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Ask Dr. Paige Your Own Question
Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1427
Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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Hi, last year having not been intimate with my husband in over

Customer Question

Hi, last year having not been intimate with my husband in over two years I begun an affair with a man 14 years older than myself (I am 44 he is 58). A few months into the affair I realised that although this man paid attention to my sexual needs he never got a full erection. I managed to perform oral sex on him once with help from him but we never managed to have penetrative sex. As time went on I made a decision to leave my husband but at that time my husband discovered my affair and assaulted the gentleman I was seeing. I continued to see this gentleman for a few weeks before he suggested that we slow things right down. I asked him if he suffered from impotence and he denied it. At that time I discovered that this man had been meeting several women which he had met by him placing an advert in a newspaper. These women all live some distance from us. I was devastated by this revelation and cant understand his behaviour. He never managed to have sex with any of these women who are all a lot older than myself. I moved out of my marital home in march but financially can not keep paying rent and half my mortgage so im considering moving back home. I have tried dating my husband again and we have had sex but I cant get this other man out of my head despite how he behaved towards me. I met this man 8 weeks ago for a coffee and we talked and cleared the air. He still wouldnt admit to having a sexual problem but he suggested that we meet up again in a couple of months to see how we felt. We are due to meet on 11th August but one of him employees informed me that he now has a girlfriend who lives 3 hours away. I really dont know what to do. On one hand I have a husband who loves and adores me and wants to make our marraige work but on the other hand I have a man who I just cant forget about. What can I do?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 3 years ago.
Hello. You will probably never forget about this older man and you should not expect yourself to, that is the nature of life. You are going to have to make a choice and it is not going to be an easy one emotionally. If you want to make the marriage work with your husband, you need to focus all your energy on this and let the older man go. He is obviously not interested or able to have an exclusive relationship with you. You will eventually be able to let his memory fade, but it will take time. None of this is going to be easy. If you continue to wait for the other man to change, you will most likely be very disappointed. I would guess he does have some physical issues and in order to emotionally handle it, he denies it and then gets involved with as many women as he can to "hide" it for himself to deal with it. I don't see that relationship going anywhere further than what it has already been for you. If this is what you choose to deal with of course, that is your decision, but understand that it is as it is and not much will probably ever change. Do you want to feel the continuing disappointment of knowing he has multiple girlfriends ? The constant denial of his physical problems ? OR do you want to try to fix the difficulties in your marriage and take the chance of making it better than ever before ?
The conclusion is your choice of course. But it will not be an easy one and you will have a time of withdrawal regardless of what you choose.