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Ask Rafael M.T.Therapist Your Own Question
Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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In a bit of a dilemma... There is a guy I have recently gotten

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In a bit of a dilemma... There is a guy I have recently gotten to know recently and I won't lie, I am starting to really like him. When we are alone we act quite coupley like we'll hold hands or he puts his arm around me or lay his head on my lap but when he talks to his friends on the phone he calls me his "friend", i'm confused about what we are or potentially can be... Plus the fact that we've slept together doesn't help. But recently he has booked a surprise holiday for us. I'm just confused by what he is signalling. Does he see me as a portential girlfriend or just a friend?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

it seems you feel distressed by not clearly knowing how this type of relationship is evolving.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Since you just started sharing the way you described it seems you are like friends with benefits, since he calls you his friend when around other people but have slept together and shows these there behaviors that imply romantic or sexual closeness.

Customer: Yea just don't know what me and the guy are. But I don't want to ask a ruin anything.
Customer: I see...
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If you feel comfortable being friends with benefits and are willing to afford like this, and see if and how it evolves, you could just continue the same. Just be very aware of tings, and realistic in your expectations, since this could go on the same for a while, evolve into a more romantic relationship, or change into friendship only.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Since you do not know this person well, there is no way to know about his level of honesty, maturity caring, expectations, issues and more. Only time through his actions at different settings and situations would gradually show you more about him.

Customer: Well... He's given me his mum's bracelet, booked us a holiday and opened up to me about his family... He's very caring and sometimes t protective
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

By now you know that he feels comfortable sharing with you the way he does as friends with benefits, and as long s you feel comfortable with that, able and willing to continue, it would be fine, but if you do not feel that way, then you would have to talk about it to find out. Your fear about "ruining" it if you talk, would make sense in cases when the other person is just willing to share the way he does without any form of commitment whatsoever. Once when the other person is truly serious and wants to work on building something based on mutual honesty, openness, and reciprocity, there is no forbidden topics, but openly talking about things become a core requirement to build a healthy and fulfilling relationship, or to work on finding out if both are compatible enough to make that work.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Those behaviors seem proactive pointing at deepening your relationship

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

let's see hoe well it evolves in the following weeks, it is already too soon to know, specially because you do not know this person and his life well enough yet, and much more sharing in real life situations and difficulties is necessary.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Many times shy people, or those who have had past negative experiences could avoid getting into any form of formal commitment, or formally acknowledge they are officilly dating.

Customer: Tat makes sense he's told me he's been hurt before. Plus he's going through a lot of terrible things now.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then I suggest you to be mindful, yourself and see how things evolve, trying to promote open and honest communication, for you to truly know each other better, otherwise you could enjoy time together, but since never being fully yourself, you would never know if this person really understand, respects, cares and supports you the way you are, knowing and supporting your values, needs and expectations. Then it could be the case, so no pushing at all, but working on building trust, open communication and mutual understanding could be the best approach. Everything else would be about time.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

As I said before, the times when you could know about somebody the most is when facing difficulties or life issues, then you would see much more about issues, fears, values, priorities, strengths and more. Thus as long as you feel comfortable with the way it is evolving keep working on it.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Does it make sense?

Customer: Good point....
Customer: I have to get going bout I will Dave this convo
Customer: Thank you for the advice
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Sounds good

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please feel free to contact me if you have any further questions and to follow up, since I am here willing to support you as possible.

Thank you for your trust. Take gentle care and consistent action.

Rafael M.T.Therapist and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

ok so this guy has kind of confused me now... we've been getting close, all his friends know of me, he's even invited me to his friend's BBQ. he says he cares massively for me, he tells me he loves me loads, we actually have deep conversations. but he's just said something that's

completely thrown me off. he's asked how many guys i've slept with since him. i said none, which is true and he hasn't slept with anyone either. when i asked him why he wants to know, he says he doesn't care he's just curious to know. so i don't know where i stand with him again! we act like a couple but the fact that he's said that makes he feel otherwise. i dunno what to do.