more.
Because of her addiction/s, mental and personality disorders that use to be present when a person deepens these destructive ways for so long, being enabled in the process.
Here you have a directory of local support groups fr codependency: http://www.coda-uk.org/?page=all
mental and personality disorder? such as. This cycle has go on for so long its normal for her? do you feel she has any empathy towards me and how i feel about her?
If you truly want to change your life for better, to take full control of it without any form of abuse or manipulation, then you need to start taking consistent actions with the right support, taking full responsibility for your own rehabilitation process, so for your own feelings, choices and actions, in that way your mother won't be able to perpetuate her abuse.
I worry her actions will increase and she will become even more controlling/abusive.
Alcoholism and codependency are very serious chronic disorders, and for a mother to use and abuse a child from young age into adulthood shows serious mental and perosnality dissorders besides the addictions
Absolutely, it would be unrealistic to believe this situation would not get worse, it would get worse with time unless you decide to start working on taking good care of yourself, rehabilitating from codependency with necessary support.
why me and not her partner or her other sons? why me?
I do not know, most times the most vulnerable, easy to manipulate child is the one used and abused by a parent with these serious addictions-disorders. Then if the child becomes an adult and develops codependency, enabling the abuse, it becomes a destructive visicous circle that could go on for many years.
Ok I see that, I am/was the closest to her but now she is a cancer in my life.
Absolutely, that's a very accurate way to describe it.
Ok, I think managing her will be a life long issue for me
But she has no real power to use and abuse you anymore. When you were a child you had no choice, but now as an adult, you do, so you need to take your power back and start taking good care of yourself. It won;t be easy but it is necessary and absolutely worthy.
Ok I will try to star focused when around her!
That's why I am telling you that this is not something you just need to think about and hope for it to get better, you need to actually commit to work on yourself and your rehabilitation process from codependency with psychotherapy and a good support group, if you really want to change your life for good.
I truly hope you reflect on my words and take consistent actions with the right support, for you to heal and build the life that you need, long for and deserve.
Please consider reading books like the one I just mentioned before, and review information posted at previous website.
Feel free to contact me if you have any further questions and to follow up, since I am here willing to support you as possible.
Thank you for your help.
You're very welcome. You can contact me using this direct link to my profile http://www.justanswer.com/relationship/expert-rafael-morales-toia/, just make sure you state "For Rafael only" in your request, for other experts to know you want me to reply, and I will respond in less than an hour most of the time.
Thank you for your trust. Take gentle care and consistent action.
Bye for now.
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