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I need help please! I have been seeing M since 1 February and we are completely in love. Neither of us have felt love like this before. I was married 24 years up until three years ago. My ex was quite domineering. I had a volatile relationship for the past two years. My girlfriend used to get drunk and abuse me. usually verbally. Eventually I had enough and we split. M left her alcoholic , abusive and lying husband for me. we don’t live together but spend as much time together as possible. We became lovers 1 February. There was no commitment from either side. In the early few weeks I had a one night stand. It was 21 February. Drunk stupid one off. I kept quiet about it and have been suffering huge guilt since. We both soon realised how deep our love was for each other and have even been planning the future. Last week it came out something had happened. M kept questioning me and I eventually told her but I said I had only snogged this girl and nothing else. She asked me if we had had sex. I said no. She got upset and stormed off. Half an hour later she came back and told me she had had a one night stand on a holiday the weekend before last. She was gutted and devastated and angry upset with herself. She had the same excuse/reasons as me. she doesn’t really know why but she says she will never repeat this. I cried and got upset. No shouting or nastiness. But I made her feel bad because she had wronged me. I still didn’t tell her I had been unfaithful even though she gave me another chance to confess. I was afraid she would end it as she was so angry about just a kiss. I stupidly denied again I had sex with the girl. Last night I told her the truth. What upset her most were my lies. And the fact I had let her feel so bad about her fling for a few days before coming clean. I have also told a few “white “ lies in the past and am trying to understand why I do this. I just get scared when I'm backed into a corner and end up lying out of it We met today for a coffee and I let M say her piece with no defence or interruptions. I have apologised. Suggested counselling but she feels only three months doesn’t justify this. I disagree. We had something so strong. Love like neither of us had ever felt before. M is 50 I’m 48. We knew each other from school and were good friends there. We met again after 30 years and became friends and eventually fell in love. M had wanted to divorce her husband for years but didn’t have the strength. After seeing each other for 3 weeks she asked her husband to leave. He has since tried to stab me, smashed up her bedroom in anger. He has calmed and is going to aa but still blames me for the breakup. M feels she doesn’t know who I am and I don’t think she wants to try again. She says she doesn’t know at the moment so I have left her to think about what she wants. How can I prove myself to her again. Not the one night stand as we both believe we will never repeat that. Its not in our nature. How can I get her to give me the one chance we need to make this work? Shaun
Hello Shaun, You gave a lot of detail which is great. If I miss responding to something please let me know! It definitely sounds like you have strong feelings for this woman and it seems that there is chemistry between you both. I have to commend you both on coming clean about things that have happened since you began seeing each other. Regardless of when it came out, it did. That is not an easy thing to do at all but needed to for this relationship to heal if it were to continue. This is really hard work for you both. When we are hurt by someone we love and care about it is what we call an emotional injury. Just like physical injuries they take time and care to heal. When trust is broken it will take time to build that trust again. You both have a history of being hurt in past relationships (although different hurt) which could be part of what you both are dealing with in this situation if that makes sense. There is never a time frame of when it is too early in a relationship to seek counseling. If she is willing or you think you could talk her into it I think that would help you both a lot. As far as how to let her give you another chance, that is tough because only she can decide that. What you can do to show that you are committed is talk to her about it. Be honest in how you feel that this is worth saving and that you are willing to work on building that trust back up again. Even bring up how she would know that you are making efforts, what things you could do to start building trust. Proving you can be trusted will take time and sometimes will be frustrating for both of you but as I think you know, it will be worth it. The only thing is she has to be willing to try. The only thing you can do is really open up to her that you are willing to do what it takes. If she is not willing to start testing out things with you then it may be time to let go. But hopefully the communication with her will help. You did a really great thing and very hard thing by allowing her to express how she felt without being defensive and just listening. Just keep doing things like that but express yours as well. I hope this helps a little and please let me know if there is anything else I can do to help!
Hi thanks for the reply. what you says makes perfect sense but she is still having trouble with trusting me because i lied. I just hope we can make this work. Is there anyting else I can do to help her believe I can be trusted again?
I've told her she can have complete access to my email, facebook account, phone. anything! I want to hide notung from her and let her know this
It really sounds like you are doing all you can to be open and willing to work on things for her and the relationship. Being that open with yourself is a really big step and shows that you are making effort to her that you are trustworthy. Trust is such a hard thing to gain back and takes a lot of time. I wish I could give you a for sure way to gain that trust back quicker but it's just a hard process once there was hurt involved. You are doing a great job in letting her know that you are wanting the relationship and are willing to do what it takes to gain that trust back. Just keep doing what you are doing, reassure her when she has doubts and also make sure you take care of yourself in the process!
thanks. it is too late though. I keep telling stupid lies to cover up what I did. because I am afraid. Because i think if she found out all the truth she would end it. too late I think. I've lied too much :(
Since this I had a session with a hypnotherapist and healer. i know her well as she trained me to be a reiki master. she has spoken with my inner self and got me to stop lying. Now I have to convince my GF i am good. we are still seeing each other but she seems to be taking the upper hand. we both cheated of course. but because i lied too she is making more of my infidelity than hers. is this fair? I really do want is to stay together. I drove a 7 hour round trip to see this therapist today!
Well it is awesome that you are taking all these steps to better yourself in the process. It will benefit your relationship if it continues, but even more so it will benefit you as a whole. It is fair that she is struggling with the lies. Infidelity breaks trust. Lying does as well. When there is both occurring she is going to struggle with not knowing what is truth. It sounds like she isn't making more of your infidelity but it's more about the lies regarding it. Infidelity hurts both partners and you both have went through that. The lies though compound the injury which it sounds like she is stuck on if that makes sense.