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therapist325, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 100
Experience:  Licensed Professional counselor with specialized training in relationships.
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Hi, in October last year I begun an affair with a much older

Customer Question

Hi, in October last year I begun an affair with a much older gentleman. He was very attentive at first sending up to 25 text messages a day all very romantic and sometimes quite saucy. He wined and dined me and was the perfect gentleman. We soon talked about me leaving my husband and him meeting my daughter. For the first 2 months we were all over each other and became very intimate but then overnight after coming very close to having penetrative sex he did a complete uturn on me and backed right off. It hsad become apparent that the guy had an erectile dysfunction problem and I dont know why he wouldn't just talk to me about the problem. Anyway he asked if we could slow things right down and go back to just kissing. Eventually my husband discovered the affair and yhey had an altercation. Tht night I didnt want togo home so this guy paid for us to stay in a hotel. However, he slept on the sofa and wouldnt touch me. Also the hotel was only a mile from his home but he didnt want me there and couldn't explain why. About a week later he ended the affair saying that he just wanted us to be friends. A few weeks later I found out that he had been meeting women out of newspaper ads and that he hadn't managed sex with them either. We have tried to stay friends and arranged to meet a couple of weeks ago but I cancelled because Im still in love with him and find it too hard to just be friends. I cant bear the thought of him with other women. I have tried hard to make things work with my husband but my feelings for the other guy are so strong. On top of that my friend sent him a letter telling him he had treated me badly and needed to sort himself out. I am avoiding the guy at the moment and dont really know what to fo next. Please help its all I can think about.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  therapist325 replied 3 years ago.

therapist325 :

The feelings that come up during affairs are complicated, strong and difficult. The pain and hurt from a break up can be so difficulty and consume your thoughts which makes it harder. I think you are doing a really good thing right now by avoiding him. He doesn't seem to be able to give you the things you want and need in a relationship. I am not talking about the erectile dysfunction, but more he is not emotionally dedicated to you because he has been seeking other women while you were together and since then. At this point I think you need the time away from him to figure out your emotions and figure out what you need. As far as your husband, I think you need to look at what made you step out of the marriage and is that something you think you both could fix. Is he willing or are you willing to go into couples counseling to look at how to mend the relationship if that is the route you want to take. I encourage you to work through the feelings and thoughts you are having and mainly take care of yourself first, which I know is easier said than done. But regardless you need to make sure that either man is able to meet your wants and needs so that whatever relationship you end up in will be one that is satisfying to you. Does that make sense?