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Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1427
Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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Hi. Im in a relationship with my boyfriend for over a year

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Hi. I'm in a relationship with my boyfriend for over a year now. He's 38 and I'm 42. We were both married before and have children from our respective marriages. We had / have a really good relationship. However, he was still in contact with an ex girlfriend from just before me. They had an on off relationship for about 6 months whereby he said he didn't love her but they agreed (her wishes) to be 'f*^k' budddies. She was also there to listen to him after his marriage broke down 2 years ago. They remained friends though and I was fin with that. But I also knew she wanted him back. They are always texting and have seen each other without me. I started to hate her name being mentioned. and would start to feel physically sick at it.

The other night when he was putting his daughter to bed I (for the first time ever in any relationship) looked at his phone. It suggested everything I was dreading and the texts were highly sexual and inferred sexual contact recently. The language was crude and they talked about the BJ' she had given him one night she stayed over. Also sending him sexy pics of herself and he was calling her his sexatery...

I left leaving his phone open on the messages from her and sent one of my own and said it was her or me.

He rang to come back and talk which I did. He said he loved me. Was angry because I didnt communicate with him rather than snoop. He texted her there and then to say that I had looked at his phone and seems I'm the jealous type so he would have to stop all comms with her.

since then he has been out with all his mates and told them I was snooping. they asked if there was something to hide and he no way! I'm made out to be a pyschopath (which I'm not) and I get the gist from short conversations that they would dump me.

I'm have apologised endlessly for invading his privacy and said I would like to try work this out. As has he. He has said he will get over it but still is really angry. He cannot see at all what he has done wrong in this and has no empathy for me what so ever. In fact has said he couldn't care less that I was also hurting.

He has called me to chat over his meetings with his solicitor (his judicial separation is still pending). But other than nothing. We are to go to his friends for a bbq tomorrow night. When I asked him the plans he said there were none made. that he and his daughter were going over to collect their old bbq and bring it to seamus house early. No rush on me. I really dont want to go alone... even though he'll be there.

I feel sick.
Hello. I'm sorry he is putting you through this. While snooping is not the best thing to do in a relationship, you were suspicious and found what you feared. At this point, he is the one who is at fault here. You should stop apologizing and he needs to understand he has been cheating on you and this is unacceptable. You should not in any way accept this behavior. There is being the jealous type and there is justified suspicion. If I were you, I would consider leaving HIM. He is the one who has disrespected you and this relationship. It appears as though he enjoys having you apologize and making you feel like this is all your fault when in fact he is the one at fault here.
You need to stand your ground. Don't feel weak or let his buddies influence your feelings.
He needs to choose you and stop seeing her or talking with her at all. Even though he says he will, from what you say, his attitude shows otherwise. You both can work this out and I hope that you do, but he must take ownership of his part in all of this. Don't feel this is all on you and your need to fix it, he is the cheater here. Be the strong one. You snooped, you apologized for that, it's over. He needs to now do his part.
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