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Ask TherapistMaryAnn Your Own Question
TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5963
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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Hello ,I was wondering how I can control my jealousy..Iv been

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Hello ,I was wondering how I can control my jealousy..Iv been with my partner 5 years and live with me for 2 years ,when he move in I was under the impression we would be at the stage where he would marry me one day as I truly believe once people live together they don't get married as they are living as a married couple without commitment sign of marriage yet even though he says he stuck with me.this is making me insecure and in the past he was quite a flirt with people.hes not very good at telling me he love me I hear thoses words once every couple of months ,he doesn't agree saying it all the time as you can over use it .I just don't want to feel jealousy .i think when he's talking to other woman he tempted that what triggers me feeling like this ,he said he not temped destroying our relationship ,I don't think would cheat ..he does think I don't trust him it causing problems ,do you think I can be cured of my jealously.nicola
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.
It sounds like this is less about jealousy and more about what your partner is saying and doing to you. In a loving relationship, one partner should not be telling the other that they went on a business trip and was "tempted". That is naturally going to bring up jealousy. Add to that the fact that he resists telling you he loves you, refuses to consider marriage and talks to other women, all without being sure that your feelings are put first. Given how he has treated you, it is very natural to feel jealous. He continually implies through his actions and his words that he is on the edge of cheating on you. leaving you unsure of what he will do which creates lack of trust. That is not a good way to act in a relationship.
The first step in dealing with what you are feeling is not to consider yourself jealous. You are reacting naturally to what your partner is doing. Any person would feel the same emotions. So instead of seeing this as something you are doing wrong, try to work with your partner to change how he treats you. Let him know that what he says and does makes it sound like he does not care for you first in his life, which is something he needs to change. He must put you first, and you him, in order for the relationship to work. Otherwise, all you basically will have is insecurity and no trust for as long as you are together. No relationship can last when a partner ignores the other persons needs.
If your partner refuses to address his issue, then you might need to suggest counseling. He might need to hear from someone who is objective that his behavior towards you is hurtful and is creating issues between you.
However, if he refuses counseling, you may need to go on your own. You deserve the support and the opportunity to talk through what actions you can take to make this relationship work or to end it, if needed.
I hope this has helped you,
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Customer: replied 3 years ago.
A lot of theses problems was at the start of the relationship in the first 18 month thing are much better now ,he does say he wouldn't cheat and I think he not proposed because I cannot put earlier months beside me and still feel insecure of the start of the relationship he said how could we get married if I don't trust him
If you feel that the jealousy is your issue, then there are steps you can take to deal with it.
The root of jealousy is insecurity. We feel we are not good enough when compared to others or even on our own. As a result, we feel threatened and rejected because we don't feel worthwhile and fearful that others will prove this through their actions, such as your fear that your partner will leave and that you are not good enough. There is a sense of shame that we carry as well, as if we are to blame for not measuring up.
Jealousy usually comes from childhood where in some form or another we were either made to feel bad about ourselves (through abuse, neglect, etc) or there was trauma of some sort that provoked feeling insecure.
To address your situation, you may want to start learning more about your feelings of insecurity and how you can address them so you can see this situation more clearly. Therapy is a great way to address how you feel and get to the root of it. To find a therapist, talk to your doctor. Or search on line at
You can also address your issues through self help. Here are some resources to help:
Relationship Saboteurs: Overcoming the Ten Behaviors that Undermine Love by Randi Gunther
The Courage to Trust: A Guide to Building Deep and Lasting Relationships by Cynthia Lynn Wall LCSW and Sue Patton Thoele
TherapistMaryAnn and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you