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TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5928
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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Hi My boyfriend and I have been two years together. We love

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My boyfriend and I have been two years together. We love each other. Sometimes we argue for small things, because I say what I think, but he does not seem to enjoy talking about relationship issues.
He is quite stressed lately, with the result that our sex life has lower a lot...When we started we use to spend weekends together, and maybe we would have sex even the two days (like 3 days in a row, or sometimes 3 times per week).
Since we live together this has changed a lot, and I feel like he is not being really romantic or sexually active. I know he is passing through a lot at work, but this is being happening for months ,and there is no sign that he is going to quit his job soon.
I am frustrated and sometimes feel undervalued, because things has changed so much that I am afraid of becoming a housewife without sexual life (at the second year of relationship!)
Can you give me suggestions about how to deal with this problem, without been desperate or pushing him to do something he doesnt want to?
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.
When there is an issue with sexual desire, the first step is to rule out anything physical that could be wrong. Talk to your boyfriend about seeing his doctor to rule out any reason why he would not desire sex. It could possibly be a testosterone issue or ED (you do not say what age your boyfriend is but these issues can appear at any age, even though they are more common with older men) and the doctor can provide ways for him to increase his hormone level so his desire comes back. It is possible that your boyfriend does have a physical issue and either is fearful of addressing it or feels embarrassed to do so.
However, if there is no physical issue found, then your boyfriend's issue is most likely emotional. Possible reasons for a lack of sexual desire are depression, anxiety, certain medications, stress or trauma of some sort. To find out why your boyfriend does not desire sex, it would be helpful for him to have an evaluation by a mental health therapist. The therapist can do an evaluation to determine if there is an emotional reason and if so, what to do about it. Therapy can be very effective with addressing sexual issues. His stress could be due to his work or it may be something related to your relationship. Sometimes people harbor resentment they don't express verbally and it ends up showing itself in other ways, such as lack of sex drive or motivation to do the things they used to do.
In the meanwhile, talk to your boyfriend about how you feel. Do not ask him for sex but instead just talk. Tell him that you are feeling unwanted and ask him what he feels is going on (besides his job). See if he is willing to talk to you about other possible reasons. Also, talk to him about other ways he can show you affection until the issue around his sexuality can be resolved. Find ways to be closer and show your love for one another. This may trigger his sexual desire and help him connect with you. Try asking him to do small things to express his feelings about you. He may feel that because you live together that he no longer needs show affection as much. But it is now that is even more important since it is easy for your lives to become mundane.
Also, ask him if it is possible if both of you try. Take it one step at a time. Learn as much as you can about rekindling sexuality. Here are some resources to help you (these are both about marriage but they also apply to a relationship):
Wanting Sex Again: How to Rediscover Your Desire and Heal a Sexless Marriage by Laurie Watson
The Sex-Starved Marriage: Boosting Your Marriage Libido: A Couple's Guide by Michele Weiner Davis
The more you know, the more tools you have to help your relationship.
I hope this has helped you,
May I please request that if you find the service I provided helpful at all that you rate me with three or above? Your rating is the only way I am reimbursed for my answer. Thank you so much!
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