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TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3784
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Certified Professional Coach
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My boyfriend and I were together from autumn 2013 to summer

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My boyfriend and I were together from autumn 2013 to summer 2014, we split up, he said it was because of my temper. I never stopped loving him but I found out his ex who he has children with was going to move up to make a go of it so I began dating someone else. She didn't come up in the end, he got with another girl who he was with a month who cheated on him twice. Then we got back together again about 6 weeks ago. It is rocky, I don't trust him and I do have a temper. On Sunday this ex who he was with a month knocked on his door, surprised I was there & wanting to come in! He went down & spoke with her & sent her away, I kicked off & left, then went back & she was there again! I packed my stuff and left, told him it was over. He said he didn't do anything wrong, she went to talk to him because her mum is dying and she's the only friendly face he knows in hull (even though she works locally & her brother is nearby). I feel so hurt & betrayed. I've been texting him constantly and he says he did nothing wrong and nothing happened, he says it's over, he says he still loves me and sometimes he ignores me. I can't cope with his mixed reactions. I just want him to talk to me but I feel like I force him to be with me. I asked him over text if he's spoken to or seen her since and he said he rang her at the pub she works at because her brother had messaged him trying to get in touch with her (why couldn't her brother just phone the pub). He says he still has feelings for her, but then later said he has feelings for lots of his exes still. I asked him last night if we could go for a drink or something, he didn't answer so I said obviously not, sorry I asked and he said it was a bit early. Last night I told him he keeps hurting me, he said i keep hurting him, i said i'm sorry, he said he's sorry, i said i still loved him ridiculously. No reply but it was really late. Then I text him about how happy i'd been when we first got together and how much i trusted him and felt looked after. He replied this morning saying that about 5 nights ago when we had been lying together cuddling he had felt like the old days. Then another text saying he'd never stopped loving me. Then I text back that I just didn't know if I could trust him. He hasn't replied and I sent that about 4 1/2 hours ago. He is at work and sometimes works in an area with no signal but he usually texts, calls or whatsapps whenever he does get a signal when we're getting in, and i don't usually wait 4 hours. He's either not into me or he's hurt and angry and I don't know which and I don't know how to sort it but I can't sleep & I feel sick.
Hi and welcome. I'm a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.
I can hear how difficult things feel for you and also a bit out of control. It seems like you both care for each other deeply by let some other things or outside forces get in the way. If possibe, I would try and not focus at all on this other girl and inly focus on the two of you. I know you feel betrayed but the longer you hang onto it the longer it will take for the two of you to connect deeply again.
I also do not suggest that all of it gets worked through by text. Try and spend quality time together so you can be just with each other. All of the focus on the outside stuff is hurting you both. Get back to the business of deciding what you both want and if it is to be with one another then that is the focus...nobody else.
Try and breathe..he will get in touch but a little space for both of you to breathe isn't a bad thing either. Your goal is to be with him so remind yourself with that if you feel like you are getting off track.
Hi. I am sorry you did not feel my support was helpful. It was the beginning of our dialog. I would like to be able to help. What abouty work warranted a poor rating?
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

I did reply but it appears to have disappeared, sorry if you get this twice.

I'm sorry if I offended you, however I did not find the advice to not think about the girl when I am very concerned he still loves her impractical and unrealistic.

Also, as I said I have asked him to meet me and he said no so the advice to talk face to face instead of texting him doesn't feel like an option. And I hate the thought of doing nothing.

You have not offended me at all. My goal is to support you. I am sorry if my thoughts werent clear...i too dont think it is realistic not to think of her, but what I was suggesting is that when you do connect with him, when he agrees to it that the focus be on the two of you. Based on what you told me, i did not hear that he wanted to be with her. Sounds like he needs some time to figure thimgs for himself. I would suggest then if text is the only way to let him know as you have how you love him and how you desire to reconnect and will do what is necessary. He has told you he loves you so try and rely on that. Time, if you can give it, will reveal how it will go. I just didnt want so much power given to this other person. I do think he will come around amd be open to talki g of it all. Can you wait in that space of not knowing?

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

When he starts ignoring me I ask him if he's with her and he doesn't answer... I've asked him repeatedly to tell me he loves me and not her or tell me if he wants to be with her and he just says they aren't going to get back together.... I just want him to reassure me but he won't, surely that means he doesn't want me?

I am in agreement with you that his ignoring of you is not the right way to handle it and not carimg of your feelings.You meed that reassurance becuase he has hurt and betrayed you, and very painful that he wont give it. I would hate for you to run from the relationship because you love him, but it comes down to what you can tolerate. You have asked him point blank questions and he doesnt respond. I dont want you running quickly from this...i would suggest giving a bit more time for him to come around and express how he feels. My gut says that he still wants you, but may just need some time...not easy for you

There seems to be some technical glitches and a lot of my responses are disappearing. I am sorry about that and trying to get it all to you.

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

He didn't admit to me the previous 2 times he got with someone else. I'm now freaking out he might have blocked me. I can see his photo still but whatsapp says he hasn't been on since last night. Is my best option really to wait to see if he contacts me?

If he is blocking you then it would seem clear that he is making a statement. I cant tell you to walk away, unless you are ready to do so. If it were me or if you and I were in face to face therapy I would really focus on what you need to vare for yourself and if leaving helps you to feel best then that is the choice. He has been dishonest before and if history is your guide then it seems likely he will be again. I might give it a day or so more and if no reaponse then you have your answer.

I wanted to add some additional thoughts....there is no right or wrong answer here or no right or wrong way to proceed. I know you are in pain and frustrated and frustrated with me too, but the right answer is what feels best for you. If I told you leave it all behind right now as he has lied in the past and he is a bad guy, that does not allow for the feelings of yours to come up and be your guide and nor do I think it would be helpful. On the other side, if I say, wait it out and that is too uncomfortable for you then my telling you to do something is certainly not helpful.

That is why I keep saying to you to figure out what you can tolerate...wait or leave it all now. If it were me....and I was in your situation, I would give it a few more days...I would not text him or try to contact him....If he comes back around I would suggest again to meet...if he doesn't contact in a few days or refuses to meet, then the answer for me would be clear and I would walk away and begin my healing process.

How does that feel for you?

TherapistJen and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

That is what I will try to do. Thank you

My pleasure. Please come to me if you need support. Most important stay true to your heart and your gut about all of this. I am here if you need me.