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Ask Dr. Norman Brown Your Own Question
Dr. Norman Brown
Dr. Norman Brown, Marriage Therapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1207
Experience:  Family Therapist & teacher 35+ yrs; PhD research in couples
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Hi. Basically, my boyfriend is 27 and I'm 21. When we first

Customer Question

Hi. Basically, my boyfriend is 27 and I'm 21. When we first got together, he was 24, and we had sex like 2 times a day. He made me feel so good about myself. Now being together for 3 years we're very much in love but since a year into the relationships, maybe even before,the sex just isn't really there... Maybe once every 2 weeks, and he is normally drunk or tipsy. He drinks lots anyway working as a chef, we both enjoy a drink, but it's affecting me a lot not having sex. I haven't gained any weight, I still make an effort.. He compliments me, says I'm the most beautiful girl, always talks about marrying me, and can be really loving, but I don't try any more cause the amount I get rejected. I mean I've offered blowjobs just when watching TV and he refuses everytime! Everytime he offers I say yes even if I'm not in the mood. He is my first serious boyfriend but I didn't think a late 20s guy wouldn't want sex.. At some points it's gone up to a month! I have mentioned it. I've cried about it in front of him, but after saying he's just tired, or he's just happy where we are and doesn't worry about it, he also says that me mentioning it puts him off as well.. But it doesn't change.. I feel horrible about myself and I want to feel close to him and feel loved buts it's making me so upset and I don't know what to do..
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  DrJackiePhD replied 3 years ago.
DrJackiePhD :

Hi, I'm Dr. Jackie, a communication specialist and relationship expert. I'd like to help. I have some ideas but think it would be better if we were able to chat in real time.

DrJackiePhD :

I'm U.S. East Coast time. I think you are 5 or 6 hours ahead of me. So I am thinking you are probably asleep. Maybe I can catch you when you first get up--before I turn in for the night?

DrJackiePhD :

I'll wait on here for awhile and see if you do come on chat. :-)

DrJackiePhD :

I have some ideas that may help explain your bf's behaviors, but I would like to chat first and ask a few questions in order to get a better and clearer picture. Certainly the more details/facts I have, the better, specific recommendations I can give. :-)

JACUSTOMER-0w3w2xvj- : Hey, thank you for replying.just got home from work. Are u available to talk?
JACUSTOMER-0w3w2xvj- : He's also dated older woman before me.. He once mentioned that him and his ex, I think she was in her thirtys when he was like 21-23, never really had sex?
JACUSTOMER-0w3w2xvj- : ???
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Relist: Incomplete answer.
Not take 5 days to answer the question!
Expert:  Dr. Norman Brown replied 3 years ago.
Let me explain how to work with experts on Just Answer. Dr. Jackie wants to discuss the situation with you, and you're responding that she should answer without any further discussion on your part. So you're expecting an expert to explain his behavior and/or tell you what to do without any communication with you.
I would say one thing about your relationship: It it's been going on for 3 years already, and it's been going backward instead of forward towards marriage--even though it's quite possible that neither of you are even considering moving towards marriage at your present ages--then it's very unlikely to regain the excitement and romantic fervor it might have once had, so you'd be better off telling him you want to break up and start over with somebody else. (That's because romantic passion is naturally designed to last only around 3 years before simmering down. and your hardworking BF lost his already around 2 years ago.) Human beings are naturally designed to get pregnant and give birth within the first 3 years of a love relationship, so then the couple can move onward into motherhood and other central passions in their lives. A hard-working lifestyle can interfere with these natural patterns, but you're very likely to sink into unfulfilling emotional and sexual patterns like you're living with now.
So if you announce your intention to break up so you can have another chance at a more extended romantic relationship before settling down to boredom, you might scare him enough for him to want to change to keep you. There's no guarantee that you'd make it thru the crises that would provoke, but at least you'd learn more about relationships before yours goes down to defeat. You'd both be likely to have few or no words to use to talk about your problem; so you'd be wise to seek counseling, either from a pastor, social worker or couple's counselor.
He's satisfied, but you're not. You want passion from him. He doesn't need it. For many couples, each partner naturally looks for excitement and passion somewhere else besides in sex with their partner after around 3 years. Is there anything else you COULD feel excited or passionate about--like your own job? or a further educational growth? or do you want to have a child?
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Thank you for replying. And I was expecting her to answer without anything from my part. But I replied and she then didn't. I didn't know what else she wanted to know. That's why I got impatient . But thank you again for replying.