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Ask TherapistMaryAnn Your Own Question
TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5968
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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Hi, It's been nearly 2 months since I broke up with my ex.

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It's been nearly 2 months since I broke up with my ex. I've been trying to move on really hard but all I keep thinking is us trying again. My heart is saying to keep fighting for it but my mind is saying no bcos i don't want to get rejected again.
Couples weeks after we broke up I did all the bad things you shouldn't do after the break up, I begged him to give us another chance, I wrote him long letters. What we broke up for was due to him sexting a girl for 2 days which is still cheating. But I want to forgive him bcos I know he wouldn't do it again. So I do want us to get past this but he just doesn't want the 2 times I have asked him.
But Something in me is saying keep fighting for it and I don't know why because I hate feeling like this and just don't want to get rejected again. What is your advice on this?
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.
Wanting to try again with your relationship is natural. No one wants to end their relationship and be on their own. Being with someone you know well and shared so much with makes you feel good. Leaving them and being on your own is lonely and difficult. Most people try to avoid a break up for exactly those reasons, even if the relationship is not working out and hurts them.
However, you have very good reason to stay away from your ex. Sometimes you can work out issues in a relationship. But your ex cheated, which is a good reason to end a relationship and to stay away. Cheating is a sign that your ex lacks commitment and that he puts his own needs first. That is always going to undermine any relationship he is in because it creates a lack of trust, which is needed for any relationship to survive and thrive like it needs to. You cannot be with someone who continues to put his own needs first and seeks out others instead of focusing on your relationship.
The only reason why you might try again with him is if he takes full responsibility for his actions and is willing to work on fixing them through therapy. So far, it does not seem he is willing to do so. But if he does have a change of heart and does contact you willing to seek help and make amends, then it is worth trying again. But if not, going back with him is setting yourself up for more heartache.
Instead, try to see this as a loss in your life and worth taking time to mourn. It hurts and it's very painful. It will take time to work through and heal. Get all the support you need and seek out therapy if you feel it is hard to cope. Talk about your pain with friends and family you trust. And most of all, take care of yourself. You deserve to focus on your own healing right now so you can move on and find a relationship that makes you happy.
I hope this has helped you,
May I please request that if you find the service I provided helpful at all that you rate me with three or above? Your rating is the only way I am reimbursed for my answer. Thank you so much!
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Yes, I know cheating is never an excuse I get that. But he only texted her for a day and a half, I saw the text. Sure he didn't fess up to it but when I found out about it he took responsibility of it and was sorry about it. I gave him another chance for that because I know people all make mistakes and I know he is not one to make it again or do anything like that.

But obv the few months that we tried again after I found out, we tried to make it work but I didn't heal i just jumped right back into the relationship after I found out which I know was bad. But we tried to make it work but I got paranoid, checking his emails texts which was stupid cos I said i forgave him. I really want to this to work. I mean at the time we broke up I had no life which I think had a big impact on why we were like that. I had no social life, no job, no money and my life was revolved around him. But few weeks before we broke up, I found a job and we both agreed it was going to be great for us. Since we will both have lives, but obv we both broke up and cant see where this new life will take us.

I wrote him this letter of how I really felt about him and tbh I know this sounds stupid but honestly I think he is the one for me. Like you just know, I mean I am only 20 and he was my first serious boyfriend. But I've dated many guys and its nothing like how it is with me and him.

Anyways back to the letter, I had a feeling I should write it to him and send it but Im undecided because of what he would say.

If you feel that you need to send the letter, then it is important that you do. Otherwise, you might regret not trying. The worst that can happen is that he decides not to respond. That leaves you where you are now. Yes, that rejection would hurt. But consider if you don't try. How would you feel? If you have an overwhelming sense that you have to try, then it is worth the risk. If he responds, you have the chance to try again. But if not, then you know it's time to move on. The only thing left is to deal with your feelings of insecurity in the relationship if you do get back together. Because if they bothered you then, before the break up, they will bother you again. So you might want to consider seeking therapy to help you work through your feelings.
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