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Ask TherapistMaryAnn Your Own Question
TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5957
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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Please answer as soon as possible - marriage question

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Okay well Ive been married for two years but my relationship with my partner hasnt been going very well. I have never felt comfortable having much physical contact with him and always felt too scared to have sex with him because I've found him too controlling sexually. Whenever He would expect sex from me id feel terrorfied and become extremely relieved when he would then change his mind. I have felt very sad recently because I feel I lack intimacy in my life. I would enjoy doing things with him but after 6 months after meeting he admitted he lied to me saying he was allowed in this country when he wasnt and it was either I marry him or he goes back home to india. I chose to marry him. I have arranged for us to receive couple counselling to try to resolve the intimacy issue but unsure if it will work for sure still. Whenever me and my husband would go about sex whatever I do would never seem to be good enough. If i dont do what he wants he gets disapointed. I never seem to please him

Hello and thank you for requesting my help.
From what you said, it sounds like there are a number of issues going on between you and your husband.
One, it is possible that there is trauma in your past that is interfering with your ability to feel comfortable with physical contact, intimacy and sex. If you were abused in any way, especially sexually, that can cause trauma, making it difficult to feel comfortable being close to your husband, or anyone else in a relationship. This takes time and therapy to heal so you can feel more comfortable with being intimate.
Two, one of the biggest issues is trust. You mentioned that your husband lied to you about being in the country legally, forcing you to make a choice about marrying him and helping him, or letting him go. Basing a marriage on such a situation can create resentment on your part, even if you are not aware of it. And it also affects your ability to trust your husband or feel that he is there for you and not just for himself.
Three, you mentioned that your husband is controlling. If someone is trying to gain the upper hand and control you sexually, when you are most vulnerable, it is very easy to want to avoid that person. The last thing you will feel is attracted to them. Instead, you would want to protect yourself. And if your husband is controlling of you, then you might also feel resentment.
Four, if your husband sends the message to you that you are never good enough, that can affect how you see yourself and lower your self esteem. As a result, you would not feel attracted to him but instead want to avoid him, so you can avoid feeling like you are disappointing him.
It is a very good idea that both of you attend couples counseling. There are enough issues between you that warrant a therapist helping you to work through this. If your husband is willing to work on your marriage, therapy should help a lot.
You may also want to talk to him about trust. In order for any marriage to work, trust must be at the foundation. Here are some resources that can help you both:
The Courage to Trust: A Guide to Building Deep and Lasting Relationships by Cynthia Lynn Wall LCSW and Sue Patton Thoele
Building Trust: How To Get It! How To Keep It! by Hyler Bracey Ph.D.
And also ask him to work on giving you positive messages about yourself in general and also sexually. He needs to communicate his love for you rather than putting his needs first and getting upset when he doesn't get what he wants. This will help you feel more attracted to him and improve your desire to be closer to him.
I hope this has helped you,
May I please request that if you find the service I provided helpful at all that you rate me with three or above? Your rating is the only way I am reimbursed for my answer. Thank you so much!
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

hey thankyou, this is really helpful so far I will definetly pay you. for some reason it didnt paste all of what I put here is more :

I never seem to please him internally and cant be in the moment. also one thing i found damaging is he told me I could not get pregnant If we had sex without condoms and claimed himself to be an expert. I found that lie painful and affected my trust a lot too. all in all I never feel safe having much physical contact and feel threatened inside. I dont understand why I feel like this.

Recently there has been a guy where ive been working temporarily recently who has showed some interest in me and i prob wont have the chance to see him again and considering asking someone to give him my number and meet up as friends to keep options open and know him better? Would it be wrong and disrespectful to do this even though im married ? I just want to behave in a respectful manner for both people.

You're welcome!
If your husband is claiming that you won't get pregnant even if he doesn't use birth control, he either believes this himself or he is trying to deceive you in which case he might be a manipulator or chronic liar. Either way, this issue needs to be addressed when you see the marriage counselor. The therapist should assess your husband to get to the root of his issues so you know what you are dealing with and why he is acting this way towards you.
It is never a good idea to seek out another relationship outside of your marriage. If you feel that you are unhappy enough with your marriage to seek out other men, then it is a symptom that things are wrong within your marriage. You might be looking for the affection and love that you are not getting now with your husband. Instead, seek to deal with the problems in your marriage first. If that does not work, then end your marriage before you decide to start another relationship with someone else. You only add to your already troubled marriage if you decide to be unfaithful with someone else.
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