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TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5928
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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For several years my husband has been taking a weeks holiday,

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For several years my husband has been taking a weeks holiday, plus weekends a few times a year. At first he lied who he was going with but two years ago
Lfound out he was going with a friend ( female).
I told him last year to leave but he says he can't and doesn't want to live with her.
It's happened again and he is going to Portugal this Friday for a week. I keep asking why but he cannot give me an answer and then just acts normally. We have not had a physical relationship for about eight years now. He is pleasant and kind but the situation is slowly killing me. How do I end this torture?
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

It sounds like your husband has undermined your trust by lying to you and going behind your back with this woman. Trust is the foundation of a marriage. When it is shaken the marriage can suffer. Going away with is woman is basically taking the trust out of your marriage and forcing you to deal with his behavior.

In order for you to heal from this, your husband needs to be willing to admit to what he has done and take full responsibility. If he is not willing to do this, it will make it very hard to trust him again.

He also needs to stop contacting this woman all together. No seeing her or talking to her in any way.

He also must be willing to answer any questions you have about what happened without getting upset with you for asking.

Your husband also needs to make his records including his cell phone calls open to you. This is a temporary step to help you regain your trust in him. Because if you suspect he is doing anything and he cannot prove he is not, you will not be able to trust him.

It is important that the two of you see a therapist. You need to work out how you feel about what happened and he needs to learn how to stop going behind your back and earn your trust again. He also may want to explore what caused him to act as he did and how to stop it from happening in the future.

To find a therapist, talk to your doctor about a referral. You can also search on line

It also helps to use resources to learn new ways to connect to each other and heal from this issue. Here are some resources to help you get started:

Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Shirley P. Glass and Jean Coppock Staeheli

Transcending Post-infidelity Stress Disorder (PISD): The Six Stages of Healing by Dennis C. Ortman

Also, consider forums as a way to connect with others who understand how you feel.

I hope this has helped you,

TherapistMaryAnn and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you