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Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5334
Experience:  Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology helping with relationships
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Hi my name is***** am 27 years old I have been with my

Customer Question

Hi my name is***** am 27 years old I have been with my partner for 4 years and have a 6tear old son from a previous relationship last week she left me because I crashed my car drunk into another vehicle. She didn't leave me because if that, that was the final straw it's because I've had a drink problem and I have been mentally verbally and physically abusive towards me she said I was great when u was sober but I didn't really appreciate her she is a fantastic woman who has been great with my son she has a good job and we both come from good families. I didn't help her around the house much said nasty things and screwed up about 100 chances in the past 4 years promised I wouldn't drink again but slipped back after a few weeks. She's heard me say I'll change so many times and given me so many chances but now she's left me and seem happy by her updates on social media etc she blocked me but I check on my mothers profile, she said she will not give me another chance again because she will always resent me and always have the fear I will drink, because I have promised her that I will stop as this has been a massive wake up call I've text her loads and phoned her begging her but she said she can't she just wants space and time to concentrate on herself and her family and wants to find herself again I have made her I'll, she said if I loved her is let her go, she said she will be my friend and dissent hate me, I didn't contact her for 3 days and she text me just saying I understand you're back living with your parents now you can have the TV (which I bought) from the bedroom I said no can you keep it until I get a place if my own she said ok, her parents said they want her to cut all ties with me, and her family wouldn't let her get back with me they'd all be telling her you're better off etc. I am going to give up the drink and become a nicer person from my son and my family but I want her back so bad but had so many chances I've drained her and she's given up what do I do?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 3 years ago.

Hi Nathan! I'll be glad to help you with this issue.

I can imagine how frustrating this situation must be for you. You are clearly committed to making changes in your life. And that's great. But she is not believing this commitment and her family also does not believe this commitment.

Your question of what to do is a good question and I'm very glad you're asking it. Because it's very easy to just give up and that might make your commitment to stop the alcohol and to change your behavior less strong. This would be a very bad outcome. So it's very important that you are asking what you can do.

The answer is that you have to do two things:

First, you have to do those things that show your commitment to making the changes. And second, you have to be partient and keep doing those things and showing your commitment for a long time so that slowly she will see that you are serious and so that her family will not have such a strong case that she should cut off all ties with you. This is very important: you have to be patient and show that you are sticking to these changes.

You see, you know inside yourself that you have commitment. But she isn't able to see inside of you. She can only see you from your behavior, from your actions. And so you have to show her through your actions that you are committed. And that will take time for you to stick with them so she sees that you are committed.

One of the most important things you can do is to show her your commitment to stop using alcohol. The best way to show her is to start going to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings and to keep going to them. You can even get signed cards from them showing you have attended the meetings that you can send to her. They have groups in most areas.

Now, not every group is going to be right for every person. So if you start with a group that you don't like, that's not a reason to give up! Go to a different meeting or branch. Right? Here's the website for AA in the UK. They list meetings there and have phone numbers for you:

Another way you can show her your commitment is to take anger management courses or to join support groups for abusive husbands/partners. This will also show her your commitment in a real way. And that is what you need to do, to show her through your actions that you are truly committed to making these changes.

Okay, I wish you the very best!

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